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Should I hook up with my "straight" best friend?

aheidla

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Honestly, it sounds similar to what a lot of straight women do to their straight guy friends that they're not actually attracted to just for attention and validation because of their own insecurities. I had no idea that some straight men would also exhibit similar behaviors with their gay male friends but it's hardly surprising. The need for validation does not discriminate by gender. Everyone has an ego.

I wouldn't read too much into the behavior beyond that nor try to push him to go any further. You are smart to never initiate anything. However, he sounds to be someone who likes to play games and with people's emotions. I'm sure he's aware that you're attracted to him and he's wielding that to his advantage to squeeze as much validation out of you as he can. I'll advise you exactly how I've advised my younger brothers who have had female friends that treated them similarly; run. Immediately.
 

njpup

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I'm going to say the thing everybody is avoiding. I've snaked on straight guys before. I'm not proud of it, but I have. I've gotten guys drunk. I've tricked guys. Things went my way sometimes and sometimes they didn't. None of said experiences were without problems. I had a thing with a straight guy for years. Yea Yea Yea I know everybody is gonna say he ain't that straight. Who cares? Anyway that particular one was weird as hell. I don't recommend it to anyone. Most every time I did this, it was because I was selfish and thought I was entitled to what I wanted...his body.

If you are sexually attracted to guys and like to have sex with them, then the best thing is to pursue like-minded guys. The outcomes will be much better. Most of my buddies all my life have been straight guys. I never really fit into the "gay lifestyle" whatever that is. The good thing about straight guys, no matter how hot they are, is you know they are off the menu....period. The spare few times I forgot that all important rule, I was invariably disappointed.

Every one of those times was not some guy kissing all over me or cuddling with me. Now I've bathed with guys, slept in the same bed, eaten off the same plate, hell eaten off the same fork, used my bud's toothbrush. I've manscaped some guys for IFBB comps. I've shaved balls for crying out loud. I even checked out a bud's perineum because he thought there was something way bad going on down there. When there is deep trust, secure straight guys have no issue with same gender physical contact, even if it is very intimate. If you think that is not true you have bought into a nonsensical feminist myth.
I could agree more. You hit the nail on the head. @Jarren.Anthony this guy speaks the truth. If you truly value your friendship then don't set things in motion that could turn ugly or get you disappointed. Enjoy the friendship that you have that could be a friendship that lasts a lifetime. I'm sure he's also a great ally. No need in having him think different or negatively of you b/c of your own needs. You both seem like awesome friends and it would suck to lose that friendship. Wishing nothing but the best for you man. Good luck!
 

Theprodigal

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I never usually post on here but just thought I’d say let him instigate it as he would if he truly wanted it. It also means he can’t accuse you of coming onto a straight man later down the line. If something did happen and he is truly more straight than gay then you know he will want to end up with a woman and that will just be harder for you to deal with. If you value a friend for life keep it platonic.
 

DAVE08114

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You are also messing with his perceived identity of himself, whether that is completely true or not.
You may get your way in a moment of weakness, but you will then remind him of that whenever in his presence.
You will be a constant confrontation to his likely fixed identity of himself that he presents to the world and is likely comfortable with. Some can repress a bisexual desire as a sacrifice to that image and live with it.
Have your way if you will, but while you may not lose the friendship in a best case scenario, you will lose the closeness you once had. You will find yourself on the periphery of his group hierarchy.
Figure out whether that likely life time effect on the friendship is worth the short fleeting moment of sexual lust that will pass in a moment once the deed is done.
 

DAVE08114

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I never usually post on here but just thought I’d say let him instigate it as he would if he truly wanted it. It also means he can’t accuse you of coming onto a straight man later down the line.
Believe me, he will accuse you of being at fault even if he does instigate it, Hypocrisy, I know, but he will justify whatever it takes to absolve himself of responsibility.
 
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Jarren.Anthony

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Been there done that.
It can end up OK or end quite badly. You roll the dice.
The MAIN thing is you must NEVER initiate the sexual encounter. It must always be him, drunk or not.
He needs to see himself as the one in control and with the power to choose or reject.
It's also a waste of time in the end.
It never leads anywhere.
You have this fantasy he will discover you are his one and true love and you will live happily ever after. You wont admit it but it's there.
And it's an illusion. Move on.
Hey Dave, appreciate the feedback. I'm sorry to hear your past experiences haven't worked out, but I must admit our situations are completely different when it comes to fantasies. When it comes to my post, everything it says it flat out to the point. One night, and one approach. The fantasy of ever living a "happily ever after" with Adam is non-existent. I understand where your assumption is coming from due to your experiences, but it's not like that. It's fair to say that it sounds like this topic hits home for you and you've had some experiences where you wished for more, and got hurt as a result. I'm sorry to hear that. If it were the case for me though, I hope you'd know that I would never have an issue telling a bunch of strangers on the internet about it. I don't mean for that to sound like Adam's not a suitable match for someone, he's one of the most awesome people I've ever met and one day he's going to make someone really happy, but there's no spark I have towards him in regards to romantic compatibility at all. He's just my best bud, and there's no craving I have for our relationship to go any further than that, nor would I want it to.
As far as everyone else's feedback, I've really enjoyed hearing what a lot of you guys have had to say. I'm sorry I've been a bit absent due to school, but just know I've read everyone's responses and I couldn't thank you guys enough. I think I've heard as much that can be said at this point, so I'm going to call it and consider this case closed. You've all been amazing though but before I ended it, I just needed to make sure to put this response to rest since it was irrelevant to my personal situation.
 

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Just to clarify, I haven't wished for more or been hurt as you say.
I have been round the block long enough to know how straight guys think and just passing on the warnings.
In fact, I can say I had one quite bad result, but that was smoothed over eventually and one positive result that still exists today many, many years later. The straight friend with benefits. The postive results for most are few and far between and my positive result I would count as a very rare anomaly to most outcomes.
Just warning you of the psychology of a straight guy who dabbles.
 

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Hey Dave, appreciate the feedback. I'm sorry to hear your past experiences haven't worked out, but I must admit our situations are completely different when it comes to fantasies. When it comes to my post, everything it says it flat out to the point. One night, and one approach. The fantasy of ever living a "happily ever after" with Adam is non-existent. I understand where your assumption is coming from due to your experiences, but it's not like that. It's fair to say that it sounds like this topic hits home for you and you've had some experiences where you wished for more, and got hurt as a result. I'm sorry to hear that. If it were the case for me though, I hope you'd know that I would never have an issue telling a bunch of strangers on the internet about it. I don't mean for that to sound like Adam's not a suitable match for someone, he's one of the most awesome people I've ever met and one day he's going to make someone really happy, but there's no spark I have towards him in regards to romantic compatibility at all. He's just my best bud, and there's no craving I have for our relationship to go any further than that, nor would I want it to.
As far as everyone else's feedback, I've really enjoyed hearing what a lot of you guys have had to say. I'm sorry I've been a bit absent due to school, but just know I've read everyone's responses and I couldn't thank you guys enough. I think I've heard as much that can be said at this point, so I'm going to call it and consider this case closed. You've all been amazing though but before I ended it, I just needed to make sure to put this response to rest since it was irrelevant to my personal situation.
So what happened? No one made a move and nothing changed?
 

C4junG0n3_BAD

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Just to clarify, I haven't wished for more or been hurt as you say.
I have been round the block long enough to know how straight guys think and just passing on the warnings.
In fact, I can say I had one quite bad result, but that was smoothed over eventually and one positive result that still exists today many, many years later. The straight friend with benefits. The postive results for most are few and far between and my positive result I would count as a very rare anomaly to most outcomes.
Just warning you of the psychology of a straight guy who dabbles.
I don't think this post is about actually getting advise. I think it is more about getting approval. I'm pretty sure from what I've read here the mind was made up prior to the post. The guy posting was just looking for validation.

I have no idea how old DAVE08114 is. I am 58. YIKES! I am thinking from what he has said, he is at least mature maybe not in years but in mindset. I'm like you Dave. I had a 14 year long "thing" with a straight guy. Here's the kicker. I thought I was doing him a favor and he thought the same thing. Those inaccurate assumptions were based on completely different criteria. Both he and I were doing it because of our close friendship.

It was a weird situation. He was basing his participation on gay stereotypes and his desire to keep me from making mistakes with other men, yes, gay men. As a result of our arrangement, I was never in a serious relationship with anyone...except him...if you can count that. A relationship which was a hybrid of some sort. I still cannot explain what it really was. None of my other friends knew about it. I couldn't possibly explain it to my gay friends. The straight one wouldn't have understood at all!

I participated in this for so long because I wanted to be close physically speaking to someone that I actually cared about. I honestly believe in the back of my head, I wanted to be IN LOVE with him. I'd gotten burned and very badly, when it came to that. So once bitten twice shy. Sex for me was just sex, the physical part, no emotion at all.

Ok, here is the weird thing. When gay marriage was legalized, he actually called me and said we should get hitched...his words. He had been through 3 failed marriages. He had shitty relationships with his kids. He said I was the only REAL relationship he had ever had. I really considered it for a while. I realized I really wasn't in love with him. O, I loved the guy. I love everything about him, faults and all. I mean who doesn't have faults. I know I sure do.

OK, then there is the physical thing. He is 4 years older than I am. He had a life of hard living, just like me. We have completely different metabolisms or something. He won the gene lottery. I have struggled with my weight since I was 40. Up and down for years. I am super self conscious about it because I was big around as a broom straw most of my life. He still looks like he did at 30, just the older version. I mean he has wrinkles. He has maybe a skooch of extra fat here and there. But the man is still built like a KW longnose. He has great teeth because most of them are fake. He had most knocked out in parking lot brawls. He still has pretty much all his hair and yes some of it is grey. I really stopped the whole thing because I was embarrassed. It felt like a pity fuck type situation. To clarify, we never had intercourse at all.

Full disclosure, when I was this kid's age, I wouldn't have listened to a bunch of old farts saying anything reasonable or sensible either. I have posted I've done this sort of thing. I'm not proud of it. I paid the piper. Moved on and did it again until I didn't. The other thing is Gen Z-ers don't seem to have a clear understanding of the word friend. I don't think many of them actually have a friend,. They have Instagram or FB friends and they think that is real.

I work with nothing but Gen Z-ers all day. I do game character design and use live models. I hate the generation software and refuse to use the handful of online photo resource sites. So I hire my own guys. I have one coming over within the hour. I've observed this with them in how they act and what they say. Their friends basically fall into a few categories. Those they can use, like this guy on this post. People that reinforce their value system and make them feel good about themselves. And people they Have to tolerate to navigate life and get what they want. I see no actual affection for anyone in most of these dudes.
 

Jarren.Anthony

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I don't think this post is about actually getting advise. I think it is more about getting approval. I'm pretty sure from what I've read here the mind was made up prior to the post. The guy posting was just looking for validation.

I have no idea how old DAVE08114 is. I am 58. YIKES! I am thinking from what he has said, he is at least mature maybe not in years but in mindset. I'm like you Dave. I had a 14 year long "thing" with a straight guy. Here's the kicker. I thought I was doing him a favor and he thought the same thing. Those inaccurate assumptions were based on completely different criteria. Both he and I were doing it because of our close friendship.

It was a weird situation. He was basing his participation on gay stereotypes and his desire to keep me from making mistakes with other men, yes, gay men. As a result of our arrangement, I was never in a serious relationship with anyone...except him...if you can count that. A relationship which was a hybrid of some sort. I still cannot explain what it really was. None of my other friends knew about it. I couldn't possibly explain it to my gay friends. The straight one wouldn't have understood at all!

I participated in this for so long because I wanted to be close physically speaking to someone that I actually cared about. I honestly believe in the back of my head, I wanted to be IN LOVE with him. I'd gotten burned and very badly, when it came to that. So once bitten twice shy. Sex for me was just sex, the physical part, no emotion at all.

Ok, here is the weird thing. When gay marriage was legalized, he actually called me and said we should get hitched...his words. He had been through 3 failed marriages. He had shitty relationships with his kids. He said I was the only REAL relationship he had ever had. I really considered it for a while. I realized I really wasn't in love with him. O, I loved the guy. I love everything about him, faults and all. I mean who doesn't have faults. I know I sure do.

OK, then there is the physical thing. He is 4 years older than I am. He had a life of hard living, just like me. We have completely different metabolisms or something. He won the gene lottery. I have struggled with my weight since I was 40. Up and down for years. I am super self conscious about it because I was big around as a broom straw most of my life. He still looks like he did at 30, just the older version. I mean he has wrinkles. He has maybe a skooch of extra fat here and there. But the man is still built like a KW longnose. He has great teeth because most of them are fake. He had most knocked out in parking lot brawls. He still has pretty much all his hair and yes some of it is grey. I really stopped the whole thing because I was embarrassed. It felt like a pity fuck type situation. To clarify, we never had intercourse at all.

Full disclosure, when I was this kid's age, I wouldn't have listened to a bunch of old farts saying anything reasonable or sensible either. I have posted I've done this sort of thing. I'm not proud of it. I paid the piper. Moved on and did it again until I didn't. The other thing is Gen Z-ers don't seem to have a clear understanding of the word friend. I don't think many of them actually have a friend,. They have Instagram or FB friends and they think that is real.

I work with nothing but Gen Z-ers all day. I do game character design and use live models. I hate the generation software and refuse to use the handful of online photo resource sites. So I hire my own guys. I have one coming over within the hour. I've observed this with them in how they act and what they say. Their friends basically fall into a few categories. Those they can use, like this guy on this post. People that reinforce their value system and make them feel good about themselves. And people they Have to tolerate to navigate life and get what they want. I see no actual affection for anyone in most of these dudes.
Dang man, some of you older gentleman are feisty. Isn't asking for validation in regards to an action asking for advice? The end conclusion I came to is to just do nothing. I noticed I was overthinking it all and giving myself anxiety for no reason, but that was hard to notice without hearing the input from some of the other guys here. In regards to assuming you know everything about the way I act due to my generation, you sound like my father. I think it might help for you to take a step back and realize your opinions aren't facts, especially when it comes to speaking for others. Again, I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all of that, but your experiences and past trauma from a similar situation have already been acknowledged and heard. At this point you're just using my post as your personal diary.
So yup, my case is close. Nothing's happenings. I know that'll disappoint some of you, but I feel confident about it. Thanks again guys!
 

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You can have that rare straight friend with benefits(they are very few and far between) and they can also be a good friend.
You CANNOT, however, have any romantic feelings for them. That is a path to nowhere fast.
It can only be physical sex and that begins and ends with the exchange. It doesn't spill over into other areas of the relationship/friendship.
Are they really straight? My own belief is they have a fixed identity in their head that is unshakable.
The believe they are straight, the feel they are straight and on a Kinsey scale, i would say they are way to the spectrum of the straight end of the scale.
They are the rare breed that look at sex with a guy as a physical exchange and release. That is it.
They would never or have the capability of loving another man. They will have sex with them, though.
If you can deal with that, lead your own separate and fulfilling life, then it can work if it suits.
Most times it can't, but there is the very odd exception.
 

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I've had some straight friends push things and what I've done in those situations where I didn't know what to do is say - you might want to stop as you're starting to turn me on and I don't want it to be weird with us.
Sometimes they keep going - their choice. Sometimes - they stop - with the ones that stop I just say, imagine if a cute girl was doing the same thing to you. Then we laugh it off.
Puts the ball in their court...
 

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I can't really tell you what to do with your friend, because every situation is different, but I did have something similar happen to me.

I'd known my friend for about 5 years, and we were pretty close. Long story short, his dad got a job out of state so he was going to be moving away. We had a sleep over at his house a couple months before he was going to leave, and we were alone watching a movie in the family room, when near the end of the movie he made advances toward me that I didn't stop. He put his hand on my crotch, undid my belt and opened my pants up, and then jacked me off. A lot of things were swirling through my mind at the time: I was confused, excited, and turned on, but also scared, because I thought we would get caught. Nevertheless, I didn't stop him. After the movie we went to his room to go to bed, and instead of sleeping in my sleeping bag on the floor like I usually did he told me to get in bed with him. He took off his boxers and convinced me to take mine off too. I knew something was going to happen, which scared me, but I was also curious about what might occur. Needless to say, we messed around for a quite while in his bed, and I ended up fucking him.

I didn't have any regrets right after it happened, and I don't have any now, because I found out that I actually like guys. After he moved away we stayed in touch for a while, but because of the distance between us our friendship waned. To be frank, I'm happy that we messed around, because I discovered that I like sex with guys, and it opened a new world to me.
 

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Okay so here's the sitch guys...

My best friend (let's call him Adam) has always been giving me confusing signals. We've known each other for 2 years so far and we get along great. Like, really great. Our personalities are completely the same. He's one of the best looking guys I've ever met, but he's straight. There's never been an issue or embarrassment for him that his best friends gay, and I've always loved that about him and his confidence. A jock and a gay guy being best friends can obviously be considered "incompatible" in societies perspective. The thing though is that starting 3 months ago, when we would hang out at his place or mine, and we would start drinking together, his personality almost does a 180. He always get very touchy, he's pulled my face in and kissed me a bunch of times randomly (because he thinks it's funny), he's wiped out his dick a couple times out of now where (soft), he always starts complimenting me on how good looking I am, and then when we finally good to bed, he loves to cuddle with me. (Like, he pulls me in hard) When we lay together though he never gets hard at all or even a chub, so it kind of seems to me he really just likes the comfort of it and connection.

I've never initiated anything myself though and have always just gone along for the ride because I never want him to feel uncomfortable since he identifies as straight. He also says when we're drunk that he'd never do anything like this with anyone else except me because he feels so comfortable around me. When we're sober though, we never talk a peep about it. Like, not one word. Kind of like it never happened in the first place, but then when we drink again together, it's back on.

I'm moving back to LA next month because my lease is up and I'm bored with Palm Springs, so that means I'm not going to be hanging out with him all the time anymore and probably wont be seeing him for a good while unless he comes to LA to hang out. I'm staying with him for my last two nights here in Palm Springs, and then I'm gone.

My main question or thought that I need input on, is if we start drinking, should I go for it and initiate something my last night here? I'm scared as hell to do so and have it go south, but then again I wont be hanging out with him anymore so I wouldn't have to worry about it being awkward afterwards if it does goes bad. But what if it goes good? I've always wanted to hook up with him, like...bad, but I didn't want to lose my best friend here if it didn't go well. I keep going back and forth and I don't have anyone to run it by except the people in our friend group, which I'd never do. But since I know you guys might be able to relate or have some good input to add, I figured I'd try and ask for help here

Thanks guys!
(Please be kind in the comments)
So I have found in the past the best thing is to be honest with him. I feel in love with my best friend who was straight but I was scared to say anything because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. He used to do similar things to me, also hugging me, rubbing his bulge against me and joking around. He found out through another friend that I had fallen in love with him and he flipped out. I was devastated. But he wasn’t angry that I was in love with him he was angry because I didn’t tell him. That in the end destroyed the friendship.

so my advice would be to talk to him about it. He is your best friend and he trusts you so be open and honest with him, he might just surprise you. With some luck it will make you even closer and might give him the opportunity to want more with you without feeling the need to be drunk to do those kinda things. I look forward to hearing how it goes and I hope it works out for you. Xx
 

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Sorry, but that's a terrible idea.
The lesson for you is tell one person your secret and you may as tell everyone. It got back to the guy. Lesson learned!
Anyways, i think OP basically called meh on the whole thing and didn't follow through-or so he says.
 
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Here is my perspective. About two years ago my best friend was temporarily living with me. We are really close like brothers. Many nights we would stay up talking and sharing details about our lives. He would also tell me in detail about his many sexual escapades with women over the years. I had never told him that I was bi but him being comfortable with me on that level peeked my interest and got me curious. So I came on to him once and I was terrified. He politely turned me down and told me that he already knew I was bi. There was no awkwardness between us after that and we are still close.

My advice is to sit down and have a discussion with your best friend. You won't know how he feels until you ask. He may already know or have his suspicions about how you feel and may have been testing the waters with you. Again, you won't know until you ask. You should let him know that you like him being that comfortable with you but his behavior confuses you.
 

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Also you won't want to live with the regret of not doing anything or finding out how your best friend feels. I also had a close friend in high school that I had a crush on. Our families had known each other for decades and we would hang together in school. He had the prettiest, most juicy looking lips I had ever seen and all I wanted to do was kiss him. But I never pursued it. After we graduated I would see him every so often around town and he even went into the military for a short while. I saw him once after he came home and the feelings were still there. A couple of years passed and I found out not only did he come out, but he had also gotten married to a man. And here is the kicker, he had died from a heart issue. That was close to ten years now and I still regret not pulling him into the boys bathroom in high school and kissing him.
 

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Okay so here's the sitch guys...

My best friend (let's call him Adam) has always been giving me confusing signals. We've known each other for 2 years so far and we get along great. Like, really great. Our personalities are completely the same. He's one of the best looking guys I've ever met, but he's straight. There's never been an issue or embarrassment for him that his best friends gay, and I've always loved that about him and his confidence. A jock and a gay guy being best friends can obviously be considered "incompatible" in societies perspective. The thing though is that starting 3 months ago, when we would hang out at his place or mine, and we would start drinking together, his personality almost does a 180. He always get very touchy, he's pulled my face in and kissed me a bunch of times randomly (because he thinks it's funny), he's wiped out his dick a couple times out of now where (soft), he always starts complimenting me on how good looking I am, and then when we finally good to bed, he loves to cuddle with me. (Like, he pulls me in hard) When we lay together though he never gets hard at all or even a chub, so it kind of seems to me he really just likes the comfort of it and connection.

I've never initiated anything myself though and have always just gone along for the ride because I never want him to feel uncomfortable since he identifies as straight. He also says when we're drunk that he'd never do anything like this with anyone else except me because he feels so comfortable around me. When we're sober though, we never talk a peep about it. Like, not one word. Kind of like it never happened in the first place, but then when we drink again together, it's back on.

I'm moving back to LA next month because my lease is up and I'm bored with Palm Springs, so that means I'm not going to be hanging out with him all the time anymore and probably wont be seeing him for a good while unless he comes to LA to hang out. I'm staying with him for my last two nights here in Palm Springs, and then I'm gone.

My main question or thought that I need input on, is if we start drinking, should I go for it and initiate something my last night here? I'm scared as hell to do so and have it go south, but then again I wont be hanging out with him anymore so I wouldn't have to worry about it being awkward afterwards if it does goes bad. But what if it goes good? I've always wanted to hook up with him, like...bad, but I didn't want to lose my best friend here if it didn't go well. I keep going back and forth and I don't have anyone to run it by except the people in our friend group, which I'd never do. But since I know you guys might be able to relate or have some good input to add, I figured I'd try and ask for help here

Thanks guys!
(Please be kind in the comments)
NO reply can be precise. Reactions may be bad or good. What's next? Make a straightforward question the next time the two of you get a chance to "fool around" like u ve done so far. Just be prepared for both good and bad reactions, If u decide to take the next step.
 
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irishitalian95

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@Jarren.Anthony I don’t want to persuade you either way, but what I will say is that after reading this thread you seem like such a genuine, good person, and your friend is lucky to have a buddy like you who cares about preserving the friendship. When the time comes you’ll know what to do and either it’ll work out or it won’t, but to me it sounds like no matter what you’re always gunna be close with this guy.

Don’t overthink it, and just do what feels natural - and worst case you clearly have a group of people here who are happy to let you vent