Infidelity

[invisibleman]

How does one define cheating?

I cheated on my second husband. Deliberately and with his knowledge. He was having the first of two emotional attachments with a female study partner (later with a co-worker) and I repeatedly asked him to invite her to our house. He refused. He began spending more evenings with her, the two-hour sessions became three or four, and when I asked him when I would get to meet her, he replied "I don't want you to meet her".

Well, that seems like you were trying to be honest about the whole thing. He just was being secretive about his whole relationship with his "studying" partner. And if you have to study two or more hours on a subject with some one else...you have to be in Special Ed. classes, okay? That nikka was Porky Pig dumb. He probably didn't tell her that he was married.

He should've just been honest with you. ​

He insisted they were not having an affair but still did not want me to have any contact with her.

Oh, really? He probably didn't want you to get the shotgun. ​

Finally I told him I would feel more comfortable if he chose another study partner given the circumstances.​

That is when you should have broke out the knives and the knife sharpener. :biggrin1:​

He refused and said I had no reason not to trust him.​

Oh, reeeaaallly. The knives and the knife sharpener. Check. Brass knuckles. Double check. Lead pipe. Triple check. ​

Being very young and brash with a vindictive streak, I made it clear I would be bedding another man that night and would be home when I was finished. That's exactly what I did. When I came home I gave details of that evening's event.

He became self-righteous, told his family, and I became a pariah for at least two years. He was convinced that my one night stand was much worse than his emotional attachment to his study partner.​

Ooh, what pussified bitch ass.Yeah, he is lucky Joey Greco from CHEATERS wasn't called. I would've had my knives, my brass knuckles, and my lead pipe in my PRADA. ​

That was the only time I slept with anyone else during our marriage. Right away I knew my reaction was juvenile but I was so hurt, frustrated and angry that I lashed out in a way I knew his pious nature and ego would be affected. I swore never to do that again. He, however, went on to have yet another emotional affair with a co-worker and will be marrying her this year.

I wonder if she knows about his tendencies to have multiple emotional affairs... I hope that she is allowed to do the same. ​

None of this would've taken place had we talked about our expectations. I wish we had, it would've saved us both a lot of pain. I grow weary of reading how there are no grey areas in cheating and that you "just know" if you're cheating. I'm convinced that cheating is a form of lying. Lying can be prevented if you insist upon total honesty and open communication about your expectations in a relationship. We behaved irresponsibly by not discussing ours and had we done so early on, I doubt we would've married.

Lying is lying. Cheating is cheating. Don't get married to anyone who is not truly marriage material. A person you can trust is the one who will be honest to a fault. Being truthful about other people is honest. People do not have to pretend. Lie about it. Maybe marriage should really be honest about "the affairs", Maybe expect that others will cheat on you. And maybe vice-versa.​

I regret how I handled the situation. I should've packed my stuff and walked out instead of retaliating in poor fashion. I'm fortunate that my partner believes i've risen above my past and am doing everything in my power to be a better person every day-he trusts me absolute. I love him for that.

You should've packed?!! He should've packed. He could go and study more with his "study" partner. ​

Relationships give us the opportunity to grow as individuals. We either take that opportunity seriously or we waste it.

In relationships, you realize that you can fall in love with wrong people. ​

 

[Phil Ayesho]

My biggest issue with infidelity is the lying and how that seems so hypocritical and antithetical to the notion of a loving, mature relationship. I personally choose to be monogamous in my relationships. When I stop feeling the urge to be monogamous or I lose my desire for my partner and want to stray, well then it's time to leave the relationship, if we can't resolve things through communication.

Well, you have to appreciate that, for those of use in really long term relationships, you're not being monogamous.

Jumping ship the minute your passion starts to wane, or your eye to wander, is NOT being monogamous. Its being promiscuous, one person at a time.

Like a guy in a hot dog eating contest saying, "hey, I only eat ONE hot dog at a time!"

Anyone can remain true to each person they screw for a year or two, then move on to another.

Where's the test of your moral fortitude?


Monogamy is staying true even during the phases of your relationship that are lackluster or difficult... even when you start feeling something for someone else...get bored...

Monogamy is sticking it out for the long haul.

And those who have not managed it have no ground on which to stand to pontificate to those who have.


Moral absolutists end up alone.

You have to evaluate each instance of infidelity in context to determine its moral framework.

A horndoog womanizer is just an egotistic ass... kick him to the curb.

A good man who has struggled to remain true in the face of cruelty and disregard is not the one whose morality needs examining.


Part of the current American mythology is the feminist inspired notion that ALL infidelity by men is wrong, and always and entirely the man's fault.

Its this very refusal to examine their own actions that enables some women to treat their men like hammered shit and still demand faithfulness to the sideshow they have made of their marriage.

To my mind, for either a man or a woman to allow themselves to mistreat and undervalue their spouse, for years on end...
...that is just as much an act of infidelity.

Keeping faith is not keeping it in your pants, per se...

Keeping faith begins and ends with keeping faith in each other.

 

[marleyisalegend]

How does one define cheating?

sticking your penis in someone other than your mate if you've claimed to offer monogomy

 

[B_girthless]

I have been involved in numerous relationships with women and, at some point, the girl has often strayed outside of the relationship. Sometimes she would inform me beforehand, saying she wanted to experiment with other men. In other cases, I found out after the fact. I have never considered this to be sufficient grounds for ending the relationship. In fact, the exctement the girl found with other men often seemed to improve the overall quality of our sexual interaction.

 

[marleyisalegend]

I have been involved in numerous relationships with women and, at some point, the girl has often strayed outside of the relationship. Sometimes she would inform me beforehand, saying she wanted to experiment with other men. In other cases, I found out after the fact. I have never considered this to be sufficient grounds for ending the relationship. In fact, the exctement the girl found with other men often seemed to improve the overall quality of our sexual interaction.

that's all a matter of personal preference. when someone cheats on me, i feel like that behavior is putting my life in danger because for all i know the person they're cheating with may have AIDS. if everybody started sleeping around whenever they got bored with their relationship, as fun as it may sound, in this day and age it would only fuel the STD cases that are already skyrocketing. this kind of experimentation is literally killing us

 

[No_Strings]

sticking your penis in someone other than your mate if you've claimed to offer monogomy

Hey monogamists! You can now take a cock and it isn't cheating, but don't you dare give one to them.

 

[marleyisalegend]

Hey monogamists! You can now take a cock and it isn't cheating, but don't you dare give one to them.

lol u know what i meant. ANY type of sexual activity outside of a relationship where commitment has been promised

 

[No_Strings]

lol u know what i meant. ANY type of sexual activity outside of a relationship where commitment has been promised

Only sexual activity though?

What about developing an emotional relationship with someone, whilst lying about it to the partner?

 

[Lex]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with one person.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with more than one person.

It is wrong to lie and deceive someone so that they think you want one thing when you really want another.

It is wrong to assume just because you are dating someone that they want the same things that you want in the same ways. It's also stupid and foolish, IMHO.

Every relationship has to be negotiated on several fronts--this is essentially why we date: to find someone with whom we feel overwhelmingly compatible and with whom we share mutual life goals.

What more than a few people in this thread seem to be missing is that being compatible and committed does not mean being monogamous sexually unless you agree that is what it means within the confines of your relationship.

For a lot of people, they are committed and they are open. They are honest and have sex outside of the relationship and all is well. A fuck is a fuck. They love each other deeply and feel strong enough within their love to not care if one or the other has sex with someone else. Thsi explains many people's "horror" over some gay male relationships and married swingers.

For some, like my good friend AlteredEgo, monogamy is the rule within her current relationship. I am so happy that things continue to work out for her and her beau.

People who think that somehow their mate will never be interested in another person are living in denial. People are attracted to people regardless of how "head over heels in love" they are. This is why many a mate gets upset over porn, for goodness sake.

My partner and I have talked about this. We started as a closed relationship and decided that as a couple, if we wanted to play with another couple or person, that we would (And we have). We decided that this type of play should feel natural and not forced. It needed to feel 100% comfortable. And it did.

We decided that neither of us would play alone--ever. We further decided that if, at any time, one of us felt that they wanted to play alone or that we needed to readdress our boundaries, that we would. Those are the rules. They work for us. They may not work for you. And we are alright with that. Why aren't you?

People, IMO, really are putting the focus on the wrong thing. Emotional commitments outside of relationships are far more damaging than a sexual tryst. I know my man loves only me deeply. I could care less is he wants to fuck The Rock. If he were in love with another man, well, that would be much more threatening to our relationship.

 

[marleyisalegend]

Only sexual activity though?

What about developing an emotional relationship with someone, whilst lying about it to the partner?

actually that's a good point, i was in a 3 year relationship once and my partner had the kind of affair you're talking about, developing an emotional relationship with someone else that was everything except physical. it hurt me just as much as physical cheating would have and ur right, i didn't think about that

 

[Drifterwood]

I am getting a bit fucking bored of all this sanctimonious shit.

Good for fucking you. Go straight to heaven, do not pass go, do not collect your blow job from the Devil.

I had dinner with an American buddy tonight, he is 74, he's still fucking everything that moves, he's been married five goddamn times. Oh la la, what a naughty Jersey Boy :biggrin1: He was swinging before I was born, I don't think he's my Dad, so I think I'll see if he wants to go out on the prowl for sore MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF today. :wink:

 

[HyperHulk]

Well, you have to appreciate that, for those of use in really long term relationships, you're not being monogamous.

Jumping ship the minute your passion starts to wane, or your eye to wander, is NOT being monogamous. Its being promiscuous, one person at a time.

Monogamy is staying true even during the phases of your relationship that are lackluster or difficult... even when you start feeling something for someone else...get bored...

Monogamy is sticking it out for the long haul.

And those who have not managed it have no ground on which to stand to pontificate to those who have.

To my mind, for either a man or a woman to allow themselves to mistreat and undervalue their spouse, for years on end...
...that is just as much an act of infidelity.

Keeping faith is not keeping it in your pants, per se...

Keeping faith begins and ends with keeping faith in each other.

I'm not quite sure how you could quote me and yet ignore what I wrote. I said, that if I had that desire to stray in a relationship, if I felt drawn to another, then I would be end it--if communication couldn't resolve my issues. That's a big if. I never wrote I would just walk out the door. My thoughts, again, my own, for me--is that if I start to feel those feelings, instead of giving in to the infidelity, I discuss what's going on with my partner to see if we can work through them and if we can't, then it might be time to end it. That isn't reasonable? Am I forced and doomed to have the affair? I don't believe so. I don't feel powerless in my choices with this, I feel like I have the power to make the decisions that I want to live with and that honor my relationship.

Also, again, please note that I was talking in terms of my feelings about this issue for myself. I wasn't saying that this applies or should apply to everyone. I answered the OP's initial question. I'm not sure what is motivating you and others to continually insist that I am making statements that I am saying everyone should follow. That feels more like you and others projecting your own issues with this topic.

Last, you end your discussion with some rant about feminism forcing men to endure abuse without having infidelity as an acceptable outlet. And it seems your suggesting that is preferable for people to endure all the random crap of relationships as a true sign of commitment. Well, again, for me, I disagree. I know that random crap is going to happen in relationships and for me, I try to work through it. Where that random crap becomes abusive and destructive and filled with lies and deceit, I try to handle it maturely and if nothing can be resolved for both of us, I recognize that, for me, it's best to move on. I will swim through crap if I have to get to a better place, but I have no intention of drowning in it.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

sticking your penis in someone other than your mate if you've claimed to offer monogomy

Proof only men can cheat!! Do you think my man will accept this testimony? :no:

I am getting a bit fucking bored of all this sanctimonious shit.

Good for fucking you. Go straight to heaven, do not pass go, do not collect your blow job from the Devil.

I had dinner with an American buddy tonight, he is 74, he's still fucking everything that moves, he's been married five goddamn times. Oh la la, what a naughty Jersey Boy :biggrin1: He was swinging before I was born, I don't think he's my Dad, so I think I'll see if he wants to go out on the prowl for sore MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF today. :wink:

Can I recommend Dublin as a funky place for the pair of you to go out on the tiles? :biggrin1::biggrin1:

 

[Drifterwood]

Can I recommend Dublin as a funky place for the pair of you to go out on the tiles? :biggrin1::biggrin1:

Is there a Floozy in the Jacuzzi? :wink:

 

[No_Strings]

I had dinner with an American buddy tonight, he is 74, he's still fucking everything that moves, he's been married five goddamn times. Oh la la, what a naughty Jersey Boy :biggrin1: He was swinging before I was born, I don't think he's my Dad, so I think I'll see if he wants to go out on the prowl for sore MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF today. :wink:

Call me. Ball and chain is getting tiresome.

It's only cheating if they find out about it.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Is there a Floozy in the Jacuzzi? :wink:

Gimme 5 minutes....

Oh wait - you meant Anna - no, they took her away :frown1: (I always liked her)

 

[Drifterwood]

Call me. Ball and chain is getting tiresome.

:booty:p::3some:

Right

 

[ManlyBanisters]

opcorn: :clit:

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I'm not quite sure how you could quote me and yet ignore what I wrote. I said, that if I had that desire to stray in a relationship, if I felt drawn to another, then I would be end it--if communication couldn't resolve my issues. That's a big if.

Sorry if I misrepresented you... I didn't mean to...
Its just the comment of leaving if you are attracted to another that I was responding to...

I'm not sure what is motivating you and others to continually insist that I am making statements that I am saying everyone should follow. That feels more like you and others projecting your own issues with this topic.

um... I am saying, and have been saying that each instance must be evaluated by its own particulars... that simply can not be read to mean everyone has to do it one way.

Last, you end your discussion with some rant about feminism forcing men to endure abuse without having infidelity as an acceptable outlet. .

That is not at all what I said. I never said sexual infidelity was an acceptable outlet... I never so much as implied it.

What I said was that your spouse losing faith IN you, and treating you badly was EVERY BIT AS MUCH AN INFIDELITY.

What I said was that emotional mistreatment and abandonment was EQUIVALENT to the sexual infidelity that it often results in.


That is not excusing either one... it is demonstrating that straying sexually is not always the proximate cause of breach...

I can not convict a person for shooting someone in self defense.
It doesn't mean I endorse shooting people as acceptable.

Likewise, if your wife is not keeping her vow to love and honor and cleave for you... then I can not condemn a person for seeking that elsewhere.


The marriages that survive an infidelity are the ones where both parties can acknowledge their OWN failures in keeping faith.

 

[HyperHulk]

A good man who has struggled to remain true in the face of cruelty and disregard is not the one whose morality needs examining.

Part of the current American mythology is the feminist inspired notion that ALL infidelity by men is wrong, and always and entirely the man's fault.

Its this very refusal to examine their own actions that enables some women to treat their men like hammered shit and still demand faithfulness to the sideshow they have made of their marriage.

That is not at all what I said. I never said sexual infidelity was an acceptable outlet... I never so much as implied it.

Likewise, if your wife is not keeping her vow to love and honor and cleave for you... then I can not condemn a person for seeking that elsewhere.

The marriages that survive an infidelity are the ones where both parties can acknowledge their OWN failures in keeping faith.

Well, from your earlier quote, what I wrote does seem implied, but I accept that it wasn't your intent. Again though, I'm not sure I understand your point. I am only speaking from my perspective and how I believe for myself. If my partner is treating me so badly as you describe and I feel like I have to cheat--well I am hard-pressed to see why this type of relationship should be maintained? Sticking with a relationship that has degenerated into abuse and lies is not acceptable for me. I don't see the point. I know people do it all the time--for money, kids or their jobs. For me, that would be hell. If you or others can endure and move beyond it, great. I don't think that is proof that you have discovered the true meaning of faithfulness.

The OP asked people if they would cheat on the spouse/partner/LTR? Those of us who have said no, seem to be constantly defending our response from those who have said yes. Why isn't it ok for us to not want to cheat? Why are we naive for not wanting to cheat or not wanting our partners to cheat? Why should we have to accept cheating as an inevitable "oops" and get over it and show true strength and faith by enduring the "oops"? If my partner wants to withhold love, then why isn't it logical for me to no longer want to be in that relationship?

If cheating is ok with you under certain circumstances, then good for you. Is it ok for it to not be ok with me under any circumstances?