I saw this on Quora today. It describes very accurately the stages I went through with my bromance when it ended. I have no doubt now that I was dealing with a raging narcissist. Can anyone else relate to this?
What does detox from a narcissist look like?
Stage 1: YOU ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. You don’t believe the relationship is over, at all. This is just some weird thing that happened. It’s a fight. It’s a hiccup. You are in the sorting it out phase, trying to make sense of it all. You feel abandoned, blind-sided, confused, depressed, possibly panic attacks, disorientation, exhausted, wondering what happened. You replay everything in your mind, each situation that lead up to the Narc walking out the door, hanging on every word that was said, wondering what you did and said wrong to make him/her leave. You think of things you should've said, should've done for a different outcome. You keep at the Narc, texting, calling, trying to seek out answers and explanations for their behavior, so you can look the other way. You want them to ask for your forgiveness and say they won’t do it again so that you can go back to them for the “love” you once knew that was so addicting.
Stage 2: YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THE NARC TO COME BACK. YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IT’S OVER. You are still trying to get the relationship back on track. You are trying to get the Narc to come back into the confines of the relationship. You are starting to get fearful that you won’t get the relationship back and panic is setting in, but you push this thought out of your mind. You feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your life. You talk to your friends, to your co-workers, to anyone who will listen. You seek out advice. You are going crazy and need answers, you need told what to do. You can’t make decisions. You can barely cope. You need some resemblence of normality to return. You feel sick, physically ill. You feel short of breath, and like you’re suffocating. You feel like you’re literally going insane. You are getting worse, not better. You feel you may be dying.
You may have high blood pressure and chronic crying episodes which last for hours. The only relief you get, and it’s small, is when you’re talking about what the Narc did to you and you’re asking for advice. No one fully understands and they won’t have answers for you. It leaves you with zero closure or answers which always loop back to you reviewing past scenarios of what was said and what was done. You will long for answers, and you feel you must have them or you can’t cope. You desperately need someone to tell you what happened and why. You need validation. You need to hear it wasn’t your fault. Your world is caving in. Your head hurts. You can’t make sense of anything, maybe the Narc was right. It is you. You are the problem. This drives you further into your over-thinking, over-feeling, distraught self. You stay in your mind. You can’t engage with the outside world. You may huddle up in a fetal position. You may stay in bed most of the day. You can’t leave the house. You can’t act normal. You feel everyone can see into your mind, your thoughts, your emotions. You are exposed. You are on display for everyone to see what a f*ck-up you are. How did this happen? How did I get here? What went wrong? Why did I have to screw it all up? What was the final camel’s straw that broke my Narc’s back? You only care about them. You only care about what went wrong and how to fix it. How to get back in his/her good graces. How to make him go back to the previous person who was funny, charming, witty, fun, nice and so sweet. Where is that guy?
Stage 3: YOU REALIZE IT’S OVER. Your Narc isn’t coming back no matter what you say or do. The Narc has not only left you, but is now acting normal in his/her own life, non-emotional, very together. He even seems happier now that you’re not in his life. It’s a relief to him! What??? How can this make sense? You thought your relationship was working, you were trying so hard, giving it your all. It’s like nothing happened as far as they are concerned. They never cried. They never reacted. They never mourned the loss of you. They never displayed any sympathy for what you’re going through. You keep trying to get closure, but it doesn’t exist. They are acting mean to you, you’re annoying them now. It’s like they are glad you’re not in their life, and this is obvious by the way they have never mourned you and are now happier without you.
Wow! You really must have been a nuisance to them! You were worse than you thought. You were a problem. You were a bad person. They must have been sick of you for a long time! This had been coming on. They’ve already gotten over you DURING the relationship! How did you not see it? How did you not know you were screwing up so badly? For them to not care, you really must be a terrible person. Just being in your presence now, they are tolerating you, but just barely. Any minute, if you say the wrong thing, if you accuse them of anything, they will walk out the door. Then you really won’t get answers. You really can’t do right. You really won’t get closure.
If you bitch too much, or act too badly, or too depressed, or too needy, crying, crazy, or too pushy trying to find out what you did wrong, they will leave, and possibly NEVER COME BACK. NO! You can’t bear that. You know you will need to talk to them over and over to get answers and to work it all out in your mind. You can’t even think of all the things you need to ask them, so you need to be able to see them tomorrow. And the next day. You need conversations. You need to look in their eyes for a sign of the love you once knew. Maybe it is still there. Maybe there is hope. Maybe he just needs a breather. Maybe he will come back to you later. You look for signs of him missing you. Being sorry. Realizing you were great. Realizing he can’t live without you. You DESPERATELY NEED THEM NOW MORE THAN EVER. You cannot push them away further! OMG, it’s me! OMG, how do I live with myself that 1. I am such a screw up and I didn’t know, and #2. Now I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t get him back! OH NO. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????
Stage 4: RESEARCH & OBSESSION. You know you’ve exhausted all your friends and anyone who will listen. You can’t keep playing the victim card much longer. You can tell they are starting to think you’re crazy. You rehash the same stories over and over. It’s no good. It’s exhausting. They are tired of your negative energy. They have answers you don’t like. One minute you are saying your ex is wrong, irrational, it’s his fault, and the next minute you miss him and love him so much and can’t live without him. How much of this can your friends take? Not much, you know. You are crazy after all. You know they are just lying when they side with you. They are just trying to make you feel better. This is obvious by their long pauses of silence and by their lack of input. “I just don’t know what to say.” Yeah, neither do I. There are no answers. Now you take to the web. You hit You Tube for hours and hours every day. You go to therapy. You read books. You are obsessed, spending as many hours every day as you possibly can. You don’t leave the house unless you have to. Your emotions are all over the board between crying, anger, blaming him and then blaming yourself. Nothing makes sense. This phase can last years, especially if you do not go no contact.
Stage 5: THE NEW NORMAL. You are starting to go longer without wild mood swings. Your mood is stable. You are armed with lots of knowledge about who and what a Narc is. If you’re lucky, you didn’t go back to him/her now that they have surely started hoovering, now that you’re better and more “likable” again. In reality, their new supply is drying up so they hope you have rebuilt yourself and replenished your stash so they can hit you up for some fresh supply. Will you succumb? That depends on how well you healed! You may or may not go back at this point.
Stage 6: HEALING IS NEARLY COMPLETE. If you did go back, the cycle starts over back before Stage 1, but it will be coming soon. If you did not, you most likely feel alone. Empty. Healed mostly, but there is a deep, profound sadness, loss, and a big black hole, an abyss inside you. You’re done with therapy. It’s done all it can for you. It was helpful, but didn’t finish healing you. It’s hard to believe people are really like that.You’ve lost faith in people and in society. You know there are good people out there, but finding them is hard, and possibly takes too much energy. Plus, you’re still vulnerable and the wounds haven't quite healed completely. It’s so hard to accept that a Narc can fool you like he did.
You build your shield of armor. You have cut off most of the Narcs in your life, at least all the ones you can identify. You keep your distance from the ones you aren’t sure about. You keep your distance from friends. You don't want them to know you’re still messed up somewhat, not fully healed. It’s embarrassing. You’ve discovered Narcs seem attracted to you and so you probably have several in your life. This adds to your aloneness, having to avoid them. Some days you just don’t have it in you. It feels like life is in slow-mo. It feels like nothing is worth it, although you aren’t suicidal. You’re numb. You’re void. You’re living just coping. You no longer have much joy, definitely not the highs you had while around the Narc.
Like a drug addict, you can’t go back to the drug, not even a nibble, if you want to survive. You also can’t hang around the other users. You have to cut all ties and links. All bonds. If you go to the same hangouts, you will miss your drug. Better to just stay away. You feel safe at home, so you stay there a lot. In public, occasionally you might start crying or at least tear up. You don’t want to talk about it in public. Wow. Your life was so intertwined with this last relationship. How did this happen? You don’t know who you are. It’s hard to make decisions. The old activities and hobbies no longer appeal to you. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize you. You might change your hair color, or cut your hair, or buy new clothes. Something to signify who you are now. You aren’t quite sure what is right and wrong for you. You may find new found religion or lean on God at this point. God seems to be the only answer, the only thing that can help you. Normal people cannot. You can barely help yourself, and you’re all you’ve got.
Stage 7: YOU ARISE AND STEP INTO YOUR INNER TRUTH. YOUR TRUE SELF. YOU FOUND YOU. I don’t know what this stage looks like. I’ve only made it to Stage 6. Nearing the end of Stage 6, but nonetheless still there.
I do see glimpses of Stage 7. It reaches out to me like rays of sunshine. I see projections of what I hope it will be. What I believe it will be.
Stage 7 involves me taking up a new hobby and I love it. You know, that passion that I always had, all my life, but I never did it, because it seemed too silly / I was too old / it was too hard / I didn’t have enough time / it didn’t matter / there was work and kids and I always put myself last. You know, that one. I find out things about myself that are amazing. Who knew I was so strong? Who knew I was so empowered? Who knew no matter what happened in my life, I could still love? Who knew I was such an amazing person? Who knew I could help others by my stories, to help pull them out of their own hell and onto their next stage?
Who knew I was lost all my life, and now I’m found? Who knew I was one of the lucky ones who got discarded? It sure didn’t seem like a good thing at the time, but we always rise up from the muck. We don’t accomplish great things by living a peaceful life. Like MLK said, “I have a dream.” People don’t dream unless they are wrestling around in the mud with the pigs. You must overcome, and you need something to overcome from. Who knew I could reach deep inside me and save myself? Well, I know. I know all these things. And so, now I can thank my Narc. I can thank him for dragging me into the mud. For without losing myself in him, I never would have risen to find myself. And that, my friend would be the greatest tragedy of all.