Too Late to have Kids?

[hud01]

Where the cost of living is higher there are opportunities to make it to the middle class. So a certain number isn't really relative as the amount needed to become middle class will change over generations but middle class will always have the same definition of how it fits into the income and lifestyles equation.

This was as clear as mud. But to say make it into the middle class, check just hope to stay there.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

But middle class is often misconstrued when people presume what middle class really defines. You said you had to make atleast 100k where you live to have a good life. Firstly, I wanted to know if 100k is in the middle class income tax bracket where you live? Because it means something different to everyone who sees that number. And to have a "good life" is relative. You can be seemingly poor and still have a good life. My Dad won't buy a soft drink anywhere but he lives in the lap of luxury because of his frugal decisions. Something that many young and immature minded people can't comprehend.

I have a nice home, but I also go without cable or satellite TV to be able to pay all of my bills. Yet many poverished people have cable. So it's all relative.

 

[B_debonair87]

Caring for a family is not complacency. I'm sure women around the world who are doing it well would only wish it was that. I think it's easy to leave your family in the care of someone else. And I owned a business where I did some of this work for the middle class and they will pay a pretty penny just to have someone else do it for them. Because they know time = money. My time for saving them time and physical efforts is worth a lot for a reason.

You seem very immature about your understanding of the role that you are willing to contract out to others because you are aware it could stand in the way of financial success and independence in 50% of everything.

no one said caring for your family is complacency. sitting at home to be a housewife is complacency.

also that last paragraph is is a pretty bad assumption.

How is waiting until you are in your 30's a guarantee she will want to be away from the home when she gets married and has children? Plenty of career women pause their careers so they can stay at home. I guess those women are just complacent.

What you should look for is a woman who is not very nuturing or maternal. Because if she is, she will want to be that in the complacent standards you've mentioned earlier.

average time for maternity leave in america is like 16 weeks. women aren't taking a lot of time off to take care of the children. they're going right back to work after they pop them kids out.

And my grandparents had the relationship you are describing about the 50/50 everything. You should have seen the disaster they had going on in her elder years when she needed surgeries, medications and even home health care to help change her diapers. Since her meager income that resulted from the social security she put back decades before not stretching well for today's economy.....she laid in her diapers for a long time until I could get there to clean her up because he wouldn't pay for the care she needed. After all, their marital agreement was 50% and she couldn't come up with her 50%. We couldn't give her the proper dose of her meds because Grandpa was not going to be paying for refills when she needed them. I forgot to mention she spent almost all of her funeral money she had put aside to pay for her last surgery before she died.

All the while....Grandpa had plenty of his money stashed away to buy the new Mustang Cobra in cash while we were going over to change those diapers. In his mind it was not strange at all because so many years earlier they agreed on his money/her money.

this relates to nothing i'm talking about. sorry to hear about your grandma but this is truly irrelevant. you're not only abusing the 50/50 concept but you're using a strawman argument.

Nice thing to place that fraction above any love for your children just because you really don't need it. I recommend sparing anyone this life that my grandmother signed up for only to be miserable later when she couldn't do anything about it. Since you were born alone and will die alone, what does it matter?

Although that's pretty weird to think you were born alone because your mother was there

.

*sigh* i would break down the meaning of "born alone, live alone, die alone" but you're seemingly not much an intellectual or a philosophical person judging from what you just said. this has nothing to do with someone physically being there for you. you can be married with kids and still feel alone.

I'm not here to change your mind at this point. I'm telling you what life is really like on the other side when you think the way you do. I could have never changed my Grandpa's mind, he is still cool about the arrangements. It worked well for him and how selfish he was. Just screwed her over. Maybe someone else reading this will see there is always much more to life than you picture when you are immature.

you're not in the right to call anyone immature judging from your poor reading comprehension mixed with a need to stray off topic as well as put words in my mouth. you went on rants about materialism when no one said anything about materialism or wealth. you have a very narrow definition and understanding of what success is if all you think about is wealth. its big part of it but there's much more to success than that. everyone today has an opportunity to create their own history and I'm out here trying to create mine.

 

[B_debonair87]

double post...

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Do your thang Debeonair. Pick someone who has similar goals. But please stop the ad hominem attacks.

 

[Drifterwood]

I don't think that's what was meant. I would love any subsequent children the same as my first. All of my children however would take priority over my partner if push came to shove.

no, we'll love all our children the same.

but we'll put the needs of the child ahead on the desires of a partner every single time. whether or not he's the father is irrelevant.

this is true.... for most all mothers... and many fathers will do the same.

children depend on parents for support (of all types) doesn't mean we love our partners less.... it means we love them differently .

Children have to be a priority... and when looking for a mate, the other person should understand that.

Yes, Drifter, that is what is meant.

Thank you all for the clarification.

I am not going to complain about the priorities or the way things are, but I think the effects for men are quite interesting because in modern life push does come to shove.

I hear my married male friends talking about falling down the priority ladder and guys going in first time with a mother can expect the same. It all sounds incerdibly difficult to keep everyone happy. Family one, family two, career, self, home, and husband/partner. I am not surprised that most people fail to juggle all the needs at the different times through their lives. What I mean is that for most of us push does have to come to shove and the kids are the priority.

I have a distant cousin who will have the majority custody of his kids because the mother has various problems. He's early forties and has met a younger woman never before married and they have the same issues, i.e he has been clear that his kids are his priority. So it isn't just a mother thing, men seem to be the same in similar circumstances, you just don't see it so often.

The OP should probably be thankful that the lady was eventually honest.

 

[dolfette]

you're right, doll. i wouldn't ever want a partner to put my wants ahead of his child's needs either.

 

[B_theaussieone]

it's never too late to have children, but you should be aware that having children is not like getting an ipod that you can replace if it gets broken or just leave in the corner. its a full time responsibility, your world and the way you view it wont be the same. you wont be able to take risks, like you would if you where single and uncommited. because you have a child to consider.

secondly you should base your child's mother on qualities that arent as superficial as being blonde, since your going to need to get along with her and looks are great for the short term but a bad personality ruins a person in the long term.

also your never too old, all these people claiming they had children when they were 18 or watever and how your 'lazy/selfish' for delaying a form of slavery known as child rearing. have not lived life, they may pack up the house when the childs in college, but Los angeles, Paris anywhere is more fun when you're young and single and dating and living life. Not when your in your 40's and 50's. For crying out loud what nighclub would even want you near their doors.

thats why youth is so precious, because its fun and its free and it's just awesome. you lived it and experienced it and now you want to settle down , with worldly experience on your side. Whilst all these 18-20 yr old fathers have is their highschool to reminisce about. it's very peasant like really.

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

it's never too late to have children, but you should be aware that having children is not like getting an ipod that you can replace if it gets broken or just leave in the corner. its a full time responsibility, your world and the way you view it wont be the same. you wont be able to take risks, like you would if you where single and uncommited. because you have a child to consider.

secondly you should base your child's mother on qualities that arent as superficial as being blonde, since your going to need to get along with her and looks are great for the short term but a bad personality ruins a person in the long term.

also your never too old, all these people claiming they had children when they were 18 or watever and how your 'lazy/selfish' for delaying a form of slavery known as child rearing. have not lived life, they may pack up the house when the childs in college, but Los angeles, Paris anywhere is more fun when you're young and single and dating and living life. Not when your in your 40's and 50's. For crying out loud what nighclub would even want you near their doors.

thats why youth is so precious, because its fun and its free and it's just awesome. you lived it and experienced it and now you want to settle down , with worldly experience on your side. Whilst all these 18-20 yr old fathers have is their highschool to reminisce about. it's very peasant like really.

You really started off with some very good thoughts...and I "think" I know what you are trying to say... but those highlighted remarks...well, just get ready for the onslaught of 40 and 50 yr olds that are welcomed (happily) into nightclubs around the world, because their children are now grown and they are old enough to know better and still young enough to have fun.
opcorn:

 

[B_theaussieone]

40 and 50 yr olds that are welcomed (happily) into nightclubs around the world, because their children are now grown and they are old enough to know better and still young enough to have fun.
opcorn:

lol Madonna, tina turner even patti labelle maybe welcome at some clubs (gay ones lol) but i havent seen the odd 40-50yr old husband and wife couple grinding on the dance floor. i've seen predatory 50yr old men, but that really is sad. lol

also if your young enough in your 40-50's to be clubbing until 5 am, then why as some commentators here claiming that at that age you dont have the energy to be chasing after children etc.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Guys can father children at 90... But not so women.

Women who have never been pregnant prior to age 35 face a significant challenge. Women who have given birth in their younger years fare much better at getting pregnant beyond age 35, but for a first time pregnancy, it becomes increasingly less likely beyond 35, and often entails expensive medical mediation.

This is the facts... Saying its never too late is like saying anyone can become rich... It CAN happen, but is False hope for the vast majority.

Thus the OP is faced with either finding a woman who already has kids, and is willing to risk her aging eggs and his aging sprem on producing another healthy child...

In which case, his attitude towards her prior kids had better be pretty great...

Or, he has to find a significantly younger woman willing to mate with a much older guy... Not so bad if he goes for a 35 year old... Kinda rare if he tries for 20 year olds.
Most women who are attracted to much older men either have serious daddy issues, or they are seeking an older man because his attainments by that age offer security they value.

( yes... Sometimes a young woman goes for an older guy because he is just perfect for her and age isn't an issue... And SOMEONE wins the lottery every year, but that don't make lottery tickets a good retirement plan)

These are the facts... Frankly I agree with the sentiment that the woman who reneged on having more babies with him did so because it became clear he wasn't good father stock...
A conclusion supported by his sudden, very late, interest in family.

I have little sympathy for people who try so hard to be 18 when they ought to be 32. Because they ARE 32.

Adulthood starts at 18... Sometime soon after that milestone is when you are supposed to find a mate you ache for and are willing to step up and be responsible for.

If family is something you want... Don't count on the universe providing for you when you finally get around to it... You should be aware that women are designed to be best at and most interested in making babies in their 20s and 30s ( if not earlier).

That is reality... And starting your adult life at 40 is possible... But much much harder, and with fewer opportunities.

I know guys in their mid and late forties who decided to grow up at 40.
Every one of them is still single, every one of them still hunting for that younger woman who will overlook their primary character flaw... Being too self centered or immature to have committed to a woman, to a family, when they were younger.

The OP had better stop thinking about what he wants, and had better start focusing on what the woman willing to mate with him wants... And start working to be able to provide that for her.

 

[B_theaussieone]

Guys can father children at 90... But not so women.

Women who have never been pregnant prior to age 35 face a significant challenge. Women who have given birth in their younger years fare much better at getting pregnant beyond age 35, but for a first time pregnancy, it becomes increasingly less likely beyond 35, and often entails expensive medical mediation.

This is the facts... Saying its never too late is like saying anyone can become rich... It CAN happen, but is False hope for the vast majority.

Thus the OP is faced with either finding a woman who already has kids, and is willing to risk her aging eggs and his aging sprem on producing another healthy child...

In which case, his attitude towards her prior kids had better be pretty great...

Or, he has to find a significantly younger woman willing to mate with a much older guy... Not so bad if he goes for a 35 year old... Kinda rare if he tries for 20 year olds.
Most women who are attracted to much older men either have serious daddy issues, or they are seeking an older man because his attainments by that age offer security they value.

( yes... Sometimes a young woman goes for an older guy because he is just perfect for her and age isn't an issue... And SOMEONE wins the lottery every year, but that don't make lottery tickets a good retirement plan)

These are the facts... Frankly I agree with the sentiment that the woman who reneged on having more babies with him did so because it became clear he wasn't good father stock...
A conclusion supported by his sudden, very late, interest in family.

I have little sympathy for people who try so hard to be 18 when they ought to be 32. Because they ARE 32.

Adulthood starts at 18... Sometime soon after that milestone is when you are supposed to find a mate you ache for and are willing to step up and be responsible for.

If family is something you want... Don't count on the universe providing for you when you finally get around to it... You should be aware that women are designed to be best at and most interested in making babies in their 20s and 30s ( if not earlier).

That is reality... And starting your adult life at 40 is possible... But much much harder, and with fewer opportunities.

I know guys in their mid and late forties who decided to grow up at 40.
Every one of them is still single, every one of them still hunting for that younger woman who will overlook their primary character flaw... Being too self centered or immature to have committed to a woman, to a family, when they were younger.

The OP had better stop thinking about what he wants, and had better start focusing on what the woman willing to mate with him wants... And start working to be able to provide that for her.

fathering a child and starting a family does not mean you're an adult. People should want to start having a family whenever they choose, why waste your youth fathering a child, on nappies etc.

 

[EllieP]

My most favorite married couple of all time was childfree for almost 20 years. I love them both dearly, and they still come to visit regularly. They purposefully said child-free and not child-less. It was a choice, and we understood and respected. So knock me down and take my clothes, she calls saying she's pregnant! And she's excited!

We screamed like little girls!!! I was so happy for her that I started crying then she started and it just got worse from there. They just changed their mind. That was then, this is now.

Shelby is 6 years old and she is so beautiful and loved. Daddy complains that going to school programs he's made to feel like a grandpa, but I know deep down he loves it.

My husband has never had children and never desired any. However, he is the most awesome father in the world to my daughter. If you saw them together you would not think they are not related by blood.

Oh, and Shelby and her mom and dad live in Texas. Get your ass out of Dallas and head south to Austin. That's where you need to be! I hate Dallas, but Fort Worth is OK. Austin is heaven.

 

[B_debonair87]

Do your thang Debeonair. Pick someone who has similar goals. But please stop the ad hominem attacks.

you really ought to take your own advice....

 

[travis1985]

you really ought to take your own advice....

Being used to your juvenile, self-centered approach to life from what I've seen elsewhere, I was frankly surprised as hell to see you bothering to read a thread about stable relationships and parenthood in the first place.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

fathering a child and starting a family does not mean you're an adult. People should want to start having a family whenever they choose, why waste your youth fathering a child, on nappies etc.

I didn't say that having kids makes you an adult...

I said you're an adult at 18. That's when you ought to START looking around and understanding the lie of the land.

Having Kids doesn't make an adult.
But Wanting kids, and putting it off till you are 40, does makes you one of those folks who just don't want to face adulthood when adulthood is facing you.

But, sorry... facts are facts... childbearing is a specific time in a woman's life... men can father children at any age, but not all older men have access to women significantly younger.

Your options in life CLOSE... they are not open ended, and they do not become wider as time goes by.
They become narrower.

Life is finite.

The western nations are chock full of folks who put off growing up and shouldering responsibility, because they wanted to have self centered fun.

That's fine.

But suck it up like a man and don't whine when it turns out that your choices at 20 and 25, and 30 have consequences at 40.

I got no sympathy for the suddenly 40 year old daddy wannabee who is surprised that women who have been around the block look at him and see someone who is way late to the party.

 

[DevonTexas]

double post...

Double entendre

 

[goodwood]

ladies and gents -

thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on parenting, age of parenting, circumstances of said. Wow. thank you very much for listening to my thinking out loud and talking back.
I appreciate the encouragement that has been offered, sharing of stories of people in their 40s who are parents and how that came to be.
My personal preference in a partner and mother of my children is nothing more than personal preference. We all have our preferences and I would never think to insult anyone for expressing their own preference in a partner.
I am from New York and Boston for the person who asked.
Stay at home dads are awesome! I fantasize about being a stay at home dad. The year after university i took off to party but ended up being a nanny for friends newborn 8week old son for a year and it was awesome.
Phil Ayesho said I have "...put off adult responsibility until the last possible minute.".
and this is true and very correct. And than CHRIST I did. A clueless party boy and trustfunder a good, solid parent would not have made. Such were my parents and here I am not wanting to repeat my childhood.

In talkign with other single guy friends in the 40 age group, all of whom want to have children and a family, the holidays have them questioning their value as a man without children of their own and they have even asked if it would be better to have a child via any woman who will give birth and pay child support. To that I say ABSOLUTELY NOT!
but i am not the only single guy who wants to be married and have children or at least have children at this age and wants to make sure things are financially squared away.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read my post and shared their thoughts.

 

[travis1985]

BTW, Goodwood, your pics are very nice. Hot.