Dirty Limericks

[tposnoopy]

There once was a woman named Sue
Who didn't have anything to do.
So she sat on the stairs
and counted cunt hairs.
1,502.

 

[Dominus]

There was a young man from Nice
Who molested a pair of white geese
He went just too far
With a budgerigar
And the parrot phoned up the police

*******

There was an old bey from Calcutta
Who greased his arsehole with butter
So instead of the roar
That was heard there before
Twas a soft oleaginous mutter

*******

There was a young monk from Siberia
Who of wanking, grew wearier and wearier
'Til at last with a yell
He burst forth from his cell
And he buggered the father superior

*******

Have you heard 'bout the Duchess of Belvior?
Who goes to bed with a golden retriever
Said the disgusted Duke
Such a thing makes me puke
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her

 

[eddyabs]

There once was a woman named Sue
Who didn't have anything to do.
So she sat on the stairs
and counted cunt hairs.
1,502.

fuckin hell that is funny!!!

how bout these for big guffaw panty wetting rhymes...

[FONT=Times New Roman, Lucida Sans, Arial][SIZE=+2]There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.


[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Lucida Sans, Arial]There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, Lucida Sans, Arial]The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I think that was one up to me[/FONT]

 

[ArtfulDominant]

There once was a sailor named Topper;
my Gawd -- he had such a whopper!
Once around his neck:
twice around the deck,
and up his nose for a stopper!

 

[68268]

There once was a philosopher named Spencer,
who never knew pleasure intenser.
Than once when he saw,
Mr. George Bernard Shaw,
Attempting to bugger the censor.

 

[OralKing]

There once was a man from St. Paul
Whose cock was extremely small
He buggered a bug
On the edge of a rug
And the bug didn't feel it at all

 

[thedude111]

There once was a man named Mcsweany
Who spilled some Gin on his Weeny.
To help keep his Couth,
he added Vermouth.
Then he slipped his girl a Martini!

Also:

There once was an Indian name Tonto.
Who paid a whore for sex in Toronto.
Much to his dismay,
it was a very poor Lay.
For in Toronto,
Poor Tonto, came Pronto!

 

[MuTheta9]

ok, now for the sick shit....

There once was a woman named Dot,
who inserted a fly up her twat
if you tickled her fuzz
that fucker would buzz
till you glued his wings tight with a shot.

AI YI YI YI... your mother goes down for egyptians,
so sing me anoter verse worse than the other verse,
and walse me around by my willy.

There once was a woman named Jean,
who's cunt wasn't kept very clean.
Cum would pour out
of her smelly old spout,
which she scraped up and ate with salteens.

AI YI YI YI... your brother fucks butterball turkeys,
so sing me anoter verse worse than the other verse,
and walse me around by my willy.

OK, now for the gross one...

There once was a woman named Dot,
who lived off of pig shit and shot.
When she couldn't get these,
she just ate the green cheese,
that she scraped from the sides of her twat.

AI YI YI YI... if you like that one you're a sick mother fucker!
so sing me anoter verse worse than the other verse,
and dance on my balls till i'm silly.

thank you John Valby, you are my hero.

 

[ArtfulDominant]

My twisted mind left its 5-line calling card in some innocent's "Large Penis Personal Ad" a few hours ago.
I adapted it slightlly and am posting it here where it belongs:

Sally's pussy was really quite loose
With a fornix shaped like a caboose
A rear vestibule
That could take a large mule
Three tapirs, an elk and a moose.

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

There once was a woman named Myrtle
Who wore a black sequined girdle
she put on a show
for the men don't you know
that made the town vicar's blood curdle.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

There once was a man from New York
Who had an obsession with sporks
He met a girl named Candy
Who made him feel quite randy
So they went back to his place and porked.

(God, I'm so stupid...)

 

[GeorgeTSLC]

I've long thought that the "clean" version of the following is actually the funnier one:

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose (ears/balls) were of two different sizes.
The one that was small
Was of no use at all
But the larger won several prizes.

 

[danmilan]

These outrageously dirty limericks are great, but not all of them respect the real rule about limericks, which is that they must rhyme and scan perfectly.
I love the one about the girl counting cunt hairs on the stairs, but it scans better if you say "Who one day had nothing to do" in the second line as "Who didn't have anything to do" doesn't scan.
But I think that even just the "lightly amatory" or "rollicking and rowdy" can be amusing I find if they are cleverly written.


For example:

A girl who would not be disgraced
Would flee from all lovers in haste.
It all went quite well
Until one day she fell...
She sometimes still dreams that she's chaste.

There once was a maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
They make love to my wife
And it ruins my life
For the worst is they do it so well!"

There was a young student at Johns
Who attempted to fondle the swans.
Whereupon said the porter,
"Oh pray take my daughter.
The birds are reserved for the dons!"

There was a young wife who begat
three husky boys: Nat, Pat and Tat.
they all yelled for food
And a problem ensued
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

There once was a rake known as Baker
Who one day seduced a fair Quaker
And when he had done it
she straightened her bonnet
And said "I give thanks to my maker!"

There was a young lady named Hopper
Who came a society cropper
She decided to go
To Bordeaux with her beau....
...the rest of the story's improper.

And as Mozart commemoration year draws to a close....

As Mozart composed a sonata
The maid bent to fasten her garter
Without a delay
He started to play
Un poco piu appassionata.

Too tame for this site maybe? Anyway keep the outrageous ones coming they are hilarious.
They are best when they make clever use of language as well as shock:
One of the best structured in my view isn't rude at all:

A bottle of perfume that Willy sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarrelled, I'm told
Through that silly scent Willy sent Millicent.

Now someone try to get Alice, phallus and dallas into one line!!!

 

[ArtfulDominant]

The ubiquitous Mrs. Candy
Is making us all quite randy
She scans all day long
For the quintessential dong
With her ruler and camera handy.

 

[GeorgeTSLC]

I love the one about the girl counting cunt hairs on the stairs, but it scans better if you say "Who one day had nothing to do" in the second line as "Who didn't have anything to do" doesn't scan.

OH-kay. That, plus a Google search, gives me 4 out of 5 lines:
There once was a whore in Peru
who one day had nothing to do
so she sat on the stairs
counting cunt hairs
[And WHAT is the last line, say you?]

Now someone try to get Alice, phallus and dallas into one line!!!

Well, not into one line, but one limerick:
A photographer working in Dallas,
was assigned to a singer named Alice--
Cooper, that is--
and while taking a whiz
was amazed to see Alice's phallus.

 

[GeorgeTSLC]

There once was a woman from Brussels
Who liked having sexual tussles
She searched far and long
For the ultimate dong
And found quite the huge one on Russell.

and

The last word in the 1st, 2nd, and 5th lines must rhyme.

Which is why your last line should be something like
And found that the winner was Russel's.

 

[danmilan]

Thanks for that George! here's another I remember we used to laugh about in our college days (it gets double rhymes in the 3rd and 4th):

There was a young lady from Crewe,
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"The vicar is slicker
and thicker and quicker
And 4 inches longer than you!"

 

[shadow28]

This is a very old thread revived, but here are my two contributions. One is from "Four Weddings and a Funeral", the other from "Are You Being Served". Love them both - they're not too dirty... just clever.

There was a young woman from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.


On the chest of a barmaid from Swale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
Whilst on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

 

[Sassy]

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

Let's see - I've got 56 cents. Does anyone else have change for the cause? :wink:
[/FONT]

 

[unzipped]

There once was a man from De Gaulle..

That wore a newspaper suit to the ball..

Well his clothes caught on fire..

And burned his entire...

Sporting section and ALL..