Wow, 24 years? That’s a very long time! Mine lasted for almost 8 years until he went into the ghosting phase. Of course after blaming me for screwing up his whole life. I learned to keep my distance with the help of good friends and a new love in my life. And yet, it still hurts and sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night aching to hold him.
When The Bromance Breaks
- Thread starter Rugbypup
- Start date
Wow, 24 years? That’s a very long time! Mine lasted for almost 8 years until he went into the ghosting phase. Of course after blaming me for screwing up his whole life. I learned to keep my distance with the help of good friends and a new love in my life. And yet, it still hurts and sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night aching to hold him.
You can't win with a narcissist. The only way to have a healthy relationship with one is from a distance. If you let them back in, no matter how many promises they have made to change, the old behavior will return, and it will invariably be more insidious than it was before.
When it comes to a bromance with a narcissist - when it ends, let it be. Grieve for it, mourn it, and then move on.
I had a "relationship" with one 20 years ago. To this day I'm not sure if it was a bromance, or what. It wasn't a romantic or physical relationship, but it was without a doubt emotionally abusive towards me. There were fights, and then promises of better behavior, but it always came back to the same thing. He thought he was better than everyone. The thing with narcissists is that when you finally stand your ground, you become the bad one. They will cut you off completely because they realize they no longer have any power over you. They will blame everything bad in the relationship, or their life, on you. It's really just self-defense for a fragile ego. If you feel you have to apologize for something, then do it. One time. Sometimes the value of an apology isn't the fact that it was accepted, but the fact that you did it. Speaking the words, even if they fall on deaf ears lets you heal and move on. Once you've done that, they can stalk you all they want, but you've taken away their power, and left them in the past where they belong.
When it comes to a bromance with a narcissist - when it ends, let it be. Grieve for it, mourn it, and then move on.
I had a "relationship" with one 20 years ago. To this day I'm not sure if it was a bromance, or what. It wasn't a romantic or physical relationship, but it was without a doubt emotionally abusive towards me. There were fights, and then promises of better behavior, but it always came back to the same thing. He thought he was better than everyone. The thing with narcissists is that when you finally stand your ground, you become the bad one. They will cut you off completely because they realize they no longer have any power over you. They will blame everything bad in the relationship, or their life, on you. It's really just self-defense for a fragile ego. If you feel you have to apologize for something, then do it. One time. Sometimes the value of an apology isn't the fact that it was accepted, but the fact that you did it. Speaking the words, even if they fall on deaf ears lets you heal and move on. Once you've done that, they can stalk you all they want, but you've taken away their power, and left them in the past where they belong.
I had forgotten about this thread until someone liked one of my posts on it.
Update: I'm still getting weekly anonymous views on my LI profile. I don't know if I should be flattered or frightened to be honest. I also found out recently that his wife is now going by her maiden name which confirms for me what I initially suspected that their marriage was on the rocks when we met up. I also found out that they had put their house up for sale which was surprising because I knew they had it completely gutted and redone from the last time we met up and went into massive debt to do it. I would imagine they are dividing their assets. He has also removed all references to his wife online. Karma is real.
For others going through dealing with a narcissist orbiting them, there is a great support group for victims of narcissism on Quora. Wishing all of you peace and healing.
Update: I'm still getting weekly anonymous views on my LI profile. I don't know if I should be flattered or frightened to be honest. I also found out recently that his wife is now going by her maiden name which confirms for me what I initially suspected that their marriage was on the rocks when we met up. I also found out that they had put their house up for sale which was surprising because I knew they had it completely gutted and redone from the last time we met up and went into massive debt to do it. I would imagine they are dividing their assets. He has also removed all references to his wife online. Karma is real.
For others going through dealing with a narcissist orbiting them, there is a great support group for victims of narcissism on Quora. Wishing all of you peace and healing.
I forgot to mention that I tagged my wife in a post a couple of years ago on LinkedIn. Since then she has been getting regular anonymous views. She is very inactive on LinkedIn and hardly ever had her profile viewed before I tagged her. She never received any anonymous views until I tagged her. I can’t help but wonder if it’s him. I’m pretty sure it is. Again, I don’t know whether to be flattered or frightened. It’s very odd behaviour to a normal person, but to a narcissist it is common according to Quora.
Peace
MisterEy
Cherished Member
Hey thank you for this post, very much like everyone said, the moment you stand your ground against a Narcissist they cut you off and blame everything on you. This is exactly what happened and it does hurt terribly, it hasn’t even been a year yet since we last fought and I haven’t seen him since and I still think about it. It would be a lot easier for me to give up on it but I can tell he is kissing my other friends’ ass and all of them are acting like the situation never happened, so he wins. I hate that I had to put hands on him but I’m glad I did not let this person beat me without going untouched
There is so much truth to this, and I can totally relate.
For me, it was a best friend and not a bromance relationship. I moved away, and the controlling, manipulating behavior that he used to channel towards other people (which I knew about, accepted, and brushed off) started to be aimed at me. A cycle started, like you described, and it took monumental effort to pull out of that gravity well. To move on, to maintain my mental health, I had to treat it like a death.
The one thing I truly believe in is karma, so your friend may have won for now, but it will come back to bite him in the ass. If he treated you like shit, I can pretty much guarantee you that he is doing the same thing to other people especially if he has narcissist personality disorder. They will tire of his crap and walk away. Then they will understand what you went through with him.
When you said that you had to put hands on him, do you mean that you got into a fist fight? It never got violent with my bromance and I. The only pain experienced and inflicted on each other was emotional.
EagleCowboy
Loved Member
I didn't have a bromance with one, but I did work with one who is pathologically narcissistic. It was horrible! None of us liked him even though we kept it professional and were nice. At the end of the day, it was ALL about him at the expense of everyone else.
You literally become one of the satellites that circle them. If they need you, they pull you in close for a while. When they are done, you are either still useful and become a satellite again, or are dismissed. And, if you are dismissed, all previous loyalties are off, and they do to you what they do to everyone else that serves them no purpose.
There is a monstrous difference between a friendship and a bromance. I've had more guy friends come and go from my life than I can count, and I don't give them a second thought. I've only ever had one bromance in my life, who was unbeknownst to me at the time, a raging narcissist. Those of us that have experienced it wish more than anything we could get over it and move on. It's like mourning the death of someone close to you. The person you thought you knew and loved is gone forever, so you never get over it. It's easier said than done. I wish more than anything I had never met my old bromance. It would have saved me a lot of pain, anger, heartache and tears. If you have never ever experienced narcissistic abuse from someone you cared for and loved deeply, consider yourself extremely lucky.
Bromance perfectly defined on www.urbandictionary.com:
Bromance
Bromance is the combination of two words, "brother" and "romance". It describes the unique male bonding found between "brothers from another mother". This is between heterosexual males and no matter what is never seen as a gay relationship, though it may be joked about.
^^ Truth.
I cut that cord, yet kept going back. Cut it again, yet went back again because of our ties. I keep saying, "Never again." and tell myself I am worth more than that, while being absolutely honest about -what- the other person is, what he has done, and what he did to me (and others).
I don't make promises to myself that I will never agree to meet with him. I just keep reminding myself that I am better, that he will always be the same no matter what because he is utterly broken and without redemption as a person, and then see where it goes the next time I take a trip to the area where he lives. Problem is, for me, I am friends with his family. Although they know he is a fucked up cancerous piece of shit that uses and manipulates everyone around him, there are obviously awesome qualities that made everyone be his best friend and lover at some point.
So, yeah, it's not easy to forget and move on. Not at all.
I read through the thread (as i have my own bromance woes) but wanted to offer some perspective. I believe in the law of attraction in the sense that our relationships are a reflection of ourselves in a way. This is not to suggest that anyone deserved to be mistreated, but rather believed that the mistreatment was appropriate at the time. A few posters already gave experiences where they felt the relationship was one sided but let it continue until they reached their boiling point which led to the fallout.
Letting go is the best thing to do. It's not about forgetting or condoning their worst behaviors. It's just a reminder that their behavior showed you what you really wanted. An asshole friend is confirmation that you want a loving friend. Their behavior has everything to do with them but your reaction has everything to do with YOU! Hanging on to the more toxic attributes of your ex bromance keeps you trapped there, no matter how justified. It's better to focus more on their best attributes and believe that there's someone out there just like that but better.
Letting go is the best thing to do. It's not about forgetting or condoning their worst behaviors. It's just a reminder that their behavior showed you what you really wanted. An asshole friend is confirmation that you want a loving friend. Their behavior has everything to do with them but your reaction has everything to do with YOU! Hanging on to the more toxic attributes of your ex bromance keeps you trapped there, no matter how justified. It's better to focus more on their best attributes and believe that there's someone out there just like that but better.
MisterEy
Cherished Member
Yes we would go out and drink, then only when drunk he would come up with bullcrap arguments and start getting riled up when people debated him, then when I would say something he would point all focus and backlash on me. It got to the point where he would punch at me and say hurtful shit racial slurs out the blue. This would happen CONSISTENTLY before it was time to leave wherever we were hanging out at, and legitimately only when it was time for us to leave.
EagleCowboy
Loved Member
Well he could start a bromance with me! I'm available without that emotional-black-hole-life-sucking kind of baggage! 
I saw this on Quora today. It describes very accurately the stages I went through with my bromance when it ended. I have no doubt now that I was dealing with a raging narcissist. Can anyone else relate to this?
What does detox from a narcissist look like?
Stage 1: YOU ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. You don’t believe the relationship is over, at all. This is just some weird thing that happened. It’s a fight. It’s a hiccup. You are in the sorting it out phase, trying to make sense of it all. You feel abandoned, blind-sided, confused, depressed, possibly panic attacks, disorientation, exhausted, wondering what happened. You replay everything in your mind, each situation that lead up to the Narc walking out the door, hanging on every word that was said, wondering what you did and said wrong to make him/her leave. You think of things you should've said, should've done for a different outcome. You keep at the Narc, texting, calling, trying to seek out answers and explanations for their behavior, so you can look the other way. You want them to ask for your forgiveness and say they won’t do it again so that you can go back to them for the “love” you once knew that was so addicting.
Stage 2: YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THE NARC TO COME BACK. YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IT’S OVER. You are still trying to get the relationship back on track. You are trying to get the Narc to come back into the confines of the relationship. You are starting to get fearful that you won’t get the relationship back and panic is setting in, but you push this thought out of your mind. You feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your life. You talk to your friends, to your co-workers, to anyone who will listen. You seek out advice. You are going crazy and need answers, you need told what to do. You can’t make decisions. You can barely cope. You need some resemblence of normality to return. You feel sick, physically ill. You feel short of breath, and like you’re suffocating. You feel like you’re literally going insane. You are getting worse, not better. You feel you may be dying.
You may have high blood pressure and chronic crying episodes which last for hours. The only relief you get, and it’s small, is when you’re talking about what the Narc did to you and you’re asking for advice. No one fully understands and they won’t have answers for you. It leaves you with zero closure or answers which always loop back to you reviewing past scenarios of what was said and what was done. You will long for answers, and you feel you must have them or you can’t cope. You desperately need someone to tell you what happened and why. You need validation. You need to hear it wasn’t your fault. Your world is caving in. Your head hurts. You can’t make sense of anything, maybe the Narc was right. It is you. You are the problem. This drives you further into your over-thinking, over-feeling, distraught self. You stay in your mind. You can’t engage with the outside world. You may huddle up in a fetal position. You may stay in bed most of the day. You can’t leave the house. You can’t act normal. You feel everyone can see into your mind, your thoughts, your emotions. You are exposed. You are on display for everyone to see what a f*ck-up you are. How did this happen? How did I get here? What went wrong? Why did I have to screw it all up? What was the final camel’s straw that broke my Narc’s back? You only care about them. You only care about what went wrong and how to fix it. How to get back in his/her good graces. How to make him go back to the previous person who was funny, charming, witty, fun, nice and so sweet. Where is that guy?
Stage 3: YOU REALIZE IT’S OVER. Your Narc isn’t coming back no matter what you say or do. The Narc has not only left you, but is now acting normal in his/her own life, non-emotional, very together. He even seems happier now that you’re not in his life. It’s a relief to him! What??? How can this make sense? You thought your relationship was working, you were trying so hard, giving it your all. It’s like nothing happened as far as they are concerned. They never cried. They never reacted. They never mourned the loss of you. They never displayed any sympathy for what you’re going through. You keep trying to get closure, but it doesn’t exist. They are acting mean to you, you’re annoying them now. It’s like they are glad you’re not in their life, and this is obvious by the way they have never mourned you and are now happier without you.
Wow! You really must have been a nuisance to them! You were worse than you thought. You were a problem. You were a bad person. They must have been sick of you for a long time! This had been coming on. They’ve already gotten over you DURING the relationship! How did you not see it? How did you not know you were screwing up so badly? For them to not care, you really must be a terrible person. Just being in your presence now, they are tolerating you, but just barely. Any minute, if you say the wrong thing, if you accuse them of anything, they will walk out the door. Then you really won’t get answers. You really can’t do right. You really won’t get closure.
If you bitch too much, or act too badly, or too depressed, or too needy, crying, crazy, or too pushy trying to find out what you did wrong, they will leave, and possibly NEVER COME BACK. NO! You can’t bear that. You know you will need to talk to them over and over to get answers and to work it all out in your mind. You can’t even think of all the things you need to ask them, so you need to be able to see them tomorrow. And the next day. You need conversations. You need to look in their eyes for a sign of the love you once knew. Maybe it is still there. Maybe there is hope. Maybe he just needs a breather. Maybe he will come back to you later. You look for signs of him missing you. Being sorry. Realizing you were great. Realizing he can’t live without you. You DESPERATELY NEED THEM NOW MORE THAN EVER. You cannot push them away further! OMG, it’s me! OMG, how do I live with myself that 1. I am such a screw up and I didn’t know, and #2. Now I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t get him back! OH NO. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????
Stage 4: RESEARCH & OBSESSION. You know you’ve exhausted all your friends and anyone who will listen. You can’t keep playing the victim card much longer. You can tell they are starting to think you’re crazy. You rehash the same stories over and over. It’s no good. It’s exhausting. They are tired of your negative energy. They have answers you don’t like. One minute you are saying your ex is wrong, irrational, it’s his fault, and the next minute you miss him and love him so much and can’t live without him. How much of this can your friends take? Not much, you know. You are crazy after all. You know they are just lying when they side with you. They are just trying to make you feel better. This is obvious by their long pauses of silence and by their lack of input. “I just don’t know what to say.” Yeah, neither do I. There are no answers. Now you take to the web. You hit You Tube for hours and hours every day. You go to therapy. You read books. You are obsessed, spending as many hours every day as you possibly can. You don’t leave the house unless you have to. Your emotions are all over the board between crying, anger, blaming him and then blaming yourself. Nothing makes sense. This phase can last years, especially if you do not go no contact.
Stage 5: THE NEW NORMAL. You are starting to go longer without wild mood swings. Your mood is stable. You are armed with lots of knowledge about who and what a Narc is. If you’re lucky, you didn’t go back to him/her now that they have surely started hoovering, now that you’re better and more “likable” again. In reality, their new supply is drying up so they hope you have rebuilt yourself and replenished your stash so they can hit you up for some fresh supply. Will you succumb? That depends on how well you healed! You may or may not go back at this point.
Stage 6: HEALING IS NEARLY COMPLETE. If you did go back, the cycle starts over back before Stage 1, but it will be coming soon. If you did not, you most likely feel alone. Empty. Healed mostly, but there is a deep, profound sadness, loss, and a big black hole, an abyss inside you. You’re done with therapy. It’s done all it can for you. It was helpful, but didn’t finish healing you. It’s hard to believe people are really like that.You’ve lost faith in people and in society. You know there are good people out there, but finding them is hard, and possibly takes too much energy. Plus, you’re still vulnerable and the wounds haven't quite healed completely. It’s so hard to accept that a Narc can fool you like he did.
You build your shield of armor. You have cut off most of the Narcs in your life, at least all the ones you can identify. You keep your distance from the ones you aren’t sure about. You keep your distance from friends. You don't want them to know you’re still messed up somewhat, not fully healed. It’s embarrassing. You’ve discovered Narcs seem attracted to you and so you probably have several in your life. This adds to your aloneness, having to avoid them. Some days you just don’t have it in you. It feels like life is in slow-mo. It feels like nothing is worth it, although you aren’t suicidal. You’re numb. You’re void. You’re living just coping. You no longer have much joy, definitely not the highs you had while around the Narc.
Like a drug addict, you can’t go back to the drug, not even a nibble, if you want to survive. You also can’t hang around the other users. You have to cut all ties and links. All bonds. If you go to the same hangouts, you will miss your drug. Better to just stay away. You feel safe at home, so you stay there a lot. In public, occasionally you might start crying or at least tear up. You don’t want to talk about it in public. Wow. Your life was so intertwined with this last relationship. How did this happen? You don’t know who you are. It’s hard to make decisions. The old activities and hobbies no longer appeal to you. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize you. You might change your hair color, or cut your hair, or buy new clothes. Something to signify who you are now. You aren’t quite sure what is right and wrong for you. You may find new found religion or lean on God at this point. God seems to be the only answer, the only thing that can help you. Normal people cannot. You can barely help yourself, and you’re all you’ve got.
Stage 7: YOU ARISE AND STEP INTO YOUR INNER TRUTH. YOUR TRUE SELF. YOU FOUND YOU. I don’t know what this stage looks like. I’ve only made it to Stage 6. Nearing the end of Stage 6, but nonetheless still there.
I do see glimpses of Stage 7. It reaches out to me like rays of sunshine. I see projections of what I hope it will be. What I believe it will be.
Stage 7 involves me taking up a new hobby and I love it. You know, that passion that I always had, all my life, but I never did it, because it seemed too silly / I was too old / it was too hard / I didn’t have enough time / it didn’t matter / there was work and kids and I always put myself last. You know, that one. I find out things about myself that are amazing. Who knew I was so strong? Who knew I was so empowered? Who knew no matter what happened in my life, I could still love? Who knew I was such an amazing person? Who knew I could help others by my stories, to help pull them out of their own hell and onto their next stage?
Who knew I was lost all my life, and now I’m found? Who knew I was one of the lucky ones who got discarded? It sure didn’t seem like a good thing at the time, but we always rise up from the muck. We don’t accomplish great things by living a peaceful life. Like MLK said, “I have a dream.” People don’t dream unless they are wrestling around in the mud with the pigs. You must overcome, and you need something to overcome from. Who knew I could reach deep inside me and save myself? Well, I know. I know all these things. And so, now I can thank my Narc. I can thank him for dragging me into the mud. For without losing myself in him, I never would have risen to find myself. And that, my friend would be the greatest tragedy of all.
What does detox from a narcissist look like?
Stage 1: YOU ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. You don’t believe the relationship is over, at all. This is just some weird thing that happened. It’s a fight. It’s a hiccup. You are in the sorting it out phase, trying to make sense of it all. You feel abandoned, blind-sided, confused, depressed, possibly panic attacks, disorientation, exhausted, wondering what happened. You replay everything in your mind, each situation that lead up to the Narc walking out the door, hanging on every word that was said, wondering what you did and said wrong to make him/her leave. You think of things you should've said, should've done for a different outcome. You keep at the Narc, texting, calling, trying to seek out answers and explanations for their behavior, so you can look the other way. You want them to ask for your forgiveness and say they won’t do it again so that you can go back to them for the “love” you once knew that was so addicting.
Stage 2: YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THE NARC TO COME BACK. YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IT’S OVER. You are still trying to get the relationship back on track. You are trying to get the Narc to come back into the confines of the relationship. You are starting to get fearful that you won’t get the relationship back and panic is setting in, but you push this thought out of your mind. You feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your life. You talk to your friends, to your co-workers, to anyone who will listen. You seek out advice. You are going crazy and need answers, you need told what to do. You can’t make decisions. You can barely cope. You need some resemblence of normality to return. You feel sick, physically ill. You feel short of breath, and like you’re suffocating. You feel like you’re literally going insane. You are getting worse, not better. You feel you may be dying.
You may have high blood pressure and chronic crying episodes which last for hours. The only relief you get, and it’s small, is when you’re talking about what the Narc did to you and you’re asking for advice. No one fully understands and they won’t have answers for you. It leaves you with zero closure or answers which always loop back to you reviewing past scenarios of what was said and what was done. You will long for answers, and you feel you must have them or you can’t cope. You desperately need someone to tell you what happened and why. You need validation. You need to hear it wasn’t your fault. Your world is caving in. Your head hurts. You can’t make sense of anything, maybe the Narc was right. It is you. You are the problem. This drives you further into your over-thinking, over-feeling, distraught self. You stay in your mind. You can’t engage with the outside world. You may huddle up in a fetal position. You may stay in bed most of the day. You can’t leave the house. You can’t act normal. You feel everyone can see into your mind, your thoughts, your emotions. You are exposed. You are on display for everyone to see what a f*ck-up you are. How did this happen? How did I get here? What went wrong? Why did I have to screw it all up? What was the final camel’s straw that broke my Narc’s back? You only care about them. You only care about what went wrong and how to fix it. How to get back in his/her good graces. How to make him go back to the previous person who was funny, charming, witty, fun, nice and so sweet. Where is that guy?
Stage 3: YOU REALIZE IT’S OVER. Your Narc isn’t coming back no matter what you say or do. The Narc has not only left you, but is now acting normal in his/her own life, non-emotional, very together. He even seems happier now that you’re not in his life. It’s a relief to him! What??? How can this make sense? You thought your relationship was working, you were trying so hard, giving it your all. It’s like nothing happened as far as they are concerned. They never cried. They never reacted. They never mourned the loss of you. They never displayed any sympathy for what you’re going through. You keep trying to get closure, but it doesn’t exist. They are acting mean to you, you’re annoying them now. It’s like they are glad you’re not in their life, and this is obvious by the way they have never mourned you and are now happier without you.
Wow! You really must have been a nuisance to them! You were worse than you thought. You were a problem. You were a bad person. They must have been sick of you for a long time! This had been coming on. They’ve already gotten over you DURING the relationship! How did you not see it? How did you not know you were screwing up so badly? For them to not care, you really must be a terrible person. Just being in your presence now, they are tolerating you, but just barely. Any minute, if you say the wrong thing, if you accuse them of anything, they will walk out the door. Then you really won’t get answers. You really can’t do right. You really won’t get closure.
If you bitch too much, or act too badly, or too depressed, or too needy, crying, crazy, or too pushy trying to find out what you did wrong, they will leave, and possibly NEVER COME BACK. NO! You can’t bear that. You know you will need to talk to them over and over to get answers and to work it all out in your mind. You can’t even think of all the things you need to ask them, so you need to be able to see them tomorrow. And the next day. You need conversations. You need to look in their eyes for a sign of the love you once knew. Maybe it is still there. Maybe there is hope. Maybe he just needs a breather. Maybe he will come back to you later. You look for signs of him missing you. Being sorry. Realizing you were great. Realizing he can’t live without you. You DESPERATELY NEED THEM NOW MORE THAN EVER. You cannot push them away further! OMG, it’s me! OMG, how do I live with myself that 1. I am such a screw up and I didn’t know, and #2. Now I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t get him back! OH NO. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????
Stage 4: RESEARCH & OBSESSION. You know you’ve exhausted all your friends and anyone who will listen. You can’t keep playing the victim card much longer. You can tell they are starting to think you’re crazy. You rehash the same stories over and over. It’s no good. It’s exhausting. They are tired of your negative energy. They have answers you don’t like. One minute you are saying your ex is wrong, irrational, it’s his fault, and the next minute you miss him and love him so much and can’t live without him. How much of this can your friends take? Not much, you know. You are crazy after all. You know they are just lying when they side with you. They are just trying to make you feel better. This is obvious by their long pauses of silence and by their lack of input. “I just don’t know what to say.” Yeah, neither do I. There are no answers. Now you take to the web. You hit You Tube for hours and hours every day. You go to therapy. You read books. You are obsessed, spending as many hours every day as you possibly can. You don’t leave the house unless you have to. Your emotions are all over the board between crying, anger, blaming him and then blaming yourself. Nothing makes sense. This phase can last years, especially if you do not go no contact.
Stage 5: THE NEW NORMAL. You are starting to go longer without wild mood swings. Your mood is stable. You are armed with lots of knowledge about who and what a Narc is. If you’re lucky, you didn’t go back to him/her now that they have surely started hoovering, now that you’re better and more “likable” again. In reality, their new supply is drying up so they hope you have rebuilt yourself and replenished your stash so they can hit you up for some fresh supply. Will you succumb? That depends on how well you healed! You may or may not go back at this point.
Stage 6: HEALING IS NEARLY COMPLETE. If you did go back, the cycle starts over back before Stage 1, but it will be coming soon. If you did not, you most likely feel alone. Empty. Healed mostly, but there is a deep, profound sadness, loss, and a big black hole, an abyss inside you. You’re done with therapy. It’s done all it can for you. It was helpful, but didn’t finish healing you. It’s hard to believe people are really like that.You’ve lost faith in people and in society. You know there are good people out there, but finding them is hard, and possibly takes too much energy. Plus, you’re still vulnerable and the wounds haven't quite healed completely. It’s so hard to accept that a Narc can fool you like he did.
You build your shield of armor. You have cut off most of the Narcs in your life, at least all the ones you can identify. You keep your distance from the ones you aren’t sure about. You keep your distance from friends. You don't want them to know you’re still messed up somewhat, not fully healed. It’s embarrassing. You’ve discovered Narcs seem attracted to you and so you probably have several in your life. This adds to your aloneness, having to avoid them. Some days you just don’t have it in you. It feels like life is in slow-mo. It feels like nothing is worth it, although you aren’t suicidal. You’re numb. You’re void. You’re living just coping. You no longer have much joy, definitely not the highs you had while around the Narc.
Like a drug addict, you can’t go back to the drug, not even a nibble, if you want to survive. You also can’t hang around the other users. You have to cut all ties and links. All bonds. If you go to the same hangouts, you will miss your drug. Better to just stay away. You feel safe at home, so you stay there a lot. In public, occasionally you might start crying or at least tear up. You don’t want to talk about it in public. Wow. Your life was so intertwined with this last relationship. How did this happen? You don’t know who you are. It’s hard to make decisions. The old activities and hobbies no longer appeal to you. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize you. You might change your hair color, or cut your hair, or buy new clothes. Something to signify who you are now. You aren’t quite sure what is right and wrong for you. You may find new found religion or lean on God at this point. God seems to be the only answer, the only thing that can help you. Normal people cannot. You can barely help yourself, and you’re all you’ve got.
Stage 7: YOU ARISE AND STEP INTO YOUR INNER TRUTH. YOUR TRUE SELF. YOU FOUND YOU. I don’t know what this stage looks like. I’ve only made it to Stage 6. Nearing the end of Stage 6, but nonetheless still there.
I do see glimpses of Stage 7. It reaches out to me like rays of sunshine. I see projections of what I hope it will be. What I believe it will be.
Stage 7 involves me taking up a new hobby and I love it. You know, that passion that I always had, all my life, but I never did it, because it seemed too silly / I was too old / it was too hard / I didn’t have enough time / it didn’t matter / there was work and kids and I always put myself last. You know, that one. I find out things about myself that are amazing. Who knew I was so strong? Who knew I was so empowered? Who knew no matter what happened in my life, I could still love? Who knew I was such an amazing person? Who knew I could help others by my stories, to help pull them out of their own hell and onto their next stage?
Who knew I was lost all my life, and now I’m found? Who knew I was one of the lucky ones who got discarded? It sure didn’t seem like a good thing at the time, but we always rise up from the muck. We don’t accomplish great things by living a peaceful life. Like MLK said, “I have a dream.” People don’t dream unless they are wrestling around in the mud with the pigs. You must overcome, and you need something to overcome from. Who knew I could reach deep inside me and save myself? Well, I know. I know all these things. And so, now I can thank my Narc. I can thank him for dragging me into the mud. For without losing myself in him, I never would have risen to find myself. And that, my friend would be the greatest tragedy of all.
MisterEy
Cherished Member
Yep I turned this into weightlifting LOL. I am definitely in the later stages, I have went through the phase of denial and seeking peers for closure since my abuser never gave me such and honestly I feel like 1-5 100% are accurate. Although I did feel some guilt for the whole situation although none of it was my fault I didn’t necessarily beat myself up over it which I’m glad about.
HorseHung40's
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Let me start by saying that I am sorry for the sense of loss and disappointment that you are feeling. I would like to thank you for expressing something so complex with elegance and brevity.
Let me also thank those, who have offered their experiences.
The balance of my post is being said in a balanced and matter-of-fact manner, not to hurt you, rather to express my initial thoughts, when I read your post.
1.) Friendships are not equal - One will always invest more emotion into a friendship than the other. A balanced and strong friendship can shift from one party giving less at some times and more at other times. This friendship seemed to be lopsided from the start.
2.) The other party did not perceive your assistance as an act of friendship - I sense that he perceived this your work as greatly appreciated help, but, lacked the view of this help as a gesture of true friendship.
3.) A view of subservience on your part - You made reference to his "true alpha nature" and that you "would have done pretty much anything that he'd asked of you". I sense an element of hero worship here. Your superman was felled by his kryptonite: a difference of opinion. Strong friendship endure differences of opinion.
4.) He is a narcissist - Your friendship was fine as long as you agreed with all of his opinions. The fact that he could not tolerate a difference of opinion means that he is insecure, and, requires validation.
Let me also thank those, who have offered their experiences.
The balance of my post is being said in a balanced and matter-of-fact manner, not to hurt you, rather to express my initial thoughts, when I read your post.
1.) Friendships are not equal - One will always invest more emotion into a friendship than the other. A balanced and strong friendship can shift from one party giving less at some times and more at other times. This friendship seemed to be lopsided from the start.
2.) The other party did not perceive your assistance as an act of friendship - I sense that he perceived this your work as greatly appreciated help, but, lacked the view of this help as a gesture of true friendship.
3.) A view of subservience on your part - You made reference to his "true alpha nature" and that you "would have done pretty much anything that he'd asked of you". I sense an element of hero worship here. Your superman was felled by his kryptonite: a difference of opinion. Strong friendship endure differences of opinion.
4.) He is a narcissist - Your friendship was fine as long as you agreed with all of his opinions. The fact that he could not tolerate a difference of opinion means that he is insecure, and, requires validation.
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This is all so sad. Though I’d like to thank everyone for their posts, it’s truely heart warming to know I’m not alone in this experience. Hearing other men talk openly about the loss or break up of a bromance is very reassuring. Though I’m equally sorry for your losses. I’m also glad to see men having encountered a narcissist for the first time too and their experiences with them.
To update my story would take too long. In short, I spent a year dragging myself with varying degrees or submission and defiance across broken glass, to mean anything to my lost bromance. I even thought we had reconciled and begun to heal, but the abuse and mistreatment just seemed so obvious, very much once you see it, you can’t unsee it. So, 6 months ago, I wished him happy birthday and wrote him off and out of my life. He said thanked me for the well wishes, and never contacted me again.
He proved beyond a shadow of any doubt, he neither wanted me in his life, nor wanted to be in mine, despite his poisoned platitudes of closeness and meaning. It was always just manipulations and lies.
You see, I learned he was classic a narcissist. That I never had value past what he could use me for or take from me. This has been one of life’s hardest and most emotionally painfully lessons so far.
Im glad he’s gone. I still mourn for the loss, and my heart still pines for him sometimes, I loved him, but I’ll never go back.
He threw me away. Willingly, purposely and without remorse or so much as second thought.
Never again.
I’d rather be alone a thousand lifetimes then ever have a bromance or friend like him in my life again.
To update my story would take too long. In short, I spent a year dragging myself with varying degrees or submission and defiance across broken glass, to mean anything to my lost bromance. I even thought we had reconciled and begun to heal, but the abuse and mistreatment just seemed so obvious, very much once you see it, you can’t unsee it. So, 6 months ago, I wished him happy birthday and wrote him off and out of my life. He said thanked me for the well wishes, and never contacted me again.
He proved beyond a shadow of any doubt, he neither wanted me in his life, nor wanted to be in mine, despite his poisoned platitudes of closeness and meaning. It was always just manipulations and lies.
You see, I learned he was classic a narcissist. That I never had value past what he could use me for or take from me. This has been one of life’s hardest and most emotionally painfully lessons so far.
Im glad he’s gone. I still mourn for the loss, and my heart still pines for him sometimes, I loved him, but I’ll never go back.
He threw me away. Willingly, purposely and without remorse or so much as second thought.
Never again.
I’d rather be alone a thousand lifetimes then ever have a bromance or friend like him in my life again.
EagleCowboy
Loved Member
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