Loneliness

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deleted3782

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There has been a good discussion in a picture thread, and I don't want to dilute the intent of that thread with a side discusssion, so...a new thread.

Do you struggle with loneliness?

Thanks to AG08:



I think we have all been hurt and let down by others guys we considered our bros in the past...Make the effort to meet new guy friends, and eventually it will pay off. It's starting to for me. I hope this helps guys! Cheers! :cool:


The article doesn't speak for me exactly. I never sought money or fame, and I never had a family or kids. I did have a few strong friendships with guys when I was younger, and all of them have drifted away when they got married and had kids, except one. It used to bother me, but I respect their need to focus on family.


I wouldn't mind having close local friends, or a gang (as the article stated)...to a limit. As you get older, I think you become more suspicious of other people's agendas. Maybe they want a fishing buddy...but I dont like fishing. Maybe they want a drinking buddy...but I don't enjoy drinking. I just want to do what I want, when I want, and how I want...but to a degree, I've always been like that.


I might be growing into a classic isolationist male...after work I keep to myself, on weekends I keep to myself unless someone asks me to do something (and even then I only accept if its something that interests me), and for Christmas I'm taking a two week trip out of the country by myself. Sometimes, I think it would be great to have a buddy in my life, but other times I find I keep myself isolated on purpose.

Do you struggle with being by yourself? Do you enjoy going solo? Would you like to have a "bro" or a "gang" of guys? Does being solo scare the fuck out of you...especially after reading articles like the one above? :tongue:
 

ConanTheBarber

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I wouldn't mind having close local friends, or a gang (as the article stated)...to a limit. As you get older, I think you become more suspicious of other people's agendas. Maybe they want a fishing buddy...but I dont like fishing. Maybe they want a drinking buddy...but I don't enjoy drinking. I just want to do what I want, when I want, and how I want...but to a degree, I've always been like that.

That's my situation, pretty much to a 'T.' I had a great number of friends at university, but I moved far away and lost touch. (I do see them when I go home ... at least several of them, the ones that meant the most to me.)

And I do have friends now. But the connection, in mid-life, just isn't the same.

And, perhaps a bit like you, my interests are not widely shared.

I have connection, friends, some kind of social network ... but I need easily twice as much.

I might be growing into a classic isolationist male...after work I keep to myself, on weekends I keep to myself unless someone asks me to do something (and even then I only accept if its something that interests me), and for Christmas I'm taking a two week trip out of the country by myself. Sometimes, I think it would be great to have a buddy in my life, but other times I find I keep myself isolated on purpose.

I'm certainly a bit isolationist.
I always spend Christmas with people I know, though.
And many weekends, there's a dinner party.
I have a couple of friends who call me their best friend ... but nothing that quite tips into the full 'buddy' class.

Do you struggle with being by yourself? Do you enjoy going solo? Would you like to have a "bro" or a "gang" of guys? Does being solo scare the fuck out of you...especially after reading articles like the one above?

I absolutely have to go solo much of the time. It's required, an absolute essential.
But yes ... a 'bro' or 'gang' would put some juice back into my life.
I wouldn't say I'm scared. I just feel a constant, subtle hunger.
 

goshawk_uk

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I've lived alone for many years and am happy with my own company, enjoying holidays on my own too; BUT I think its important to socialise and its especially great when men can hang out together and enjoy each others company. I have 'girlfriends' too and enjoy being with them for meals and maybe going to the theatre or in groups of friends.
Exwhyzee...I hope you find lasting and loyal friends along the way!
 
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deleted3782

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I have connection, friends, some kind of social network ... but I need easily twice as much.

I wonder how much online socializing gives some people enough connection to keep them satisfied.

Exwhyzee...I hope you find lasting and loyal friends along the way!

I'm romantic enough (in the fanciful; impractical; unrealistic sense) that I can't force friendship with anyone...it just has to happen like it does in movies. So far, that movie crap hasn't happened, but that might be ok.
 

hrdhatdad

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I think as guys many of us outgrow the large social networks that we formed in high school and college. As a self-identified introvert, my career pretty much zaps my energy for wanting to socialize even half as much as I once did. On the other hand, my closest friend is an extrovert and he still operates much as he did back in college. He consistantly plans large gatherings and never seems over-taxed by it. He's also a very simple guy whereas I tend to be more complex. I think you just have to be yourself and feel free to isolate when you need to. Incidentally, once my dad retired I noticed that he suddenly became extremely social after years of being somewhat isolative as well as having been a workaholic. He's now 82 and is on the go all the time.
 

ConanTheBarber

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I wonder how much online socializing gives some people enough connection to keep them satisfied.
I think it fills the void a bit.
Trouble is, it displaces the opportunity for in-the-flesh socializing.
But if you're not going to socialize anyway ....
Vicious circle. Dang!

I'm romantic enough (in the fanciful; impractical; unrealistic sense) that I can't force friendship with anyone...it just has to happen like it does in movies. So far, that movie crap hasn't happened, but that might be ok.
You need a new casting director, Ex.
 

dongalong

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I've been feeling lonely recently.

I've always been a shy loner but then again have always been very popular, I seem to have many friends but very few close ones. This gives me freedom to do what I want instead of following what a group of friends want me to do, so most of the time I end up alone. I do like this freedom but those friends don't think of inviting me to do stuff with them very often.

Another reason is that I dug myself into a hole by starting an overly ambitious appartment renovation project which has given me serious financial problems and little comfort for inviting friends around.

I see only one solution - to finish my place as quickly as possible and get this weight off my shoulders. I think it will take another few months if finances allow. I have learnt that I only make fast progress when I'm focused on one thing so I accept this loneliness as the price to pay to achieve my goal, it isn't so bad and can end whenever I want.
 

rbkwp

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Do you struggle with loneliness?


One of the first things i felt i needed to conquer, when i came to realize i was Gay and even then sort of knew, i would never be living my entire life with a permanent or a series of Partners

Accomplished this i feel, by having a lot of time ( 5 years) on shift work, therefore i was forever getting every book available, from Religions to Philosophy (all the Religions,Plato to B Russell) even books like Aubrey Beardsley ( NZ in the late 60s had his beautiful erotic line drawings LOCKED up in Wellington, i had to make a special written request for such)
Am sure the Librarian shuddered whenever i walked in there, i requested so many books from the Wellington Archives ha)

Anyway this thirst for knowledge was all very well and good, but retaining the information was difficult, ( minimal Schooling Country Boy, uneducated etc)
Understood it all as i read , but retaining it was impossible? ha
DID retain the parts i thought were worth retaining
and i think with this developed my own ' rules of life' to live by, hence i think, i became independant, and with this conquored any thought of loneliness and have lived my life out succesfully thruout the years

Even my extensive ' working with people' i call it, i feel stems from these formative years so to speak
Theres not many type of persons i have not spent time working hands on with, in the Company with, more so the down and outers
Further education only neccesary for the particular job undertaken
Secured many of these thru Practical self learned knowledge.

Had a few relationships, (M /F) but like i figured they ended for whatever reasons,and have lived Solo for maybe the last 25 years, and never ever regretted it.
To me, i think even Partnered couples have frequent bouts of Loneliness, arguments spouse dying before the other etc, so we are not alone.

Thanks for the opportunity of the thread OP
A Good Chance for a Sunday Am Rave ha with Sanctuary playing in the background
(music to calm and sooth your soul) is there catchcry ..
 

HFOStimmer

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I am one of those guys that is extremely lonely and hates being around people. I've gone many years with no friends at all. I've had two LTRs and three short-term relationships (2-3 months each) and all of them ended very badly. In-between, I've tried to make friends or groups of friends, but I am in a category that doesn't fit into others very well (gay, poor, overweight, unattractive.) So I can't make straight male friends cause they don't want to be around gay guys and I can't make gay male friends cause they are either; looking for sex, are high-money-snobs, or are looking for someone to use.
I choose loneliness over companionship because it is the safer (both monetarily and emotionally) option.
I can relate to the apartment renovation comment as my own house is 1/3 gutted and my business isn't doing well enough to put money back into my place to make it acceptable for a visitor. And I just don't get invited to other places.
I have a few female friends, for the first time in my life, but they don't quite fill the manly-void that I have. I would rather do outdoor things with men than be invited to see Magic Mike with the girls.
I would love to find a relationship or a friendship with someone that I can trust and that I actually enjoy being around.
 

D_Aurifice_Stupher

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Until five months ago, I lived with my wife, her daughter, our grandson, two dogs and two cats. Then suddenly she wants a divorce, and I find myself living alone once again, as I had for so many years before meeting her. It was a little rough at first, but I've adopted to it once again. I do not have many friends, and most of them are phone friends because they live too far away. I do not bar hop or do the club scene, hate going to movies and things of that nature. Matter of fact, I go through life trying to spend as little money as I can. So I am alone 95% of the time, and that's okay.

I would like to meet one special guy, that could get me over the "never been with a man" thing. Doubt it will happen though, and that's okay as well. Most of us go through life with unfulfilled desires. Sad but true.
 

HFOStimmer

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a lot of the comments here describe me perfectly as well. I moved to the outskirts of a very small town to be alone after living in the tight neighborhoods of Columbus for 19 years. The space has helped my sanity, but has been terrible for my loneliness. There are several gay couples here, but they don't want anything to do with me cause I don't make enough money to keep up with them.
I especially relate to the "suicide from loneliness" parts as I often think about that myself.
 
D

deleted3782

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I think its ok (maybe even good?) to feel loneliness from time to time. That's part of the package deal in being human.

Sometimes I think being gay can be an obstruction to male bonding. Some gay guys send mixed signals, or confuse sexual relationships with platonic relationships. I have one gay friend who send me an email asking if we can meet for lunch with "Hey handsome," or "Hey sexy". Does he want to sleep with me, or just be a bud?

To be a bit more upbeat and to help those who are struggling...what are some ideas to combate feeling isolated? The article states that women often feel more content as they age...what's the trick, ladies?
 

Russ311

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I am the type of guy that always needs some kind of friend in my life. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone and when I am lonely I get depressed. I am an only child, my brother died 10 yrs ago, and I am scared to death that one day I will have no family. I have no cousins and I am gay. The idea of marrying a man is not appealing to me yet if I was in a long committed relationship the idea of a child is not out. I want to finish school before I do any of that. It is very important for me to have a best friend, to me being lonely is the worst possible thing.
 

Guill

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Preface, I haven't read the article nor do I fall under the general category of aging men although I am aging every day and most consider me an old soul.

I don't like a lot of people around all the time but I do like having a group with who i can relax or do things with. For me it is a lot more about spending time with them and not really the activity that is planned.

Where I live now this is not at all my ideal situation...the closest friend who I regularly (read about once a month) hang out with is 45 min away...from there it goes up to 1.5hrs and 2.5 and 3hrs for the next closest friends.

Regarding this site I recognize the impulse to log into chat as a way to fill up some of this loneliness. Virtual socialization is somewhat better than none at all for me. This impulse is something I've tried to examine and evaluate especially when chat is down and I realize how bored I am with out it. I always used to be able to spend hours at a time with myself with out any issue and that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.
 

Phil Ayesho

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XYZ

Being solitary is a form of laziness, selfishness, or both.

Being alone can become habitual... and not having to deal with the idiosyncrasies of others can result in losing the ability to do so... like any muscle, not using it leads to atrophy.


Community does not just happen. It takes effort. It takes the kind of compassion that can actually like and love other human beings, despite their flaws.
You have to put up with nothing, in others, much different than what you ask them to put with in you.

especially as we get older... it is easy to become complacent and comfy in our insularity...
to become accustomed to loneliness until it is both our refuge and our redoubt.

That is not living.

Each of us is individually responsible to CREATE community.
You want a more loving and compassionate world? full of more interesting and engaging people?

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Join in... or invent your own space into which you invite like minded souls. Have it be a cooperative of mutual professional support... or revolve around your children... or helping to do something that so obviously needs getting done to better your community, your county or your country.

Loneliness is the the fruit of inaction where your fellow man is involved.

Remember John Donne's words:

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
 

D_Aurifice_Stupher

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I am not entirely solitary. I do have to go to work daily, and get along well with everyone I work with. As well as can be expected for one with hearing as bad as I have. Even with a hearing aid, I constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves, sometimes more than once. It's very frustrating, and the tendency to shy away from conversations is strong because of it.

I own a Ford Lightning, and there is a group of us that get together monthly, barbecue, smokem cigars, drink beer, etc. They are always a hoot.

But day-to-day, it's mostly just me. There is not I like to do. Hate sports, bars and clubs, and especially crowds. Crowds exacerbate my hearing problem.

So I've just gotten used to being alone most of the time.:frown1:
 

sundancerco

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I read once that many men are lonely because they don't know how to build relationships with other men. They have looked to their wife/partner as their best friend. They have not built relationships outside of their relationship. Then if the marriage or relationship ends, they are lost. . I am never lonely. I love being by my self. But there are plenty of opportunities if I wish to join them. There is a local Porsche club that would like me to join. As well as a few motorcycle clubs. But I have no interest in these groups. There are churches, or groups that help the less fortunate that I could join as well, but there isn't any interest. As I see it, if one needs human contact, there are many options out there, but they may be too much trouble. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. I like being able to come and go as I please, and not have to consider another persons wants or likes.

However, for those that are lonely, there are a number of opportunities to volunteer and that would give one the opportunity to meet other people and perhaps build friendships.

That is just how I see it, I could be wrong.
 
D

deleted3782

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XYZ

Being solitary is a form of laziness, selfishness, or both.

I suppose I think there is a difference between being lonesome and being solitary.

Perhaps being lonesome is the lack of companionship, when companionship is desired. Being solitary is the absence or reduction of human contact.

From time to time, I wish I had a friend to watch a movie or split a pizza (see bio line below). But in my professional life, I work with people intensly...and deal with more than my fair share of idiosyncrasies. Somtimes I wish I had to deal with much fewer idio's!

They can be related, but I also think you can have one and not the other.
 

spoon

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Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, William Pollack, Ph.D

This is a really good book. Based on William Pollack's groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School over two decades. Real Boys explores why many boys are sad, lonely, and confused although they may appear tough, cheerful, and confident. Pollack challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground. Only when we understand what boys are really like, says Pollack, can we help them develop more self-confidence and the emotional savvy they need to deal with issues such as depression, love and sexuality, drugs and alcohol, divorce, and violence.