I get attached too quickly

[Daisy]

I wasn't generalizing, I was responding to what she said.

even if I have sex with the same person twice but when I start having sex often with the same person I get attached

After the first few times I feel like i've bonded with them or something through sex

no matter how hard I try to not bond and get attached it still happens

I think, and this is just my opinion, that SHE needs a relationship in her life. If you can have casual sex, more power to you. I think OP is really seeking a more meaningful relationship.

 

[WifeNeedsGurth]

I wasn't generalizing

My bad then.

I took what you said to be generalizing....especially THIS part:

"Sex is not casual for women. We are not programmed to "fuck" casually and not care. Men have testosterone and are wired differently than we are. They can do it, we can't."

 

[Daisy]

LOL..ok that part may have been a generalization. However, i do think that in general women confuse physical intimacy with sexual intimacy and they think that they can find the emotional connection by putting the cart before the horse (sex, than emotional intimacy).

I am not in any way judgmental towards women who TRULY feel unattached during sex. I have no moral issue with it at all. I don't believe in the double standard that if guys do it they're studs and if women do it they're sluts. I do think that women have been trained from early childhood to be overly sexual and to get what they want by using sexuality and it has confused a lot of girls who are looking for love but use their bodies to find it.
I do believe that some women can have fun casual sex and not get hurt, but I stand by my opinion that it is not the norm.

you said ""exceptions" like myself are either more evolved or less evolved than the rest of the women out there"

I don't think it has anything to do with being evolved . One could also say that most women want to be mothers in their lifetime and there are definitely exceptions to that. Not all women feel maternal and that doesn't make them defective or uncaring. It's just apples and oranges. I wouldn't call a female who has unattached, casual sex any better or worse than anyone else.

I just think women who do seek intimacy will have a very hard time trying to go out there and fuck guys without feeling anything afterwards and I'm not sure there is any way to train yourself not to feel. You either can or you can't, and if you can't I will say it again... don't settle!

 

[WifeNeedsGurth]

Seaside, thanks. It's much clearer now.

We probably don't disagree as much as I originally thought.

I see you're 1% gay. Wanna meet for some "casual sex"? :biggrin1:

 

[Daisy]

LOL...sure! :wink:

 

[pussnboots]

lol, you two are cracking me up over women and sex! But in a good way.

I think both of you have valid points. I think sometimes, and this is me, not a generalization on women at all, I'd not even try to do that one -- but for me, sex and a relationship seem to always be the way my brain and body lean -- now there are exceptions and those were wonderful, but not 'one nighters' more a vacation/weekend fling that ends up being a bit more --sorta a situation where I go into it with the idea of just simply enjoying sex with a sexy guy that I meet and can trust. And even then, for example one guy I met I got to know pretty well first and I think we both went into it without expectations either way -- meaning, neither of us felt pressure to have a 'relationship' or to simply 'only fuck.' But, sadly I think it's situational for me. Meaning all the right things have to happen, so I can simply relax and enjoy. Now? Now I just can't seem to let go enough or something. For instance, I met a really cool guy, he wanted to be friends with benefits. I thought about it for days -- literally - lol-- but in the end, I knew, just knew by how 'excited and happy' I got when I was around him or thinking about him, that I wanted more. And, worse or better depending how you look at it, I knew I would be hurt if I accepted the offer -- so I politely turned him down! *sigh* So, I am a bit envious of women that can have these 'fuck buddies' but wonder if getting attached to them is only natural. Especially when you are in such a relationship for a year or more.

I have to wonder too, as many of us have already said, if you are not looking for more, and maybe you're not ready to face that, or that scares you. Relationships are scary -- I mean, you really put yourself out there...and if it all goes to shit, someone gets hurt.

just my two cents...or more...lol

 

[AlteredEgo]

Ok, I'm ok if I have a one night stand.....even if I have sex with the same person twice but when I start having sex often with the same person I get attached. For example, the last fuck buddy (yes, the disrespectful one) had me very attached to him. I said I wasn't but I was. I would try to party and take pics with boys (to put on facebook) as to prove I wasn't jealous and so that he could see them. I don't know how men and alot of women do it. How can you have sex with someone for a while without feeling attached?" After the first few times I feel like i've bonded with them or something through sex. I don't want it to be this way. I need advice on how to handle this the next time i'm in this situation. Next semester I'm going to be looking for a new fuck buddy and I need to not get attached. Guys drop females like its nothing and never look back. I can't do that. I don't know why i'm like this. I think with my last fuck buddy it also had to do with the fact we were having unprotected sex (I know we shouldn't have). Unprotected sex seems much more intimate than sex with a condom in my opinion. Either way, no matter how hard I try to not bond and get attached it still happens. So any advice from any of you? How do/did you do so?

I objectifed my fuckbuddies unless they actually wanted to literally be friends who had sex with me. When that was the case, I only objectified them during sex. This was very different from having sex within a relationship for me. If for some reason, I started to feel an unwanted attachment to a man, I just left him alone until it wore off, or reminded myself why he was only good enough for sex, and possibly friendship, but never more. I also avoided having casual sex with anyone who'd make an absolutely ideal match for me.

For casual sex, some deal-breaker needs to exist which precludes them from being marriageable, but does not exclude them from the realm of possible good lays.

 

[EboniGoddess]

Here's the thing.....I wanted a relationship but then I get a fuck buddy agreement that basically is a relationship minus the title (sleep over, visit each other during winter and summer break, hang out, play video games together, eat together, tons of sex, our friends hung out together, minature golfing, ect.) so I felt like because it wasn't labeled as a relationship I wouldn't be attached but it happened anyway.

 

[eyescream]

Here's the thing.....I wanted a relationship but then I get a fuck buddy agreement that basically is a relationship minus the title (sleep over, visit each other during winter and summer break, hang out, play video games together, eat together, tons of sex, our friends hung out together, minature golfing, ect.) so I felt like because it wasn't labeled as a relationship I wouldn't be attached but it happened anyway.

You're going to get your heart broken over and over again this way.:frown1:

You should have boundaries with your fuck buddies, you shouldn't do things that are relationship-material like eating together, video games, etc.

If you want a relationship with someone, you should let it be clear to them what you're after. So the ones who care about you will stay and the ones who don't will leave you alone.

 

[Ganieda]

You should have boundaries with your fuck buddies, you shouldn't do things that are relationship-material like eating together, video games, etc.

Ditto. Without boundaries, it cannot work.

 

[ConstantComment]

I can do the FB thing but only under certain situations. IF I can find th eperson sexy but they're missing something key for a long term relationship, then they're a good candidate. I was once FB with a Jewish guy who admitted to me that his mother wanted him to settle down with a nice Jewish girl. Well, that let me know right there that wasn't marriage material for me. We had fun while it lasted.

The last FB was with a guy who lived out of town. He knew no one that I knew. Perfect. The problem was that he wasn't regular enough and was killing me later and later in the evening.

Think about what you require for a long term or marriage track relationship. It's much easier not to get attached when you are fooling around with someone who is missing a dealbreaker item when measured against that yardstick.

 

[WifeNeedsGurth]

You're going to get your heart broken over and over again this way.:frown1:

You should have boundaries with your fuck buddies, you shouldn't do things that are relationship-material like eating together, video games, etc.

If you want a relationship with someone, you should let it be clear to them what you're after. So the ones who care about you will stay and the ones who don't will leave you alone.

I think this is the most sound piece of advice on this entire thread.

 

[EboniGoddess]

You're going to get your heart broken over and over again this way.:frown1:

You should have boundaries with your fuck buddies, you shouldn't do things that are relationship-material like eating together, video games, etc.

If you want a relationship with someone, you should let it be clear to them what you're after. So the ones who care about you will stay and the ones who don't will leave you alone.

great piece of advice.... I don't know how I even let it get that far. It seemed as though as long as I was happy I never evaluated if I should be doing these things. It wasn't until after I had hurt feelings I said to myself that we shouldn't have gotten so close. I'm going to definately try not to ever let that happen again.

 

[trackdude]

Ditto. Without boundaries, it cannot work.

Even most guys can't have a 1v1 starcraft match after fucking and not get attached. What was she thinking.

 

[Principessa]

Here's the thing.....I wanted a relationship but then I get a fuck buddy agreement

NEVER SETTLE!! If he says no to a relationship, I don't care how fine looking, smart, or wealthy he is, or big his dick is MOVE ON!!




There's some other stuff you need to know:

• A lot of white guys just want to check off, "Did a black girl on their sexual scavenger hunt list." :irked:
• In the southeast it was/is common for fathers to take their sons to black prostitutes for there first experience. I don't know why but thats what they do. :angryfire2:
• In all of America many whites especially the middle and upper class think it's okay to have sex with a black girl but NOT marry her.

that basically is a relationship minus the title (sleep over, visit each other during winter and summer break, hang out, play video games together, eat together, tons of sex, our friends hung out together, minature golfing, ect.)

You were used for sex. You were his black booty call girl and you look good so he didn't mind if people saw you together.

so I felt like because it wasn't labeled as a relationship I wouldn't be attached but it happened anyway.

Labels schmabels! Your heart can't read labels.

You're going to get your heart broken over and over again this way.:frown1:

Yup, her posts often make me what to scream, cry, and/or pull my hair out. Like many the OP is young and while not necessarily naive lacks life experience and sometimes common sense. She obviously has little good guidance or real friends in real life. If she does, she isn't listening to their advice.

You should have boundaries with your fuck buddies, you shouldn't do things that are relationship-material like eating together, video games, etc.

I have said that over and over again in various threads and people called me crazy, stupid, unhip, etc.

I have had one successful fuckbuddy relationship. It worked because we had ground rules similar to Fight Club.
It's just sex, no love making just fucking
We are not dating
We are not hanging out
My friends don't meet his friends and vice versa
No presents for birthdays or holidays
No gifts just becasue I was thinking of you

When I started to have feelings after 5 months I told him and broke it off. He understood. We parted friends. No harm, no foul.

If you want a relationship with someone, you should let it be clear to them what you're after. So the ones who care about you will stay and the ones who don't will leave you alone.

Sometimes men lie about what they want just to get some pussy. It happend to me. :frown1: :angryfire2:

 

[Fleur]

Yeah, some men just lie to get some pussy. I've had it happen to me too. It doesn't matter how up front you are about not wanting casual sex. They'll be sure to twist things around and make you feel like it's leading there and then dump you like a hot potato when they get what they want. And then they make it sound like it's all your fault because there was never a "commitment" to begin with. And they know full well they led you on and said lots of lies to get you in bed. :irked:

My new rule: no sex unless I'm in a relationship, period.

 

[helgaleena]

I used to fall in love and then stick with the person for years no matter how bad the sex was. It has taken me thirty years to achieve 'fuck buddy' level. And every single time it needs to be negotiated point by point with the one you are with. Onlywithin the framework of continual renegotiation can there be safe spontaneity.

The quality of my personal satisfaction, which I never used to factor in, was missing. Rommete at least you know that your own happines has to count. So many of my generation were taught that our own wants and needs were immaterial.

But you must also listen to your own 'heart' or 'intution' or 'gut' or whatever you want to call it. Maybe doing as Fleur does and being your own best lover is safer for you until you find 'relationship material'. Either that or be prepared to lay down dozens of little bylaws to keep the fucking away from your heart-- if you can. There is also the issue of birth control and std's. You don't know where that dong has been! And if you do it's turning into a relationship already.

One way it can work that I am having success with is to be in a triangle or coop with several males and females who share your desire to be attached only through good sex, so that you are exclusive only to the group of you. Another way that works is phone sex or cybersex-- no std's or pregnancy if you never physically meet.

 

[Principessa]

Yeah, some men just lie to get some pussy. I've had it happen to me too. It doesn't matter how up front you are about not wanting casual sex. They'll be sure to twist things around and make you feel like it's leading there and then dump you like a hot potato when they get what they want. And then they make it sound like it's all your fault because there was never a "commitment" to begin with. And they know full well they led you on and said lots of lies to get you in bed.

:irked:

My new rule: no sex unless I'm in a relationship, period.

QFT!!! Then again I thought that about my last alleged relationship. :angryfire2:
FWIW: He was the one to bring up baby names first! NOT ME!! :261: Who does that to a woman? :irked: :angryfire2:

Don't forget to do a background check to make sure his divorce is final or at the very least has actually been filed; and that he has no priors or warrants out for his arrest. It's like $50 online and money well spent as far as I am concerned at this point.

 

[Principessa]

Write down his license plate and if you have a friend at motor vehicles have them run the plate. This will tell you who else at that address has a license. I found out two men who claimed to be single were living with women by doing that when I lived in Jersey.

 

[EboniGoddess]

Don't forget to do a background check to make sure his divorce is final or at the very least has actually been filed; and that he has no priors or warrants out for his arrest. It's like $50 online and money well spent as far as I am concerned at this point.

Write down his license plate and if you have a friend at motor vehicles have them run the plate. This will tell you who else at that address has a license. I found out two men who claimed to be single were living with women by doing that when I lived in Jersey.

Whoa....you were really serious about this. I should probably check his credit too. I don't wanna end up like the dude on the "free credit report" commercials. I'm going to stick to looking for a boyfriend......but then again in Baltimore that means a black, gang banging hustler......nevermind. Perhaps if the world had more educated black men for me to date I wouldn't feel the way I do. Perhaps I can find a white guy who goes to College Park or in a neighboring county like P.G.