(Again) Coming Out
- Thread starter Lex
- Start date
Latinoboy9
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Lex all I have to say is WOW! Great!
And "my mother & your mother are mothers" its a quote I heard once..not sure where from...Jose'Latinoboy9
And "my mother & your mother are mothers" its a quote I heard once..not sure where from...Jose'Latinoboy9
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- Lex,
October 2006: Happy Birthday--Not
My birthday is in October. So is m daughters. For the first time in all my life, my father did not call me. Nothing. Nada. He did call 11 days later to wish my daughter a happy birthday. In fact, he spoke to her, her brother and Mrs. Lex before hanging up. That's right, he called my house and did not speak to me.
I tried to call him a few weeks before, but he did not answer the phone. You see, he drives my Acura and the new registration stickers had come and I needed to get them to him. He had said (in August that he would come get it when it came) but he left me a voicemail telling me to mail them to his house.
My first thought was to just confront him--but I have not. I have to remember that his oissues with my irentation as just that--his. It's not easy though. I am prone to being a vindictive bastard and he is pushing my limits, especially given our own torrid hsitory. With the holidays approaching I have trying SO hard to stay in the spirit of the season by remembering that all this good karma I try to give out has to pay off at some point.
I will take the kids over to his house to see him and my stepmom for Christmas dinner. I have no idea if he will speak to me or not. I am only going for my kids sake. My great- and grandparents raised me and I want my kids to have some kind of relationship with he and my mom, even if they failed in regards to their relationships with me.
I'll post after Christmas to let everyone know how it went.
November 2006: Long Time, No See
My family on my mom's side is small. I have maybe 5 first cousins. I was taking the kids to dance and soccer when I cell rang. I did not recognize the number, but it was local so I answered.
It was my cousin K. He was home from prison and got my number from my mom. he asked me about the family, etc. and then said that my cousin D was there. D and I are four years apart and were pretty close as kids.
D gets on the phone "Hey Lex--what's up with you, Mo?"
"Nothing much--doing well--school, work, fam, you know."
By this time I am in 7-11 and getting hotdogs and gatorade for the kids.
"So," D says, "Is what I'm hearing true?"
"Is what true?"
"That you're a FAGGIE?"
"What is there to talk about?" I ask, "I am who I am and who I have always been"
he tried to ask all these questions. I told him to talk to his baby sister (she recently came out as gay) if wanted to understand it more. He said "I don't accpet it, but you are my cousin." Ouch.
"I don't need you to accept anything. The people who can respect me and my life can be a part of it--and those that can not--can't."
He had more questions. I told him that I would happily discuss anything with him, but now (in 7-11 and with my kids) was not the time or place to have that conversation.
He said my mom had mentioned it to him and asked if I was upset about that. I told him emphatically, "No. I would not have told her (or anyone) if I wanted it to be a secret. I refuse to life my life like that."
So--there you have it. Just about everyone on my mom's side knows now and few on my dad's side (the larger portion of my family) are aware. Kinda sucks to have family calling you and badgering you about your life--no one seemed to care where I was or what I was doing 6 months ago. But I will pus through all this to greater places ahead.
I am sorry to bring anyone down--but a fellow poster told me how valuable he feels my sharing always is. So I thought I would update you on the past two months.
I should prbably make this into a journal or something.
My birthday is in October. So is m daughters. For the first time in all my life, my father did not call me. Nothing. Nada. He did call 11 days later to wish my daughter a happy birthday. In fact, he spoke to her, her brother and Mrs. Lex before hanging up. That's right, he called my house and did not speak to me.
I tried to call him a few weeks before, but he did not answer the phone. You see, he drives my Acura and the new registration stickers had come and I needed to get them to him. He had said (in August that he would come get it when it came) but he left me a voicemail telling me to mail them to his house.
My first thought was to just confront him--but I have not. I have to remember that his oissues with my irentation as just that--his. It's not easy though. I am prone to being a vindictive bastard and he is pushing my limits, especially given our own torrid hsitory. With the holidays approaching I have trying SO hard to stay in the spirit of the season by remembering that all this good karma I try to give out has to pay off at some point.
I will take the kids over to his house to see him and my stepmom for Christmas dinner. I have no idea if he will speak to me or not. I am only going for my kids sake. My great- and grandparents raised me and I want my kids to have some kind of relationship with he and my mom, even if they failed in regards to their relationships with me.
I'll post after Christmas to let everyone know how it went.
November 2006: Long Time, No See
My family on my mom's side is small. I have maybe 5 first cousins. I was taking the kids to dance and soccer when I cell rang. I did not recognize the number, but it was local so I answered.
It was my cousin K. He was home from prison and got my number from my mom. he asked me about the family, etc. and then said that my cousin D was there. D and I are four years apart and were pretty close as kids.
D gets on the phone "Hey Lex--what's up with you, Mo?"
"Nothing much--doing well--school, work, fam, you know."
By this time I am in 7-11 and getting hotdogs and gatorade for the kids.
"So," D says, "Is what I'm hearing true?"
"Is what true?"
"That you're a FAGGIE?"
"What is there to talk about?" I ask, "I am who I am and who I have always been"
he tried to ask all these questions. I told him to talk to his baby sister (she recently came out as gay) if wanted to understand it more. He said "I don't accpet it, but you are my cousin." Ouch.
"I don't need you to accept anything. The people who can respect me and my life can be a part of it--and those that can not--can't."
He had more questions. I told him that I would happily discuss anything with him, but now (in 7-11 and with my kids) was not the time or place to have that conversation.
He said my mom had mentioned it to him and asked if I was upset about that. I told him emphatically, "No. I would not have told her (or anyone) if I wanted it to be a secret. I refuse to life my life like that."
So--there you have it. Just about everyone on my mom's side knows now and few on my dad's side (the larger portion of my family) are aware. Kinda sucks to have family calling you and badgering you about your life--no one seemed to care where I was or what I was doing 6 months ago. But I will pus through all this to greater places ahead.
I am sorry to bring anyone down--but a fellow poster told me how valuable he feels my sharing always is. So I thought I would update you on the past two months.
I should prbably make this into a journal or something.
Every time you share more of your experience with this, the more respect I gain for you and the more contempt I have for those who are so ignorant and hurtful. You deserve better. Hugs. John
He's the one missing out, when all is said and done, rather than you. And it must be hurting him and eating away at him inside (on some unspoken level, at least), knowing what he's consciously doing to reject you. Of course, I'm sure he's projecting a lot of his anxieties - not least, the irrational 'shame' of having produced a gay child - onto you, rather than seeing his shortcomings as his alone. But if ever anyone wanted to see 'denial' take on a concrete form, then sadly, they need look no further than at what he's doing... literally 'repressing' your relationship out of existence so that he doesn't have to deal with it.
I hope that the future might bring some changes... because at some point, he has to address things. But it may well take time, especially if homophobic thinking is deeply entrenched within him. As you know, it took three years for my parents to resume contact with me, although that wasn't specifically/exclusively over sexuality-related matters. What I'm saying really is... that this may well take more than a while to fix; of course, I hope that the New Year may bring the changes you'd like in starting to see the relationship mended... but realistically, it may take longer. Be sure of this, though: time flies past us all, and every day he misses getting in touch with you, is another opportunity for greater life-fulfilment that he's missed out on.
I think it goes without saying that everyone at LPSG is going to be thinking of you, and hoping that a degree of normalcy can be retained - even if it's only superficial on that day - which might lead onto better things again soon.
Ultimately, you have Mrs. Lex and the kids, and a life that you are a darn sight happier in than ever you could have been if you'd lived a lie in the closet. And while we all may lose a few friends or family members over 'coming out', the love of those who remain seems only more intense and special.
Our circles of friends and our families are NOT about how many people they comprise, but rather about the strength of love, respect, and happiness which we share within them.... and even if that means we go through life with only a single other person at our side.
Yeah, 'ouch' indeed... but... at least one could argue that he's willing to try to stay in contact with you, rather than simply obliterating the reality of your existence within the family from his life. It ain't much, I'll concede, but it offers more of a starting point to build on than your father's outright denial does right now.
Families - and perhaps, people in general - are great at saying nothing so long as the 'status quo' is maintained, and only finding time to comment when their simple little view of the world is challenged for a second. BUT.. as you know, pushing ahead and being true to oneself is the only way, or else we end up locked back in a closet... a confining, miniature version of the world within which we have been imprisoned by someone else's keys.
Why should anyone be brought down by the underlying strength and assuredness which runs throughout what you typed? With that kind of power driving you on, you can achieve whatever you want to ... even when the tasks at hand initially seem insurmountable. Just look at how dang much you've achieved already.
That having been said, anyone with a brain will realize how heavily all this must be weighing on you, especially at this time of the year when we are all supposed to be ludicrously, unquestioningly cheery. But again, keep in mind how many people you have supporting you on endless levels, both offline (most importantly) and also online. Truly, I hope that some of these burdens grow less irksome for you in 2007; even though the realist in me still feels the need to add that the path to full wondrousness may yet take a while longer than that to walk along.
Do enjoy Christmas and New Year to the greatest extent that you can --- I'm sure that'll be just plenty, anyway; just as I can tell that this was your plan already. :smile:
fortiesfun
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I am among those who admire Lex, and deeply appreciate his willingness to share his coming out experiences with the board. Coming out can be terribly difficult, as another current thread attests, but it is extremely helpful to have some sense of other's experience as you do it.
Les, like others before me, I am sad that your father has been less accepting than your wife and your mother. His loss, of course, but I respect that many men of his generation just don't have the emotional resources to deal with honest relationships.
To any others who may be reading this thread to help them think through the issues of coming out, I've shared with Lex that my own father quit speaking to me when I came out to him, a condition that lasted for about four years. We are talking again these days, though not about my sexuality. Not for a second do I regret telling him, however. I hated myself all the years that I lied to him (and many others) and I never got any reassurance from the acceptance offered to my facade, since I knew it was not acceptance of me.
It is worth it, even though it is rarely a smooth process. The confidence, honesty, and genuine kindness that Lex radiates are the best confirmation I know that being able to accept yourself if the greatest benefit of this process even when it is troubled.
Thanks, Lex, for once again sharing with us. I cannot wait for the day, which I fully anticipate, that I read the post in which a little progress has been made with your father.
Les, like others before me, I am sad that your father has been less accepting than your wife and your mother. His loss, of course, but I respect that many men of his generation just don't have the emotional resources to deal with honest relationships.
To any others who may be reading this thread to help them think through the issues of coming out, I've shared with Lex that my own father quit speaking to me when I came out to him, a condition that lasted for about four years. We are talking again these days, though not about my sexuality. Not for a second do I regret telling him, however. I hated myself all the years that I lied to him (and many others) and I never got any reassurance from the acceptance offered to my facade, since I knew it was not acceptance of me.
It is worth it, even though it is rarely a smooth process. The confidence, honesty, and genuine kindness that Lex radiates are the best confirmation I know that being able to accept yourself if the greatest benefit of this process even when it is troubled.
Thanks, Lex, for once again sharing with us. I cannot wait for the day, which I fully anticipate, that I read the post in which a little progress has been made with your father.
B_Think_Kink
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Be strong Lex, and when you can't remember we are always here for you! It is his loss that he can't accept your life decision, there is no reason for you to live life in the closet.
Your story has been an inspiration, and I think that I will get my best friend to read it, and maybe he will come around to the idea of coming out.
Thanks for sharing hun! *hugs*
Your story has been an inspiration, and I think that I will get my best friend to read it, and maybe he will come around to the idea of coming out.
Thanks for sharing hun! *hugs*
Your posts have been equally inspiring, Doc. How any father could shut out the likes of you and Lex is beyond me.
This is beautiful, Lex. Thank you for sharing. I feel like hugging you.
[edit] and I completely missed that this was an older thread that you were just now updating to until just now... in response to your more recent post... try to remember and remain thankful for those in your life (your wife, your mother, everyone here) who do understand and who do love you unconditionally. Now I feel like giving you another hug.
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As always, you guys/gals prove why this place is so much more than just a site about cock. Your support and openness is both genuine and GREATLY appreciated.
I don't want to name names, b/c I know I will forget someone inadvertently.
I'll just say that everyone who takes a moment (or 20 if your German) to reposnd here on in PM or reads and feels uplifted--you all are the a beacon of light that I know I can look to when the sky gets dark.
Thanks again. Hugs all around.
I don't want to name names, b/c I know I will forget someone inadvertently.
I'll just say that everyone who takes a moment (or 20 if your German) to reposnd here on in PM or reads and feels uplifted--you all are the a beacon of light that I know I can look to when the sky gets dark.
Thanks again. Hugs all around.
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- Lex,
December 26, 2006
You're Traveling Through Another Dimension...
I did really well on Christmas. The kids were up at 5:15 opening presents ( I beat them up by 45 minutes). and I was in a good mood, even though I knew that later that evening, I would see my father for ther first time since I told him I was gay in August.
I called a ton of people, and even mistakenly outted myself to a former neighbor. His name is Matt, you see-so imagine what he will think when he gets my cell phone message that was meant for Matthew (my barbaroja). A sign of my growth with this process is that once I realized I had left the message on the wrong phone--I did not care. I calmy called Matthew and left him the message telling of my mistake and laughed with Mrs. Lex and Typhu31 about it. I am gay and happy with it dammit!
So, it was 4 pm and we are pulling up to my Dad/Step-mom's. We come in and there is some family there. SM is cooking and dad, I am told, it watching basketball in the basement. The kids and wife went downstairs to speak and I waited. I heard my dad playing with the kids (a good sign) and walked down and said Merry Christmas. A buddy of his was there and we spoke.
There was this extreme awkwardness. A unseen tension as thick as pea-soup fog and as heavy as humid summer air. After about 3 minutes of watching basketball, he asked how I have been. I told him I had been well and he started atalking about sports and stats and car trouble as if nothing has ever happened.
I admit to being a bit taken aback. While I am not one to wallow in unpleasantness, it was as if the past 4 months had never happened. As if, for him, it was some blur or dream. Weird. I mustered up the comfort to do the usual sports agruments/debates and we were even able to continue this while it was justy he and I alone down there.
Still, it felt bizzarre. By the end of the night--I was in a pretty good place with him and he hugged me before I left. Last hug was in August as well. That felt good. I am still very much processing thiis as I don't know how much of the last 4 months was and interaction of my news coupled with his own personal issues or not. I was, however, happy to see him so perky and happy with the kids and even energized to sit and watch TV with me.
I am going to try to realize this a one of many steps towards he and I maybe being able to connect again. Only time will tell. Thanks to eveyone here for your positive energy and spirit. I am sure, in some small (or big0 way you influenced the energy of this day.
More as I live it.
You're Traveling Through Another Dimension...
I did really well on Christmas. The kids were up at 5:15 opening presents ( I beat them up by 45 minutes). and I was in a good mood, even though I knew that later that evening, I would see my father for ther first time since I told him I was gay in August.
I called a ton of people, and even mistakenly outted myself to a former neighbor. His name is Matt, you see-so imagine what he will think when he gets my cell phone message that was meant for Matthew (my barbaroja). A sign of my growth with this process is that once I realized I had left the message on the wrong phone--I did not care. I calmy called Matthew and left him the message telling of my mistake and laughed with Mrs. Lex and Typhu31 about it. I am gay and happy with it dammit!
So, it was 4 pm and we are pulling up to my Dad/Step-mom's. We come in and there is some family there. SM is cooking and dad, I am told, it watching basketball in the basement. The kids and wife went downstairs to speak and I waited. I heard my dad playing with the kids (a good sign) and walked down and said Merry Christmas. A buddy of his was there and we spoke.
There was this extreme awkwardness. A unseen tension as thick as pea-soup fog and as heavy as humid summer air. After about 3 minutes of watching basketball, he asked how I have been. I told him I had been well and he started atalking about sports and stats and car trouble as if nothing has ever happened.
I admit to being a bit taken aback. While I am not one to wallow in unpleasantness, it was as if the past 4 months had never happened. As if, for him, it was some blur or dream. Weird. I mustered up the comfort to do the usual sports agruments/debates and we were even able to continue this while it was justy he and I alone down there.
Still, it felt bizzarre. By the end of the night--I was in a pretty good place with him and he hugged me before I left. Last hug was in August as well. That felt good. I am still very much processing thiis as I don't know how much of the last 4 months was and interaction of my news coupled with his own personal issues or not. I was, however, happy to see him so perky and happy with the kids and even energized to sit and watch TV with me.
I am going to try to realize this a one of many steps towards he and I maybe being able to connect again. Only time will tell. Thanks to eveyone here for your positive energy and spirit. I am sure, in some small (or big0 way you influenced the energy of this day.
More as I live it.
fortiesfun
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This is great news, Lex. More progress than I would have imagined in a shorter time. I am sure it is odd to have the "pink elephant" simply ignored, but for many of our fathers it is literally the best they can do. Yours might be capable of even more sometime in the future, judging by the way you are moving him along.
I remain in awe of your courage and your thoughtfulness in sharing your continuing saga. You cannot imagine how much and how many it helps.
I remain in awe of your courage and your thoughtfulness in sharing your continuing saga. You cannot imagine how much and how many it helps.
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- Lex,
My dad suffers from intermittent depression and does not emote. He tends to avoid things and paint over them. Now, through more mature eyes, I can realize that I have seen him have bouts of major depression at least 3 or 4 times since I have been in my 20s. He also is VERY moody--a bad mood of his will last days or even weeks. I have often wondered (since embracing myself)--if he has some level of repression that causes him to be so prepetually miserable and unavailable. His mood also swings rapidly.
For me, as a former miserable bastard, I now realize that it was my repressed orientation that played a major part in my bad moods, edginess, anixety, etc. I would never go as far as to say that my dad may also be gay--but I will say that he has some demons that haunt him. I hope he can overcome them, if only for the sake of my kids.
If he can get to the point where he can accept that men (not women) really pull my heart strings--then, even better.
For me, as a former miserable bastard, I now realize that it was my repressed orientation that played a major part in my bad moods, edginess, anixety, etc. I would never go as far as to say that my dad may also be gay--but I will say that he has some demons that haunt him. I hope he can overcome them, if only for the sake of my kids.
If he can get to the point where he can accept that men (not women) really pull my heart strings--then, even better.
Lex:
This news is awesome. It seems evident enough that your father if finally coming to terms with your sexuality and dare I say with sexuality altogether. In my opinion, I think that your father was able to get it into his mind that the Lex prior to the day you came out is the same Lex post the day you came out. And if he was able to enjoy your presence at that time, then reasonably he should be able to enjoy it still.
I dont NEED to tell you how I hope things turn out for you.
Ill write more as it comes to me.
This news is awesome. It seems evident enough that your father if finally coming to terms with your sexuality and dare I say with sexuality altogether. In my opinion, I think that your father was able to get it into his mind that the Lex prior to the day you came out is the same Lex post the day you came out. And if he was able to enjoy your presence at that time, then reasonably he should be able to enjoy it still.
I dont NEED to tell you how I hope things turn out for you.
Ill write more as it comes to me.
joyboytoy79
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Lex, your story is an offer of hope for many.
A close friend of mine (very close, it turns out) is just now working up the courage to come out to his parents. He has many reservations, and i don't blame him. I've been assuring him, however, that no matter the outcome, at least he will know where he REALLY stands with his parents. In time, i'm sure they will come to accept him with time. Just as your father seems to be coming to acceptance of you.
*hugs* Lex. You're an inspiration for many.
A close friend of mine (very close, it turns out) is just now working up the courage to come out to his parents. He has many reservations, and i don't blame him. I've been assuring him, however, that no matter the outcome, at least he will know where he REALLY stands with his parents. In time, i'm sure they will come to accept him with time. Just as your father seems to be coming to acceptance of you.
*hugs* Lex. You're an inspiration for many.
JustAsking
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Lex,
In my oblivion, this is the first time I have noticed this thread and I realize I have missed something extremely important and valuable. I just read it all through and was amazed at the journey you have been through (recently, and throughout your life).
I can only be a bystander in your story and just shake my head at the courage you and others have displayed in coming out. Its one thing to finally come to terms with something you have been in personal denial about, but to then attempt to readjust all the closest and most meaningful relationships with others with the truth, is amazingly courageous. I imagine it is a necessary thing, since the alternatives are to disappear or live a lie. But that doesn't make doing it any easier. I am reminded of the rock climber who got his arm stuck in a crevice last summer and finally realized that the best course of action was to cut his own arm off. Starting down the path to coming out to your wife and your other dearest relations and friends must have seemed like the same thing. You are fortunate that almost everyone closest to you loves you more than they feared how your admission might affect them.
Thats the closest I could possibly come in indentifying with what you have been through. However, I can relate much better to your recent experience with your father. This is probably obvious, but the men in our parents' generation were mostly unequipped to understand their own feelings and communicate them well. My father was one of those type, and although he was a great guy who tried hard, I cannot remember any conversations where he expressed feelings about anything to me, including when his wife (my stepmother) died and when he was dying of cancer.
In each of those situations, he never initiated any conversations to me by phone. It was always something I had to initiate. And when I would visit him, the conversation was all about woodworking or golf. I finally began to realize that this was his only way of participating in the relationship. Having no insight or vocabulary for his own feelings, and no model for communicating them, he fell back to the familiar and comfortable topics to which we could both relate.
It sounds to me like your father is doing the same thing. He has reconciled himself to this new world view concerning you and is now relying on familiar patterns of communication to make sure the relationship is sound. Ironically, by avoiding the subject, he is making a real gesture of commitment to you. Like in many dysfunctional male relationships, denial and convention become the best bonding forces.
In summary, I learned early on that when there is a problem with your mother and you, you fix it by talking it out. When there is a problem with your father and you, you fix it by talking about golf or lawncare over a few beers.
My first instinct is to say that you and your father are going to be ok with this.
As for me, I have nothing but admiration for you, and for the kind of people you have obviously come from or surrounded yourself with, such as your mother and your wife.
In my oblivion, this is the first time I have noticed this thread and I realize I have missed something extremely important and valuable. I just read it all through and was amazed at the journey you have been through (recently, and throughout your life).
I can only be a bystander in your story and just shake my head at the courage you and others have displayed in coming out. Its one thing to finally come to terms with something you have been in personal denial about, but to then attempt to readjust all the closest and most meaningful relationships with others with the truth, is amazingly courageous. I imagine it is a necessary thing, since the alternatives are to disappear or live a lie. But that doesn't make doing it any easier. I am reminded of the rock climber who got his arm stuck in a crevice last summer and finally realized that the best course of action was to cut his own arm off. Starting down the path to coming out to your wife and your other dearest relations and friends must have seemed like the same thing. You are fortunate that almost everyone closest to you loves you more than they feared how your admission might affect them.
Thats the closest I could possibly come in indentifying with what you have been through. However, I can relate much better to your recent experience with your father. This is probably obvious, but the men in our parents' generation were mostly unequipped to understand their own feelings and communicate them well. My father was one of those type, and although he was a great guy who tried hard, I cannot remember any conversations where he expressed feelings about anything to me, including when his wife (my stepmother) died and when he was dying of cancer.
In each of those situations, he never initiated any conversations to me by phone. It was always something I had to initiate. And when I would visit him, the conversation was all about woodworking or golf. I finally began to realize that this was his only way of participating in the relationship. Having no insight or vocabulary for his own feelings, and no model for communicating them, he fell back to the familiar and comfortable topics to which we could both relate.
It sounds to me like your father is doing the same thing. He has reconciled himself to this new world view concerning you and is now relying on familiar patterns of communication to make sure the relationship is sound. Ironically, by avoiding the subject, he is making a real gesture of commitment to you. Like in many dysfunctional male relationships, denial and convention become the best bonding forces.
In summary, I learned early on that when there is a problem with your mother and you, you fix it by talking it out. When there is a problem with your father and you, you fix it by talking about golf or lawncare over a few beers.
My first instinct is to say that you and your father are going to be ok with this.
As for me, I have nothing but admiration for you, and for the kind of people you have obviously come from or surrounded yourself with, such as your mother and your wife.
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- Lex,
DC--thanks. I forgot to call you yesterday. I have a buddy coming into town now--so we may drive down Friday/drive back and crash at my house and then stay overnight at a hotel on Saturday so we can have a few drinks and go to BlowOff (we went last month and had an awesome time.
I'll call you this week, handsome.
It's your call, my man. We have PLENTY of room. Your invitation will remain open. Your buddy is welcome, also.
Oh, and we will most likely be attending a function at The Hippo on 1/27; one of our friends, Mr. Atlantic Deaf Leather 2006 will be presenting a couple of donation checks to SMYAL. We helped him with that fundraiser, so we'll probably be there to cheer! You should meet him, he's HAWT!!
