BAD JOKES

[jay_too]

This is a really bad joke...but then, here's Georrrge!

I know something about being a government. And you've got a good one." Stumping for Gov. Mike Huckabee, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 4, 2002

"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate."South Bend, Ind., Oct. 31, 2002

"John Thune has got a common-sense vision for good forest policy. I look forward to working with him in the United Nations Senate to preserve these national heritages."

"Any time we've got any kind of inkling that somebody is thinking about doing something to an American and something to our homeland, you've just got to know we're moving on it, to protect the United Nations Constitution, and at the same time, we're protecting you."Aberdeen, S.D., same day (Thanks to George Dupper.)

"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."Boston, Oct. 4, 2002

"I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will."Speaking about Saddam Hussein, Manchester, N.H., Oct. 5, 2002 (Thanks to George Dupper.)

 

[13788]

sammygirly: ~blinks~

Is it because I'm canadian that I don't get that?

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.

By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.

When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"

"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too."

His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"

 

[jay_too]

I know something about being a government. And you've got a good one."

This comic was once Governor of Texas….hmmm, maybe coke did not fry his brain, he just suffers from megalomania.

"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate."

United Nations Senate? Well, the U.N. does not have one. I wonder if he meant U.S. Senate. Do you think he was snorting something during high school civics?

"John Thune has got a common-sense vision for good forest policy. I look forward to working with him in the United Nations Senate to preserve these national heritages."

I wonder if he might think he is king of the world?

"Any time we've got any kind of inkling that somebody is thinking about doing something to an American and something to our homeland, you've just got to know we're moving on it, to protect the United Nations Constitution, and at the same time, we're protecting you."Aberdeen, S.D.”

Maybe his morning Rice Crispies told him he had a new mission.

"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."

Ooching along? Probably the most precise economic analysis that George can comprehend. You don’t suppose this is why some parts of the economy are in recession.

"I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will."

The new MAD doctrine is Mutally Assured Disarmament not Mutually Assured Destruction.

 

[Pecker]

Why not stick to the bad jokes and leave the political statements for another board?


A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.

The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"


"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. ""That's a duck."

"I was talking to the duck."

 

[13788]

sammygirly: LMAO that's terrible...


What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

 

[13788]

sammygirly: The Canadian Government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:

2 of their largest battleships
2,000 ground troops
24 fighter jets

AFTER THE EXCHANGE RATE, the USA will receive:

1 canoe
2 Mounties
12 flying squirrels.

 

[13788]

Finedessert: ROFLMAO @ Sammy...Keep em comming.

Grandpa

 

[Pecker]

What's the difference between light and hard?


You can go to sleep with a light on.

 

[13788]

drrionelli: A fellow of substantial means was ripping along the back roads in his Bentley Arnage when suddenly...BOOM!!!...from engine compartment drastically slowed his velocity.

Pulling to the side of the road, he lifted the bonnet to examine the circumstance, finding it to be quite extensive and quite expensive. About this time, the village inebriate was staggering along and noticed the challenged motorist. Wishing to afford whatever assistance he could, he slurred to the exasperated driver, "What seems to be wrong, friend?"

The driver, quite vexed at his situation, snapped at the drunk, "Piston broke!"

The drunk replied, "Yeah, me too!"

 

[13788]

7x6andchg: ...but in American English it has a different meaning entirely...

The driver would be pissed (angry) and broke...but the drunk, what's he so mad about...oh...wait, Queen's English. Pissed = drunk.

Proof that humor (or humour) can span the Pond..and ~nods to Sammygirly~ the 49th parallel.

7x6&c

 

[13788]

sammygirly: ~winks at 7x6~

Woman goes to the bathroom one day and *clink* *clink*. Startled she jumps up, looks into the toilet only to see two pennies. A little confused but not yet disconcerted she puts it out of her mind...until the next time she goes to the bathroom and *clink* *clink*...two nickels. A little more concerned now she tries to put it out of her mind...but low and behold the next time she goes *clink* *clink*...two quarters.

Upset she goes to the doctor and tells him all about the appearing coins. He smiles at her and pats her hand.

"There's absolutely nothing to worry about" He says

"You're just going through the change"

(they dont' call this the BAD joke thread for nuthin ;D

 

[Pecker]

Jack was trying out his new sportscar on some twisting, country backroads.

There was no other traffic except for himself so he got careless and took a wide, sweeping turn a little too fast.

The car rolled over several times and came to a sliding halt on its roof right between the large white house owned by the Smiths and the yellow one owned by the Balls.

Luckilly, Jack was pulled from the wreckage by the Smiths.

 

[13788]

Hungk: Has anyone been run off the board for a really bad joke yet?...well, heck I'm gonna try anyway.


A little boy and a Child-molesting murderer take a late night walk into the dark woods. The Little boy looks up and says to the Child-molesting Murderer, " I'm Scared!!".
The child-molesting murderer says, "You're Sacred?... I have to walk home alone!" :-X

 

[13788]

banana_boy33: a man takes his 7 year old twin boys , to the doctor

the doctor finishes the boys physicals , and she sends them to the lobby and calls in the father

Father: is there a problem doctor

Doctor:no problem , she says while slipping him a provacative photo with her number on it

father:whats this about

Doctor:i noticed your sons both have large penises at least 12 in long flaccid

father: well.....

Doctor:the fathers genes determine the childs penis size, then she winks at him

Father:well , they didn't get it from me

Doctor: then where does it come from

Father: my wife only has 1 arm , and when they were little , and she bathed them, she had to manage the best she could

 

[13788]

jjdov26: hmmm.

I don't get it Bannana.

 

[jonb]

I didn't either. I first thought it was going to be of the same "He's the only one who is ours" punchline.

 

[13788]

aussiechick63: Hey guys. Why do they have large penises? Mum only had one arm. How did she hold them up in the bath??

 

[13788]

Finedessert: HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females" He replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, " 3 were on the beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Grandpa

 

[13788]

sammygirly: After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3,
4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[ericbear]

The current thread about cum facials, etc, reminds me of a really bad joke. (BTW, I'm Polish, so no offense intended!)

A few friends stop by the bar after work. After a few drinks, they start boasting about their lovemaking prowess-- how big and hard their dick is, how often they give it to their woman, how long they last, how many times they make her cum, etc. Eventually, they get around to boasting about how they finally shoot their loads.

The black guy says "I plow her doggy style. When I'm gonna cum, I pull the monster out and cream all over her ass and back. It makes her moan and scream with ecstasy for 10 minutes afterward!"

"You just don't know how to do it!" says the Frenchman. "I make love sensually, with her on her back, and me on top. When I'm ready, I pull out, sit up, and spray ropes of my man essence all over her heaving breasts. It makes her moan and scream for 20 minutes afterward!"

"Oh! That's nothing!" says the Italian guy. "I pull out, take my cock in my hand, and pump jet after jet of hot cum all over her pretty face, until it looks like a glazed donut! She screams for a WHOLE HOUR afterward!"

The Polish guy is looking somewhat perplexed. "I don't see what you guys are boasting about" he says. "I've got you all way beat. Last time we made love, I was out of rubbers, so I pulled out when it was time to blow my load. I shot all over the new curtains. That was THREE WEEKS ago, and she's STILL screaming!"