Coming Out At Work

[Matt Murray]

If this thread has already been started, I apologize, but I could not find it.

I'm curious to hear about other's experiences with coming out at work.
Did people treat you differently after you came out?
How did you bring it up to your coworkers?
Are you still in the closet with your coworkers? Etc...

I personally am still in the closet at work, but I'm open about it with my family and friends. My coworkers all think I'm straight and single, but don't realize that I'm gay and in a longterm relationship. Because my coworkers think I'm straight, I get to hear the shit talk that gets said about gay people behind closed doors. It is a very homophobic and religious atmosphere.

I don't necessarily want to or even need to come out at work, as I'm there to do a job and not to make friends, but I also get tired of having to lie about my personal life when they make conversation with me. I know that my boss can't fire me for simply being gay, but I do know that he will view me differently, and it may prevent me from getting any promotions.

Any advice or stories about your experiences with this would be great to hear!

 

[Industrialsize]

I am retired, but I have never had a job where I was not out starting at the interview. I have always been treated well. I live in a civilized part of the country.

 

[Trekrider]

I was never out at work, and never planned to be. Listening to co-workers it was obviously an unwise thing to do. Plus, the psychological damage already from years of being bullied and osctracised at school made me well aware of the consequences. Luckily, I worked in an environment where everyone was a bit nerdy and introverted, and did not socialise outside of work, so questions about one's personal life were infrequent.
While we do have anti-discrimination laws here, the reality is, they're just a paper formality. If someone doesn't like you, it's easy to discriminate - eg. give you all the shit jobs.
Anyway, one of the reasons I saved up for an early retirement was because I couldn't be out - it's not good for one's mental health. I wonder how many places lose good staff because of this?

 

[cedarizzo]

I'm not out at my current job (been here for 8 years). I work with my boyfriend (we've been together for 10 years) and he is in the closet. So it was easier for me to remain in the closet.

Every job I have had before this, I have always been open and honest about my sexuality. I've usually worked in management, so I really didn't care what people under me thought. I've only had problems with 1 guy, and he was my immediate boss at a place I had worked for 10 years. Things became a problem when he denied a raise I was due. His only excuse was he didn't feel like I was a good fit there. I thought about it for a few days and then gave my 2 weeks notice. The other manager kept begging me to stay, but I couldn't work for the homophobe anymore. A few days after I quit, the homophobe got fired. The other manager took over and begged me to come back. But I had a new job by then and wanted to see how that worked out. The guy who begged me stay later kept getting promoted way up in the company. Every time I saw him he would beg me to come back. I should have taken him up on his offer.

 

[keenobserver]

I too am retired, but after I came out in the 70's I just lived openly. I never pretended to be straight, referred to my then live in love as he and him when something came up and just carried on as a person. My work area did not have a permanent desk, so I did not keep pictures out - of anyone. I usually had to rotate assignments all over the and work in the field, doing inspections, teaching, investigations and writing tons of reports. I was based with a state agency that was intertwined with law enforcement and the state as a whole is liberal and gay friendly. The relief of just being yourself on the job and off, not having to watch your pronouns and pretend or make excuses made being out completely worthwhile.

That said, you know your workplace better than I do. If you feel, based on your experience being out would be a problem, don't take the step - keep the partition between work and home in place. I had several good friends who started out as co-workers and not being honest about who I am would have inhibited that quite a bit. Being known as gay I did get a more than a few conversations with people looking for information about some aspect of gay life they did not understand, or questions about relationships (Who is the wife in your relationship? was not unusual, and What should I do if I think my kid is gay? was another.). You know your situation best. Good luck sorting it out.

 

[12cylinder]

Yes...

 

[OKCLane]

If this thread has already been started, I apologize, but I could not find it.

I'm curious to hear about other's experiences with coming out at work.
Did people treat you differently after you came out?
How did you bring it up to your coworkers?
Are you still in the closet with your coworkers? Etc...

I personally am still in the closet at work, but I'm open about it with my family and friends. My coworkers all think I'm straight and single, but don't realize that I'm gay and in a longterm relationship. Because my coworkers think I'm straight, I get to hear the shit talk that gets said about gay people behind closed doors. It is a very homophobic and religious atmosphere.

I don't necessarily want to or even need to come out at work, as I'm there to do a job and not to make friends, but I also get tired of having to lie about my personal life when they make conversation with me. I know that my boss can't fire me for simply being gay, but I do know that he will view me differently, and it may prevent me from getting any promotions.

Any advice or stories about your experiences with this would be great to hear!

There is not a true and universal path that works for each of us. Don’t be bullied into coming out by those who do not walk in your shoes.

While it’s always good to seek advice from others, only you can make this decision. I would, however, encourage you to seek advice from those in your circle of friends. They are certainly more qualified than we are to help you in your journey.

I’ve lived in Oklahoma for most of my life, exceptions being graduate and medical school. Times are changing but I’m well aware of where I live. The changes in the last 20 years have astounded me.

Some people will accept you, others will not. I expect that your state is much like mine and I don’t think our citizens are uncivilized as someone else put it.

Follow your heart but go forward with eyes wide open. Best of luck to you and all the blessings of life.

 

[Infernal]

I've always been matter of fact about my sexuality. It is part of who I am but doesn't define me. I do technology consulting currently, and I work at a small local retail store on the weekends. One of my technology clients is an old employer that I left in 2011. I was out completely to the people in my department and a few others. It wasn't something I ever cared about. I figure that if I'm working in a professional environment, and people want to ask deeply personal questions, they should be prepared for the answer. If it's a problem for them, then it is their problem, never mine. For the other client I work for, I've worked remotely for them for the last 6 years. I've only met 1 person from the company in person. I don't care if they know I'm gay or not. The majority of our communication is through email, or chat so it's not a topic that will ever come up. They know I'm married, have step-children and grandchildren, but beyond that, they know nothing. It's irrelevant, and it has nothing to do with my job anyway. As for the retail job, a large part of the staff is LGBT or Q in one way or another, so it's no big deal.

 

[ravenx]

I was out to those who asked a question that focused on relationships or sexuality, so I was out to some but not all. I didn’t broadcast anything but I was honest when asked, it worked for me.

 

[william1]

There are only two of us here and we both are, majority of our customers know as well !

 

[Andrue]

In my current situation, I’m both boss and owner. I’m out and it’s not a big deal.

Prior to this, and for work back a couple of decades, I’ve always been out. I’ve never had a problem with co-workers, save one. In this place, he sat at the desk next to mine in a room with some 30 other people. We got along pretty well. Since I was already out and no one else ever had an issue, and some would even bring it up and ask questions, I didn’t need to “broadcast it”. But if some new person asked what I had done that weekend, I’d matter of factly say my boyfriend and I did (whatever normal stuff people do on weekends). They might have looked surprised for a second, having not expected this, but that's as far as it went.

One day this dude finds out I’m gay. You should have seen his face. “What the fuck! You’re gay??” This was right in the middle of the work space, so he wasn’t going to do anything. “Yeah, it’s true. I’m gay. Did you really not know?” I asked somewhat shocked he’d managed to work there for months and never picked up on that. He basically just decided to stay away from me.

And that’s the extent of the pushback I’ve had in my adult work career. Mind you, I also worked in a couple of bathhouses, a gay newspaper, for a gay school councillor, at gay owned restaurants, so there was little chance I would encounter issues there.

I’ve also worked in the film industry for a bit, in a tv studio, a couple of grocery stores, an animation studio, multiple phone rooms, as fundraiser, as a CSR for a cable company, Home Depot, a pet shop, and likely several jobs I’ve forgotten. That last batch though was all “normal” jobs but there was never any issues. I was hired because I could do the job required; being gay was just a bonus. If anyone ever had a problem - beside the fool already mentioned - I never saw or heard of it.

Not bad for being out at work for over 40 years.

 

[51arledge]

I've been in the construction business for my entire career. Sometimes as owner or co-owner, but other times as a project manager. I have always been out: with clients, bosses, sub-contractors, vendors, etc. Not that I announced it to everyone, but if someone began to ask about my life, or if we became friends, or if my relationship status just came up in conversation, I was always direct and honest. I found that far easier than watching my pronouns or keeping silent while some asshole told anti-gay jokes.

 

[mrzepher67]

I worked as coach for a high school program for several years where both the director and myself were out (her being a lesbian black female). It was overall fine, and it helped a good amount of students at the school to see two people who they could look to that were out, proud, and didn't put up with bullshit. I never got any strife about it despite teaching in a low income area with typically christian values (director had a couple of issues but they were dealt with). Positive experience.

More recently I was working in an office/call center environment, and it came out eventually that I was gay. There was never any reason for me to broadcast it but I would answer honestly if it came up. Eventually it turned into me and select couple of others being the "token gays" of the office. The pros were that nobody tried to instigate problems or make bigoted jokes and if they did my bosses didn't mind me addressing misinformation (I'm polite enough). Cons were that people constantly tried to relate to me being gay as some kind of interest or personality trait instead of things I actually cared about. I felt supported but really distant from my coworkers. Kind of weird but I wasn't too bothered.

These days I work for a tech company that does software for banks, so it's entirely too busy for people to really care about anyone's personal life or beliefs. I recently got asked why I wasn't seeing anyone by a group of coworkers and had to specify that I'm more into men; the response was "oh, there's a gay bar near here if you want us to take you?". Nothing about gay guys being easier to get with than straight women like I got at my last job. Got asked about what video games I'm playing later that day. So far it's been pretty comfortable.

Honestly it's whatever you need to be happy. If it truly doesn't bother you to not come out then don't. Not a big deal either way imo.

 

[cedarizzo]

During high school, I started working at the McDonalds in the town I grew up in. I worked there for 6 years (through college). For the first 5 years I was there, it was owned/operated by a big Catholic family. I was working there during my coming out process and I never had any problems. The few that knew I was gay never gave me any problems. The owners didn't care. I wasn't out but I wasn't hiding it either.

The Catholic family sold all of the McDonalds they owned and the one I worked at was bought by a couple in their 50's. Within 6 months of them owning the place, I was fired. They told me that a customer told them that I was "stealing". They never said what I supposedly stole or who said I was stealing, just that I was fired for stealing. A few weeks after that, they fired my friend Brandon who was also gay.

Getting fired from there was probably the best thing that happened to me. I had started seeing a new guy who lived an hour away, so I packed up my stuff and moved in with him. I needed a job, so I got a job at the McDonald's there which were owned by McDonalds corporation. My new boss gave me a huge raise over what I made at the old McDs. She also let me basically write my own schedule. I enjoyed the new McDs so much better, I got Brandon hired there too. The new boss was so nice to both of us. After I had been there for a few months, she received a phone call from the old boss that fired us. He told her that she must be desperate to hire "people like" Brandon and me. She asked what he meant, and he said gay people. She hung up on him and immediately called her boss. It went up pretty high into the McDs corporation. The old boss got in trouble with the corporation. He had to offer an apology to both Brandon and me. He also was told to never have any more contact with either of us or any place we were employed.

This was probably the only time I had a problem with being out at work. The last job I had was as a meat cutter in a big grocery store. I worked with a bunch of guys, some of them were very redneck straight. The only person I ever had a problem with was the young loudmouth straight guy. He though he would out me to everybody. I loved the look on his face as the different people told him they didn't care or they already knew and it wasn't any of his business. He got mad because I never made a scene over him outting me. He later quit when I got promoted over him.

 

[Beanie]

I’ve never really been a fan of “coming out” at work. I am who I am. Straight people don’t come out at work so why should we? When people ask about my personal life I am authentic and real. If they don’t like it then fuck them.

 

[deleted1074483]

I have been 'out' at work since my 20s so over 30 years, but that is not in a 'here I am ' kind of way. I don't hide the fact, I talk about my partners, but on the whole I let it come out in natural discussions, for example when someone asks what I got up to at the weekend i'll happily say 'me and Chris..' or 'me and my bf', I don't make a big issue of it as its work. I prefer to let me professional work side show more. I've never had a bad response, quite often I get people (women a lot and some naïve blokes) thinking i'm joking and winding them up!! Some still don't believe me after 3 years lol

 

[StaringIsCaring]

Only time I had an issue was one job with one guy being an idiot to me. I should have told management then H.R. immediately (maybe give management one day tops to fix it first) but I waited a bit first.

Management kept making him stop and he eventually did and transferred.

I suspect he may have been a mexican closeted gay guy and might have either been secretly crushing on me or perhaps reminded him of parts about himself he hated. It was a weird situation that got way out of hand. I know I certainly don’t pay tons and tons of attention to someone I don’t like the way that he did.

One security job a sexy mexican man started touching me a little more each day a couple times (good) then along with a guy co worker kept asking dumb questions about “you like girls right?” Progressively ruder and ruder questions and comments as the night went on. Wasn’t ready to tell them, didn’t want to tell them, would not shut up and take the hint.

Talking to someone about it wasn’t necessary although I was a little pissed that shift. Soon we all lost our jobs due to a contract change so I never saw them again.

Current job we have our own business and have been out. Maybe one old lady had a bad reaction once. I wasn’t the one told.

It was tough for me to stop caring since my coming out was a horrible nightmare but eventually nobody in my life seemed to care and people where I lived have moved on to something else to complain about. Gays couldn’t live here decades ago in couples but times have changed.

 

[ohiorod]

I am definitely out at work. Being out was part of my effectiveness in my job. I am an HIV Clinical Social Worker and my early years of work started in the gay community. I became a very trusted source, but also one of them. I was always careful with my image, never seen doing drugs or intoxicated and never drinking if I was working offering testing at a bar. I never wanted people to think I had loose lips or that I may break their confidence. At the same time, people saw I was a healthy sexual being very comfortable talking about any kind of sex and usually an excellent source of good hiv and health information for gays and others. In my case, being out was essential to do my job well.