I'm not good enough...

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sammygirly: Another thread got me thinking on this...

We women are really very hard on ourselves. It's true, admit it. Even the most outwardly secure of us have those times when we can convince ourselves that we're not good enough, sexy enough, smart enough, pretty enough...blah blah blah.

If there's a way we can not be enough of it - I garauntee you I've at one point or another determined I fit the bill exactly. However, I like to think of myself as a relatively confident and secure woman and these fits of insecurity make no sense to me.

So, why do we do this ladies? How do you deal with it when it happens?

And gentlemen, how do you deal with your lady when it happens?

It's like that old joke...what DO you say when your woman asks "Do I look fat in this?"....cuz you KNOW she's having one of those moments....

 

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petite_girl: I usually get like that every once in a while. I chalk it up to hormones. Usually, I'll just go work out a lot and eat healthily until I feel better about myself.

My boyfriend always tells me that he loves me no matter how I am and that when he met me I was sweaty, covered in dirt/dust, and smelly.... so ... that does make me feel better

 

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longtimelurker: I think it is erroneous to think that this is a problem that affects solely women. Self-doubt is all part of the human condition and I just think that as men, we typically tend to keep it to ourselves more, so it's not as obvious as it is with someone whom wears their heart on their sleeve.

Something that I see very frequently, however, is that the most outwardly confident people tend to have the deepest insecurities - it's just that they've perfected the mask.

 

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petite_girl: LTL:

That is so true! Never having lived with a guy, I can't vouch for that gender, but I used to have a female roommate who was like that. She was outwardly very confident, but at night she was the most insecure person ever! I always wondered at that. I think that it's pretty true of the women I've known who were very confident. Sometimes I'm glad that I'm a waffler--not always confident, not always insecure.

 

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7x6andchg: LTL -

That's very true.  Well said.

Me - I'm not as confident as I appear on here.  I am as nice of a guy but nowhere near as confident.  I think women are, perhaps, more able to express their lack of confidence, particularly to other women? Discuss.

7x6&C

 

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wvalady1968: Sammy, I used to get that way whenever I had to dress up and go anywhere. I worried that I wouldn't wear the right thing or look good enough. Then, I'd get to the party or event, and I'd realized that I'd worried needlessly.

One of the dumbest things I ever did was worry about what to wear on a trip to NYC. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, cared, and I'd stressed about it.

 

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7x6andchg: Half the time human beings are their own worst enemies...sad, isn't it? We're given the capability for (ir)rational thought and we use it like this...

7x6&C

 

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bblumbee: This thread is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo true. I have actually beaten myself up, so to speak, concerning issues as such. Of course, coming out of a relationship where my ex never complimented me but always made lude remarks about me never being sexy or attractive, never helped.

But then, when I look at it, my mother never told me to think that way either. So, in my own humble opinion... I am me. Nothing more, nothing less... just me.

Now tell me I am a hottie. Reaffirmation is dire now... LOL

 

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7x6andchg: Well, bblumbee, you have a point.

We're taught not to be braggarts, or boastful....
Yet, we're expected to be proud of ourselves.

Where's the happy medium? Has anyone reached it? If so, how? Please?

7x6&C

 

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AnonyMs: ..

 

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7x6andchg: All of which, Nony, is wonderful...

But men are (and yes I realize this is a women's issues board, so if Sammy wants me to pack my phallic trunk I will ) dissuaded from such behavior.

It still shocks me when a man tells me that he thinks I'm a handsome guy...or that I look good in a certain outfit...does being a man mean I don't deserve to hear these things? Are we merely supposed to be "strong" enough that it doesn't matter?

I like this discussion...very true and eye opening.

Paul
7x6&C

 

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9cyclops9: 7x6...BINGO! Heh. I hate society's expectations of men. Its like a man trying to be a human being (with emotions and everything) is looked down upon, and the macho stud guy is the hero. That's a load of crap. I don't know how it got screwed up like this, but somewhere along the way it did. I think maybe it's getting better, but its because guys that were about to crack decided they weren't going to put up with it anymore. My best friends back home (in Pensacola) were all really close and we could talk to each other about ANYTHING and cry (yeah! guys cry too!) or vent...it was great! None of us had to worry about the others thinking we were being "feminine" or anything (no offense to the ladies of course). We all accepted each other and were comfortable sharing our feelings with each other. Its a rare thing, sadly. Now that I'm away from home I see how much I took that for granted. I really miss those guys.  :'(

John

 

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7x6andchg: John (if I may)-

Of course men cry...REAL men cry, IMHO.

If my memory serves, you're in college? That, sir, is the best time to make new friends, I think (make new friends, and keep the old; for one is silver, the other gold) that are in the same semi-orphaned predicament...and they become your "family"...

But - as you say - I like to think it's getting better. Since my mother died a year ago (which still surprises me - that it's been a year this week) I find myself crying a lot - and I don't get a whole lot of askance glances....but, how much of that is because people know I've had a loss and are willing to write it off to that?

I mean, I'm not one of those "Metrosexuals" you hear about either. I'm certainly not into most of the things they say that the "Metrosexual" is supposed to be into...fashion, etc...I just know what I feel. This week I feel an ineffable sadness. Next week it could be a wonderful joy. Yet, social mores say I am not supposed to express these...either of them. *sigh*

7x6&C

 

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SpeedoGuy: [quote author=sammygirly link=board=women;num=1064957067;start=0#0 date=09/30/03 at 14:15:27]
It's like that old joke...what DO you say when your woman asks "Do I look fat in this?"....cuz you KNOW she's having one of those moments....[/quote]

I think it was humor columnist Dave Barry who said when you hear that question, the guillotine is already on its way down. Move away fast.

Seriously, though. What I do is review my copy of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's book on Non-Violent Communication which provides some very practical models on how to effectively communicate with angry, stressed or emotionally unhappy men or women. I've used the technuiqes suggested in the book to establish rapport with unhappy partners and defuse the hurt by allowing them to vent their frustrations without becoming personally defensive or offended. By and large, I've found it to be effective at work and at home and I recomend it to anyone looking to improve their communication skills.

SG

 

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rainfletcher: Sammy,

Ah, my friend. This is somethign that gets us ALL. My particular problem is not necessarily with who I am, but in who I am not. No matter how good a particular quality is, I feel inadequate thinking that there's someone else out there who is better and would be better for my girlfriend. This is all in my head, of course. She's perfectly happy with who I am, but I can't help but think that others would be better for her (including her ex-boyfriend :-[)...

 

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Tender: my sweetboy has cried in front of me lots of times. and vice versa. i mean isnt that what a spouse is for?

as for the topic of *me* being insecure...
well yeah i am.
i think i blame it on hormones alot too.
sometimes it is as if i am not even me. does that make sense? ugh! i hate it!
he says he can test the air when he gets home and knows whether hes toast or not without saying anything LOL!
but i think some of the insecurities i have are due to some poor decisons i made when i was younger, and well now i have to live with that, ya know? sort of a constant reminder of how stupid i am.
sigh.
what rain said about the ex thing... ugh, yeah i deal with that...

 

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Tender: *** This week I feel an ineffable sadness.  Next week it could be a wonderful joy.  Yet, social mores say I am not supposed to express these...either of them.  *sigh*

7x6&C[/quote]***

dont know what to say, just wanted to send you a hug sweetie...

(((hugs)))
for you


:-*
Tender

 

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Tender: ok well its me again.
i had a couple of folks PM me about my comment regarding the ex thing. so even though it sort of isnt relative to this post,,, i guess ill put a little piece of my story here...

stop reading now if your not into rehashment lol

once upon a time i was 17.
slept with the boyfriend i had had for 3 years.
several weeks later he still hadnt called me. ??? not *that* unusual, but i guess i just decided that was enough...
had a 3 wk fling with a guy who got back together with his wife...you can figure that one out...
well by then i didnt care if i lived or died, let alone who i was in bed with... :'(
i figured i lost 3 yrs on the last guy, might as well jump fast with the next one, and save myself some time. if he keeps me great, if not oh well... pretty logical thinking when you are 17 and heartbroken...
so after the 3 wk ordeal, i decided well maybe men just werent for me... forget all of them... :-/
at that point i swore the only way id end up with one is if he threw himself on me and begged lol.
so l-o-n-g story short about a month later i met sweetboy. he threw himself on me asked me to marry him the first night we went out. id only seen him once for 10 min, ya know?!

at this point the ex calls.
he called me several times durring my engagement, but we never talked about what happened.

a week before the wedding, he called me, drunk, begged me not to get married. :'( right like i can just call off a wedding or something. besides that, he still didnt offer any excuse, even a poor one, as to why he waited 3 whole months to call me afterwards.
and then i cried myself to sleep... one week before. i really had no business getting married, like that...

fast forward 8 yrs.
a cousin of mine calls and says she ran across him in a chat room. thats very strange, small world i guess.
i told her she could give him my email.

well he said he wanted to apologize for some things.
and that the stupidest thing he ever did was NOT ask me to marry him. and that he had slept with several girls before me, but no one he loved. after wards, he just freaked out i guess. said he was too embarassed to call me. and thought id be mad at him or something.
by the time he got the nerve to call me again, he found out i was engaged. :'(

he married the next girl that came along.
sort of took up drinking, and carried my pic in his wallet for like 3 yrs.
finally one day he thought to himself he couldnt keep living like that. so i got demoted to a shoebox, he quit drinking, and divorced the rebound girl.

well after we talked through some stuff over several days, all in all it was just a crappy time for me, and hubby was sort of clueless.
our marriage has never been good.
i always knew it was because of all this past junk... but gee how is that SB's fault?? :-/
so i had a nervous breakdown, literally.
and thats is when SB is like WHAT is the DEAL!?
so i told him all of it.

i think that we have never really gotten along because i have never allowed myself to love him.
i just got hurt too bad, and not letting that happen again.

so thats what happened with the ex thing.
gee there are still days i look at my life as a whole and think 'i messed up everything'.
i am not the me i thought i was.
i feel like i am living someone elses life.
like i am trapped.

i love sweetboy.
he is a good man.
but well, i dunno, i guess i just cant explain it ... :-/

so i struggle with how i stupidly messed up everything....
and im sure SB struggles with some of it as well...
its just there, ya know?


ok now back to our regular scheduled topic...
sorry to interupt....

 

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longtimelurker: Hey Tender, that's really sad. :-/

Everyone feels that they've messed up sooner or later - personally I had that feeling with a few of my mates during my first degree, where there was a fall-out and I was kinda left in the lurch.

Hopefully it's helped putting it down, and I'm sure mine will not be the first message of support here.

 

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awellhungboi: Yeah, I was very touched by your story too, Tender. Thanks for sharing that with us. From what I've seen of your posts you're a very open and honest person with a good sense of humor--I'm glad you're posting here.

I wish I had some wise advice to give you that would make you feel better, but all I know to say is that I let the first woman I ever truly loved, someone I considered my soulmate, slip away, and spent years mourning the mistake, and comparing her with not only every woman I went out with, but every girl who crossed my path--and never found anyone who compared until I finally gave up my sense of grief and loss, stopped beating myself up about it, and accepted that it was over and moved on. Then I found a whole new bunch of wonderful women I truly loved, and who gave me brand new opportunities to screw things up.

Anyway, I guess my point is to try not to focus too much on the past, or what could have been, and to focus on how good the the present and the future can still be. I wish you and your sweetboy a lot of luck and plenty of happiness!