When The Bromance Breaks

[englad]

I sympathise with your loss. The loss of a close friend is a heavy burden. I've fallen out with friends before and lost touch with them, it hurts and it hurts for a long while.

But you need to understand that this was an abusive relationship, which I think you do. As others have said, he sounds like a narcissist. I think he enjoyed your devotion to him more than anything else. Close friendships are about give and take. If someone takes far more than they give back, they aren't worth it. You need to regain the power by distancing yourself (don't completely blank him, just seem cool and dispassionate), and he's the one that needs to put the effort back in to regain your trust and confidence.

I would also say that you should try to analyse and stop putting straight men on a pedestal. I don't see that as healthy. They're just men with a different sexual orientation, that's it.

 

[TheMeatyProfessor]

This thread is a really good read. I've been keeping up with it since I woke up this morning.

Like others have stated, I sympathize with the emotional hurt the OP is experiencing right now. As we age, it becomes increasingly difficult to find and link up with people for whom we feel a special kind of bond. It wasn't that long ago for me when I felt like I could befriend tons of people around me; that's how colleges are designed. As I have gotten older and my career has taken the journey that it has, and especially because I am not interested in getting married, single (or even quasi-available) thirty-something dudes for platonic relationships have become hard to find. The truth is, I think some people, even if they like their own company and don't want to have large social circles, still feel the need to have somebody of importance in their lives.

For me, I learned hard life lessons in friendship early on. Experiencing these feelings definitely sucked at the time. In high school, my crippling need for the approval of others made me do terrible self-sacrificial shit. I didn't love myself enough to know that it's not okay for peers to treat you like shit. Eerily enough, a high school peer who I wasn't really that close to gave me the most profound advice: something to the effect of, enjoy people in your life for the time that you have them. People are like seasons. Some are around for one; others are around for a few; and the most fortunate ones are around for the long term. We easily confuse an unseasonably warm week or two for a lifetime. You can't control other people's lives; enjoy them for as long as you can, then let them go if you need to.

To be fair, some friendships can and should dissolve if they're harmful. I had a couple of male friends in grad school who made me question the nature of our relationships more than once. In hindsight, one clearly involved some unresolved, or at least undefined, sexual attraction between us; whatever the attraction was, he was an unqualified dick to others (and that says something coming from an affably profane bit of an ass that I am) who bragged about his accomplishments and minimized others, including my own. Fuck that noise. The other, who is to say? He too was a people-pleaser, but then he wanted his friends to admire him in ways that I felt unprepared to do. Suffice to say, if someone hurts you or wants you to feel inferior as a condition of friendship, cut that mother fucker off. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to make you feel like shit.

I have only recently made a good friend in a thirty-something divorced guy who was smack in the middle of a custody battle and who just happened to cross my path at a campus social function. We hit it off quickly and unexpectedly. We drink together at least once a week. He's the kind of friend where we can vent to each other about work and feel heard. He's also the kind of friend who gracefully let me apologize for writing him off; contrary to me, he comes off like a good ol' country boy, the kind that teased me relentlessly growing up. In turn, he told me that because people see us hanging out with each other all the time, they keep asking him if we're romantically involved. He denies, of course; and just when I think he's going to get tired of it (because who wants to keep doing that?), he graciously corrects and moves on.

The clincher: we're emotionally even. I simply thought of us as drinking buddies, but he thanked me for listening and being there for him when he was at his worst. Last month, he broke plans to drink and comfort me after one of my close colleagues at work had died. We also recognize how important the other person is because our local support systems are scarce -- his being worse off than mine. And ultimately, I love the dude like a little brother. Should this friendship go by the wayside (and it will someday), it will hurt. But the love experienced now is worth it.

That's what we all need: "worth it" people.

 

[223790]

@AG08 The similarities in your story and mine, and in @Rugbypup 's story and mine, and in so many of the above posters' and mine, is truly head spinning. I think there is a certain type of person (all of us) who is attracted to a certain type of other person (our bromances) and that they 'need' us but don't want to be SEEN - either by the,delves or the other prople in their lives - to need us.
I give you a huge thumbs up and a great amount of respect for giving your friend a taste of his own medicine. He clearly took for granted that you valued him far more than he valued you, and he paid the price for that. Brilliant. A bulls-eye for the team!

Thanks man. I was so messed up about this for a long time that I even questioned myself if I did the right thing. My wife wanted to elope, so when she told me this I was fine with it because there was absolutely no one I wanted in my wedding party. I have come to realize that I owed my old bromance nothing, and that he was a fucking prick for expecting anything from me. I do remember that when our wedding video was playing at the reception we had after we got home that I looked over at him, and he had a look of utter devastation on his face. He was more upset about my wife and I eloping than our families were. When we got together years ago for dinner, I wanted to broach this subject with him, but I was worried it would be too heavy a conversation to have after 8 years apart. We had a great time and seemed to pick up where we left off. We said we would see each other again shortly, so I figured I would wait until another time to discuss it. Of course that never happened after 2 years of trying to see him again. I then told him that it was up to him (after 2 years of me trying) to contact me. I gave him a full year, and after hearing nothing, I decided to remove him as a connection. He still knows how to contact me if he wants to. I don’t expect it to ever happen though. If he ever does, I want him and I to meet somewhere private to have it out face to face.

In an amazing twist of irony, the guy he humiliated me in front of at his wedding was at my wedding. This was the same guy who asked me why I wasn’t in my bromance’s wedding party. I’m sure he asked him why he wasn’t in mine. The guy had no tact, and my bromance hated him, so I’m sure that pissed him off to no end.

 

[DeclanBrent]

@AG08 One takeaway I get from your post: his loss!

 

[Saint Raphael]

@Rugbypup Again, I can empathize - truly empathize - with so much of what you're saying. A few observations I'd like to make:
- your anger is understandable and a necessary step to acceptance. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to grieve in anger, it's a crucial emotion/step
- the only way your anger will eventually fade away into acceptance is to keep your distance. Do not be the first to contact him - maintain your self-respect. I cannot emphasize how crucial it is that you are able to look yourself in the mirror and say that you didn't reach out. Not only will he interpret an olive branch as weakness, but it is in fact a very real weakness because it will drag you back to square one and undermine your self-worth.
- if he contacts you first, by all means keep up the dialogue, but you must not show any sign that you are submissive to him in any way. If you truly want to win bavk his respect and friendship, then I'm afraid your only option is to deaden your feelings for him, after the anger has subsided.
- if I've interpreted this correctly, this chap is a narcissist. That doesn't mean the friendship is doomed, but it almost certainly means the bromance is dead. It was always going to die, it was just a matter of time. But if you follow the advice I've given (which has worked brilliantly for me but may not work for everyone) and apply something called 'Gray rock' method, you are giving yourself a good chance of having a reformed, healthier friendship with this guy. Some people will say avoid a narcissist at all costs, but it is possible to have friendships with them - if you know what they're all about and what they're after.
* note, I realize my post contains generalizations and stereotypes that may not conform to most people's views, so just accept this as MY personal opinion on matters, not the holy grail.

I co-sign this entire message.

Normally I oppose absolute refusing to be the first person to reach out. More often than not, that boils down to a matter of pride which has to be sacrificed if you want to save a good thing your have with someone else. But in your case, your former bromance seems like the extractive type, and there really is no need to reach out to reestablish a connection/relationship with him for the very reasons @DeclanBrent outlined.

Take your time with your grief, but in your sober moments, think about all the time and opportunities you'll miss out on by giving energy to dead thoughts.

 

[meningreentights]

Take it slowly. These things take a long time to properly build. You gave yourself totally away to someone who didn't deserve it.
Hurting badly to have something can sometimes lead us to settle for less than what is best.
I just let things flow naturally now. If it works out, good. If it doesn't work out, a little sadness with a lot less pain.
Don't stop growing just because others are weak.

 

[Rugbypup]

Am touched by unexpected kind words. Thank you.

I should clarify, I didn't mean to make him sound like some perverse monster with the slightly kinky stuff. I'm just as to blame as I felt it was actually kinda affectionate and I didn't exactly resist or object. He's a very promiscuous hetero alpha, and I'm basically a celebrate incapable of living those kinda of life experiences. I was honored by the things he did in truth, not shamed or disgusted, it felt very masculinity intimate, hence the reason I felt bonded to him. Hence the reason it hurts like fuck to know that bond has broken.

Much about our situation doesn't feel right or make sense to be honest. I've struggled and longed for that sort of masculine company. I don't see myself being able to find it again any time soon. I'm forty and only encountered it twice now so far in life.

I'm not design for the emotional roller coaster of this shit though, it's exhausting.

 

[sdbg]

To those of you who are hurting from a lost friendship that is beyond repair, it will get easier with time. Try to be patient with yourselves and know that it is a process to heal that takes time. Keep busy with productive activities that will occupy your free time and make you feel good about yourself. Don't give the other person the satisfaction of knowing that they crippled you.

We learn things about ourselves through other people. When the give and take in a friendship becomes too lopsided, the one who gives excessively tends to eventually resent it, and bitterness sets in. We realize that the friend we love so much seems to be taking advantage of us. I look back to the times that I was insecure and wanted to fix a shaky friendship, but I knew that you can't make someone care. They either do or they don't.

3 times I dealt with disappointing friendships where I was devastated when things went sour. In retrospect, I realized that self-respect is critical. I don't want to allow myself to be needy or desperate, yet being able to detach is not always easy. The funny thing years later is that the first of the 3 guys is still a great friend 40 years later. The other 2, I laugh now remembering how hung up I was, and now I hardly think of them. I chalk it up to the learning experiences of life. Even though we never forget those individuals with whom we had a strong connection, there is truth to the saying that "time heals all wounds".

 

[halcyondays]

Interesting thread. My only caution is this: never be beta to an alpha. If you do he (or she--yes there are alpha females) will get comfortable with you in that role. When you finally stand up for yourself in the face of his abuse he'll blow his top and stay mad until you cave and return to your place as beta. Don't play their dominance games. No matter how much you need friends you don't need friends like him.

Same goes for dominance structures in families and other social groups. Get out of them.

 

[223790]

@AG08 One takeaway I get from your post: his loss!

I think he came to realize that too. The one thing that I have learned in life is that life eventually sorts people out and gives them what they ultimately deserve. I’m a firm believer in karma.

With my bromance, the guy he selected to be his best man didn’t even show up for his stag which is the best man’s responsibility. He apparently couldn’t come because his furnace was broken, and he had to wait for the repair guy. His stag was in August which is a stinking hot month where I live. I think he realized after that what a bad choice he made. I was grinning from ear to ear on the inside when he told me this the night of his stag.

With other close friends I had (not bromances though) life sorted them out too. They pulled some pretty shitty things on me which ended our friendships. One is divorced and broke supporting an ex wife and 3 kids. The last time we were in contact, he told me that his ex is making his life a living hell. He even asked me what my secret was for having a successful marriage. I told him that you have to be best friends with your partner (something that he is incapable of with anyone). Another old friend married a ball breaking stone cold bitch which has cost him all of his old friends. Another one has driven away every last friend he’s had with his asshole behaviour. Everyone got so sick of his shit that they walked away from him. I have always been a decent guy to other people, so I believe that karma has rewarded me with a great marriage, great career and wealth. I truly believe that what you put out there comes right back to you. I think that is lost on so many people in this narcissistic world we live in today.

I have had other people tell me that they think my old bromance regrets what he has done and doesn’t want to see me out of shame and guilt. I don’t know, but as I mentioned previously, I stopped holding out hope for a reconnection again. Even if we did reconnect again, it wouldn’t be the same. Too much shit has happened and too much time has passed. I wonder if that’s why he keeps checking up on me on LinkedIn. It’s like he wants to constantly know what’s happening with me without contacting me.

I am working on something big right now that I have been posting updates about on LinkedIn. If successful, it will thrust me into the public eye even more than I am now. I have enjoyed some success with it over the years, but this will be a game changer. I know where I stand with my old friends, so if I’m successful with this project, and they come running back to me after this, I will know their true intentions. When people become famous, everyone wants to be their friend again. I of course will not allow them back into my life.

 

[DeclanBrent]

@AG08 Yep, I get what you're saying. Sadly, what they don't tell us when we're kids is that friends are transitory and never permanent. If you get a lifer, you're one of the lucky few.
I wish you all the best in your business endeavour. You sound like a good guy!

 

[223790]

Thanks @DeclanBrent. You sound like a good guy too.

 

[Infernal]

Friendships grow and change, and it's rare that they last a lifetime. Sometimes when a friendship ends, it's a relief, other times it's a tragedy. Allow yourself to grieve for it, and then put it in the past where it belongs.

 

[Rugbypup]

So here I am, just over four months later and nothing much has really change between my lost bronmance and I. I feel much better about the whole thing then I did initially and while I can safely say I have been through all five stages of grief, I am now left with only resentment and an emotional wound that won't easily heal.

When I think about everything that's happened, I'm still lost for words at how disposable I was to him. Even telling him I loved him like a brother meant nothing to him... when it meant the world to me.

I try hard to not dwell on it, to forgive, forget and move on, but I often find myself still drenched in anger at being abandoned and discarded by him, after he meant so much to me and after he protested that I also meant so much to him.

Sign.

What an utter c*nt.

It's beneath me to wish harm or vengence on him, but I do hope that one day, he feels remorse for what's happened between us and that it stings like a mother f*cking son of a bitch when her realises what he's lost by not having me in his life.

I'm still so very hurt. I just wish I would heal.

 

[shard38]

It will heal, but it will always be a scar. Focus on the positives in your life and the people who do love and support you. Chances are they were a little bit alienated during your bromance. They probably gave you some warning signs that you ignored. But they are still here for you.

As for dwelling on the past; just don’t. How difficult that may be. When you find your thoughts lingering towards him just tell yourself: “No! Don’t go there”. Thoughts are just thoughts, they don’t control you.

 

[Gj816]

So here I am, just over four months later and nothing much has really change between my lost bronmance and I. I feel much better about the whole thing then I did initially and while I can safely say I have been through all five stages of grief, I am now left with only resentment and an emotional wound that won't easily heal.

When I think about everything that's happened, I'm still lost for words at how disposable I was to him. Even telling him I loved him like a brother meant nothing to him... when it meant the world to me.

I try hard to not dwell on it, to forgive, forget and move on, but I often find myself still drenched in anger at being abandoned and discarded by him, after he meant so much to me and after he protested that I also meant so much to him.

Sign.

What an utter c*nt.

It's beneath me to wish harm or vengence on him, but I do hope that one day, he feels remorse for what's happened between us and that it stings like a mother f*cking son of a bitch when her realises what he's lost by not having me in his life.

I'm still so very hurt. I just wish I would heal.

Several things come to mind.
First, it sounds like that you may have been "in love" as opposed to loving him as a friend. And that is perfectly reasonable. Secondly, you mentioned bro hugs and massages. I get the feeling that both of you were wanting more than just being friends.

Perhaps that would explain why he has refused to let you back into his life. My guess is that he's punishing you for disagreeing with him. He felt betrayed by you. Time heals all wounds

I had a bromance that went beyond bromance. When we'd have am argument it would sometimes be bitter wouldn't talk to each other sometimes for months.

 

[852838]

I was struck reading this thread. I’ve never had that “one” friend that lots of people have experienced. I’ve always had a smallish circle that was overall loyal but at times I wished I had been one of their “persons” in a platonic way (if that makes sense).

The last two years I’ve seen virtually all of my gay and straight friends pair off and go in different directions. It’s the circle of life and while I’m not alone in the cold so to speak it’s changed our group for sure.

Last night I was eating w a bud of mine and was curious if he wanted to go out afterwards just to have a few drinks and see if anyone was out. Literally the entire meal he was texting his hook up for later in the evening, some guy from Grindr.

The moral of the story is I’ve decided 80% of people are so self absorbed it’s tough for them to be good friends or partners to anyone and the ones around them are sometimes only a distraction until something better comes along. Yes I’m bitter and cynical this morning.

 

[CUBE]

So here I am, just over four months later and nothing much has really change between my lost bronmance and I. I feel much better about the whole thing then I did initially and while I can safely say I have been through all five stages of grief, I am now left with only resentment and an emotional wound that won't easily heal.

When I think about everything that's happened, I'm still lost for words at how disposable I was to him. Even telling him I loved him like a brother meant nothing to him... when it meant the world to me.

I try hard to not dwell on it, to forgive, forget and move on, but I often find myself still drenched in anger at being abandoned and discarded by him, after he meant so much to me and after he protested that I also meant so much to him.

Sign.

What an utter c*nt.

It's beneath me to wish harm or vengence on him, but I do hope that one day, he feels remorse for what's happened between us and that it stings like a mother f*cking son of a bitch when her realises what he's lost by not having me in his life.

I'm still so very hurt. I just wish I would heal.

This happened to me about 4 months ago. It’s been hell on me. I could have written what you wrote. Thanks for sharing!

 

[CUBE]

I should also add, how great would it have been if any of us worked together or lived in the same area?! We could have been buds and lurched these guys out of our lives years ago!

 

[622675]

Lots of things to consider in this thread.

A good relationship (gay, bro - straight) means we need to know how to treat the other person and they need to know how to treat us so that we both know we are cared for by the other.

Does anyone have a suggestion or a list of bonding behaviors (or measures) that might work for most people, or is this kind of thing going to be unique to every relationship?