Socially defunct, how to questions.

[WessexEN]

Before we get started, I know I keep bashing on and on about it, but consider the fact I have Aspergers Syndrome, which does and will cause a lot of problems with relationships, if you have the time, I recommend reading: Asperger syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

That done? Right.

Now, the problem, I don't mind girls fancing me, but if you notice, there is one big problem with aspies, that is:

" Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or enjoy spontaneous interests or achievements with others, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture." (from Wikipedia).


Basically meaning that body language is often miss-read, so, small cues can indicate problems. The opposite is true as well, we may take some subtle hints and grossly over exaggerate them. Now, there is a reason why I am asking for help, despite the fact that for a lot of you, its going to be a tough question to answer. Anyway,

I was waiting for a bus, in a slightly pissed off mood..

(LONG STORY STARTS)
Who turns up you may ask?

Well, there was a girl right next to me one evening in January, with her friends, I am sitting on my own (85% of the time, its the same, on my own, travelling to home and college and back). As soon as she sat next to me, her conversation turned a little sexual and a little worrying. At the age of 16, while nearly 22, I thought, this isn't going to work and at the same time, I thought I smelt a rat (so to speak.). The bus gets nearer to Havant and she starts throwing sweets at me and when I get off, she grabs my arse.

After a few weeks of quietness, she was there at the bus stop, waiting for the bus, so she says "maybe we'll sit next to him" while stroking my arm. Ofcourse, the bus moves to the wrong place and I am near last in the queue, while forced to stand.

She does/says nothing. Her friend gets off and I ask "were you being serious about your offer or joking?", she confesses "joking" after repeating the question 4 times, so, I go back to the front. Little scared I confess.

So I get off a stop early and do my usual fast pace walk to Havant Station (and safety).


(LONG STORY ENDS).

Anyway, the point is, I am one of these vunerable people, scared and worried, but with the right person, a very nice person I can be. I feel vunerable, as my mind isn't quite right, as mentioned above. So I get the fear that I maybe exploited or taken advantage of and the question now relates to relationships.

The thing is, I don't want to go out and shag a 16yo girl, as to me (and to the law), its wrong, if she really does choose me, then I guess thats ok, but I am still worried about the legitimacy. If shes been exploiting me this long (and it maybe to her, that she isn't, but appears to me), I am very concerned that this could be applied to most others.


So, how do you detect a genuine person and a time waster? What differences do they have? Because, to me, both can look the same and if one is timewasting, it may categorise someone who isn't timewasting as a timewaster to me.

I'd appeciate any help given and hopefully, its not only me with the same problem.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

It's very hard to explain because it's instinct, I think what I'd advise you is to take your time over things, if someone was, as you put it, exploiting you it would probably be of short duration, if someone was genuinely interested in you they'd stick around. Ask people around and ask your mum's or your sister's opinion on them, I know young guys don't like to ask family what they think of the girls they hang with but they're people who you can trust to be honest with you. Let people you meet know you have aspergers and explain to them what it is.

 

[B_cigarbabe]

That is good advice wessex,since people with asperger's,tend to not be able to read facial clue's,I would just come right out and ask them,or ask a family member for help. But you might want to find someone, a little bit older than 16,who is mature enough to understand your problem.
Best wishes.
cigarbabe:saevil:

 

[WessexEN]

Thanks for the advice.
The trouble is that I travel mostly on my own, shame really. Sometimes, I do get opinions while quizzing my sister, but really, this can be very difficult at times, especially considering that my sister may no longer live at home anymore.
As for long term, how long is a girl willing to wait for a guy to ask her out? Can it be days? Months? Years?



Finally, I think I traced down the person in question, I asked her via Myspace if she uses Services 37/39 (2 buses which are commonly used by students from Havant to the particular college.), if it is confirmed to be her, I shall need to do a lot of quizzing. For a start, she mentions in her profile that she is in a relationship, if so, why me as well as him? Or why is she implying it? So I can get into trouble with her boyfriend and end up in a lynch fest?

No thank you.


EDIT: As for the AS, I do let most know about it, as I do believe it does make a difference. Some girls however, I tend to be slower with. I don't mind someone comming up to me and say "Hi, I like you, may I have your number?" in a quiet manor, but on the bus, shouting from the extreme back to the extreme front is going far and when backed up with 5 of your friends, its get scary.

 

[Hemicudap]

Just out of curiosity, have you actually been diagnosed with aspergers? I'm not judging, just making sure.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

If someone's shouting from the back of the bus it's unlikely to be real interest, just bravado and acting silly. Ask the girls out when they're alone, when young 'uns are in front of their mates they're often stupid. How did you track this girl down through myspace, I don't use myspace but I'd be a bit suspicious if someone claimed to be the person I'd been talking to the other day - strange coincidences do happen but think about it, it's unlikely.

 

[playainda336]

Well, according to one book on Asperger's Syndrome, most people with Asperger's know immediately after they read into it that they have it.

-shrugs-

It's very hard to explain because it's instinct...

Unfortunately, instinct (common sense) is something that people with Asperger's don't really have.

As for the AS, I do let most know about it, as I do believe it does make a difference.

Interesting. Well, I think I've mentioned before, I don't know that I have it or not. I know that I started diagnosis and after the first few sessions they told me that they were pretty sure that I had it, but I didn't complete diagnosis.

I figure at age 22, finding out that I have Asperger's Syndrome - autism - would not be beneficial to me, being that most therapy and coping mechanisms are performed in the more developmental stages of youth.

If this post does nothing, it makes me believe I have it more than I already do. However, I don't tell people about it. I told close friends and my parents/sister. Outside of that, nobody knows and I like to keep it that way. Most of my friends and my mother say that it explains everything that they've already known about me (after they read related materials).

I find it interesting that you say you tell many people about it, though. I guess I don't because I'd think that people would look down on me or use it a weakness that I have...or think that I use it as a crutch. I find it helpful that I recognize it though, because in situations that I know may be affected, I try to rethink things through and find new ways to do old things. But I don't think it helpful to tell people unless they are close to me already.

If a girl doesn't like you without knowing about Asperger's, then she's not good enough to begin with.

To completely answer your original post though, I...I have been in similar situations and not known what to do myself.

 

[dolfette]

she sounds childish and silly.

you should be aiming for someone more mature, who will be understanding when your aspergers creates issues.

a silly schoolgirl is the last thing you need.

if you have problems reading body language, do you have a friend or sibling who can help you out?

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

It may be naive but would reading a book on body language help?

 

[WessexEN]

Just out of curiosity, have you actually been diagnosed with aspergers? I'm not judging, just making sure.

Yes, its been formally accepted, in fact, I was formally diagnosed when I was three, but I never knew until I was 18 and even then, I was in psycriatric treatment. (Thats twice I have been in, both due to 2 different girls, one was well, ok, a scratch, the other I couldn't cope with her just cutting me off the way she did, shes moved to Norway now, it then esculated into accomodation issues and life issues.)



As for the look up, I recongised the face, when I looked at the forums for the college that I attend.



Playainda336, its is easier learning I am not the only one then. I am glad to see that there are 2 of us with these issues, which I never said was a weakness, its more of a ballance really. Even if you tell those you have it and if you don't, those bastards are quite crafty at picking up a weakness you have and for me, its worsened by redhair and other bad experiences. I won't say I've had life badly, but socially, I haven't done well. (Although, its a bit of a different story with some I know.)

Surrounded by a load of youngers, does make me stick out like a sore thumb though.

 

[WessexEN]

she sounds childish and silly.

you should be aiming for someone more mature, who will be understanding when your aspergers creates issues.

a silly schoolgirl is the last thing you need.

if you have problems reading body language, do you have a friend or sibling who can help you out?

Too agreed, if she does that to someone else, then she is going to get herself into a sticky situation that she won't have anyone to blame, but herself. Funny really. (I'll wait until she does, I've met many below average youngsters and found how stupid they can be, look here for example (yes, it does have some relavence to the thread, cars were nothing, trains is a bit more of a bigger object to take on)).

Body language books maybe an idea, but again, aspies get stuck in loops in some situaitons.

 

[dolfette]

question...

i know that in the uk there's at least one dating agency for people with learning disabilities, autism, etc.

might there be an agency like that near you?

if so, would it be easier or harder for you if the girl had aspergers too?

 

[WessexEN]

question...

i know that in the uk there's at least one dating agency for people with learning disabilities, autism, etc.

might there be an agency like that near you?

if so, would it be easier or harder for you if the girl had aspergers too?

Possibly easier, I found out about one girl with AS, as she happens to go on the same train as me, trouble is, she doesn't posess that interested in me anymore.
As for the dating agency, I am not aware of one, but I haven't looked.

 

[dolfette]

Possibly easier, I found out about one girl with AS, as she happens to go on the same train as me, trouble is, she doesn't posess that interested in me anymore.
As for the dating agency, I am not aware of one, but I haven't looked.

you should look it up.

you've nothing to lose :smile:

 

[playainda336]

Playainda336, its is easier learning I am not the only one then. I am glad to see that there are 2 of us with these issues, which I never said was a weakness, its more of a ballance really. Even if you tell those you have it and if you don't, those bastards are quite crafty at picking up a weakness you have and for me, its worsened by redhair and other bad experiences. I won't say I've had life badly, but socially, I haven't done well. (Although, its a bit of a different story with some I know.)

Well...I don't consider it a weakness. I said that I don't mention so that others don't consider it a (or my) weakness. I just think it best that I don't mention it.

I find that if people just see your flaws as "simply flaws" instead of "because he's autistic" you seem more...I dunno...normal to others. I let them know what they need to know and go on about it.

Actually as far as diagnosis, from what I understand most testing for it didn't start until the mid 90's. I actually had a 4th grade teacher who told my mother that I had Asperger's and she dismissed it until last year...when she revealed to me that my teacher had said the same thing in 1994.

I have realized that people are going to pick on you about whatever they want to pick on you about, but focusing on the things that people pick on is not beneficial to adapting viably into society. Most of the times people pick on you in an effort to make you feel lesser than you are...when in actuality, the people picking on you are most likely jealous of you for whatever reason. I believe I'm past that now.

Ahhh...all this exposition. I'll stop rambling now.

question...

i know that in the uk there's at least one dating agency for people with learning disabilities, autism, etc.

might there be an agency like that near you?

if so, would it be easier or harder for you if the girl had aspergers too?

I'm not sure I'd ever like to go through a dating agency like that. I'd rather be a with a person because we got together mutually and decided upon it...be with someone who wants me for me...with or without the parts of me that make me, me.

 

[dolfette]

Ahhh...all this exposition. I'll stop rambling now.
I'm not sure I'd ever like to go through a dating agency like that. I'd rather be a with a person because we got together mutually and decided upon it...be with someone who wants me for me...with or without the parts of me that make me, me.

i used online dating sites.
it's no big deal.
you go somewhere where you'll meet like minded people.
you're still looking for that connection, that person who likes all that you are...you're just increasing your odds.

 

[Principessa]

As for long term, how long is a girl willing to wait for a guy to ask her out? Can it be days? Months? Years? - Depends on the girl; but waiting for years is out don't ever wait that long. If it's just a matter of getting your courage up a few days is fine.

Finally, I think I traced down the person in question, I asked her via Myspace if she uses Services 37/39 (2 buses which are commonly used by students from Havant to the particular college.), if it is confirmed to be her, I shall need to do a lot of quizzing. For a start, she mentions in her profile that she is in a relationship, if so, why me as well as him? Or why is she implying it? So I can get into trouble with her boyfriend and end up in a lynch fest?
No thank you. If she currently has a boyfriend my advice would be not to ask her out.
EDIT: As for the AS, I do let most know about it, as I do believe it does make a difference. Some girls however, I tend to be slower with. I don't mind someone comming up to me and say "Hi, I like you, may I have your number?" in a quiet manor, but on the bus, shouting from the extreme back to the extreme front is going far and when backed up with 5 of your friends, its get scary.[/quote]
The overt flirting on the bus with friends and then grabbing your butt was in my opinion rude and not done out of genuine affection for you. I may be wrong but I think she may have just been having girlish fun. with you.

question...

i know that in the uk there's at least one dating agency for people with learning disabilities, autism, etc. might there be an agency like that near you? if so, would it be easier or harder for you if the girl had aspergers too?

Really? How bizarre. Ugh, I would so not want that if I were him! Compartmentalizing himself in a relationship with someone with Asperger's may be easier in some aspect. In the long run I think he is better off doing the trial and error of asking out girls he fancys and having them say no or yes. That's what allegedly normal men do.
[]

 

[Principessa]

Well...I don't consider it a weakness. I just think it best that I don't mention it.

Actually as far as diagnosis, from what I understand most testing for it didn't start until the mid 90's. I actually had a 4th grade teacher who told my mother that I had Asperger's and she dismissed it until last year...when she revealed to me that my teacher had said the same thing in 1994. - Is that a cultural thing? My little cousin was diagnosed with Asperger's in kindergarten and the teacher mentioned that there were some special classes he could take to help him. Apparently all my cousin heard was "special" and her brain closed down and went into, 'there is nothing wrong with MY child mode.' I of course started googling AS and reading about it and realized those cute quirky things he has done since birth are all symptoms of AS. I want to help him so badly but short of adopting him I have no idea how. He is only 7 and already an outcast on the playground. :frown1:

I have realized that people are going to pick on you about whatever they want to pick on you about, but focusing on the things that people pick on is not beneficial to adapting viably into society. Most of the times people pick on you in an effort to make you feel lesser than you are...when in actuality, the people picking on you are most likely jealous of you for whatever reason. Very True! It took me decades to learn this. I believe I'm past that now.

Ahhh...all this exposition. I'll stop rambling now.
I'm not sure I'd ever like to go through a dating agency like that. I'd rather be a with a person because we got together mutually and decided upon it...be with someone who wants me for me...with or without the parts of me that make me, me. Exactly!

 

[dolfette]

Really? How bizarre. Ugh, I would so not want that if I were him! Compartmentalizing himself in a relationship with someone with Asperger's may be easier in some aspect. In the long run I think he is better off doing the trial and error of asking out girls he fancys and having them say no or yes. That's what allegedly normal men do.
[]

why bizarre?
i've seen jewish agencies, for people who feel that they'd have a better relationship with someone of the same belief system.
i've seen bdsm agencies, for people who feel they're more likely to find sexual satisfaction with a partner on the scene.

it wouldn't stop him meeting girls in all the other ways you can meet girls...it would simply add more girls, who might think and feel the same way he does.
and even if he doesn't find a girlfriend there, he'll at least get a few dates and hopefully build up some confidence.

 

[WessexEN]

and even if he doesn't find a girlfriend there, he'll at least get a few dates and hopefully build up some confidence.

I am soo glad that LPSG isn't just for those with big penises, I am finding it a useful resource tool as well, and I hope my questions (along with their own answers) are of help, not only to me, but to others as well.


A problem with confidence, my fear is that the person I like, would be not interested or its that fear of rejection. Some friends you do have a lot to loose sometimes if the whole lot goes tits up. (I can understand why some women are particulary cautious of dome "dates".)
The other is scars left behind, as mentioned in other threads, its also the messing around and the other issues to begin with.



On a lighter note, I was talking to my tutor about the girl, and what she has mentioned is that it is a form of bullying. If she continues, then they can sort it out (and really, I know my tutor quite well, knowing how hard I work at college, the last thing she would want, is my studies being distracted by a feminine bully.).


As for the touching up, I agree with you, njqt466 and if you don't truely love someone and just doing it to put them in a worse position, I find it quite off putting and as you say, rude. I work on the basis of permission, if you have that permission to touch someone, be it lasting or not, then you know how far to go, otherwise, why bother?