When Did You Come Out to Yourself?

[cutesbguy]

I think I always knew that I was different. I didn't really stop struggling with it until my mid-teens. I grew up in a strongly religious Mormon household, so dealing with that took a lot of emotional energy. The family was not very supportive at first, but they have come around a lot, and really, in the big picture, I was lucky. They never kicked me out, or pushed me too much on the issue. These days, I am completely content being who I am. All the coming out occured in the mid 90's for me though, so maybe it was easier for me?

 

[prince_will]

hmm..hard question.

I always knew i was a bit different, and then with being a teenager, the feelings for other guys started to develop, but also the same with girls.

I think i finally accepted myself as bi when i was 18, which was a pretty recent development. It was easier than trying to convince myself that i was straight or telling myself that i was exclusively gay. It was sort of a load off of my back because i truly know how to define myself instead of wallowing in confusion. I've never "come out" as a bisexual to anyone i know, and right now, i still don't have any plans to. Once i know who i am, i'm content.

 

[oberon902]

I was never 'in' to come out. When you have 2 older brothers and a neighborhood, albeit small-town, full of boys, you learn about sex very early. I knew what I liked and what sucking a dick got me. Since it was a very small and Italian-Catholic (I'm neither) town, it was a bit rough growing up. Left the Monday after my HS graduation on Friday and never went back -- cept to visit family.

 

[headbang8]

I was 34 or 35. That's how confused I was.

 

[DaveyR]

I was 23 and my 2nd LTR with a woman had just broken up. It was a time when I did a lot of soul searching and decided that to feel truly happy I had to be honest to myself as a starting point to moving forward.

 

[Northland]

I'ma askin'.:biggrin1:

It's not when you realized you were gay or bi, the question means when you accepted it within yourself and what caused you to finally be at peace with yourself?

Accepted? There are days when I still can't quite pull that one together-I'm closing in on 49 and have known my sexuality for some 30 years, I may never get to full 100% acceptance and peace within.

 

[FuzzyKen]

I think a great deal of this issue depends on your age, age of parents and family structure. I did all the things that teens normally do in sexual exploration. I also went on into heterosexual adventures to begin with because in my era it was simply what you did. The problem was that I never was able to make an emotional connection with a member of the opposite sex. I was never able to develop deep feelings of attachment for a female and as such I had to explore what else life had to offer.

I was living near Los Angeles at that time so I spent a great deal of time in West Hollywood looking for what was missing. I found that right off the bat men were better sex. I guess I was always a "top" by nature and with the improvement in quality of sex, came more interest. My turning points really did not happen until I was 29 years old and it was at that time I met and fell absolutely in love with a wonderful person on every level that was taken from me by HIV. For a period of about 5 years I had a hard time functioning on that level and dated consistently trying to accept the loss and deal with it. My next relationship was with a police officer and that lasted about two years. We never fell out of love with each other but both of us were in a state of career at the time that we simply both had to go different directions. About six months after that I met relationship number 3. That fellow worked for the studios and was a great person with the exception of acute alcoholism. In no case was there ever an ugly breakup and if I encountered either of these men at this time we would still be the best of friends. I ended up finally in the Palm Springs area of California and that became to me a big mistake.

I have been with my life-partner for 10 years now. I met him via the internet and we surprisingly did make the right connection.

When it came to raising kids I found myself in that situation too. I did not plan on being a parent but found that I just stepped up to the plate and went at it. I knew well that I would make some mistakes along the way, and the kid and I worked most of all on communication. He is now an aspiring bodybuilder and is headed for his first competition.

I only came out to people that I cared about and have always felt that my love-life is something personal. Those that have a need to know do, those that don't do not.

The main thing you need to remember is that your orientation or anyone elses is only a small part of who you are as a human being. All in all it is not that important in the scope of life unless you make it a big issue.

I am 55 now and I look back at the life I have had. All in all I have taken many paths that I never would have considered when I was very young.

The best advice I can give about coming out or telling people is to simply forget it completely. If they have a need to know or you have romantic designs on them fine, if their lives will not be enriched by your openness then why bother.

My other half and I have over the years grown to love our privacy. We are not ashamed in any manner of who we are, it is just that we have grown too old to care what anyone else thinks. If they do not like it, that is their problem not ours. We retired from California and are now on a horse ranch in the Southwest.

The way I now view this is that orientation issues are only a small part of what our lives are in total. I would rather focus on the big picture than micro-focus on one single part. Too much work.......

Coming out to myself was in fact a process of self-acceptance. I had to take the time to foster understanding in who I really was. I knew that I could not go on at age 29 leading a rediculous life of denial. There was not only potential for long term damage to me, there was potential for other people to get hurt if my feelings or actions were not interpreted correctly. It did not happen overnight, but in so many ways I was incredibly lucky in that life gave me the cream of the crop in people to share that time.

 

[rbkwp]

Agree with Northland on this one
I also am not 100% sure,and dont believe i ever will be
Changes constantly,altho i would say its pretty well established now i have accepted the Gay lifestyle as of the last 20 years and probably forever now.
Usual Teen Play M/F as a Kid
Mixed up and confused thru Mid Teens to age 29??
8 years full on Gay relationship
5 Years living with a Woman and Kids
Balance-Solo
So to me there is a lot of truth in that we all have a little bit of everything,and dont really know what our sexuality is for real
enz

 

[invisibleman]

I knew since I was 13 but I had come out after I graduated from college.

What prevented you from coming out earlier? Was there internal conflict or external fear?

I didn't have any sexual experiences with guys until I was a junior in college. I never had any urges for women. It didn't help that women really didn't like me in high school. I wasn't losing sleep over it then.

I didn't have access to any gay men in high school. I didn't know any gay men. I was in love with the straight guys but I didn't know any better then. I had a lot of unrequited crushes. I thought that I was the only one.

 

[2322]

Jason,
What makes you think you might not ever love another woman? You will love who you come to love regardless of their sex. Don't feel that you have to put up boundaries to your feelings for another sex, because at this point in your life you are leaning more towards a male partner.
Sexuality is very fluid for some people, you seem to be one of them. Embrace it as a gift and not as a barrier. You have the capacity to love many people, in many different ways.
I'm not as mature as you are, but I'm determined not to limit my options at this point in my life. Yes, sometimes I feel conflicted; but I am mostly at peace with myself internally. I'm not out to my family or even many friends, but that is because my sexual relationships are personal and private. I don't wish to place a label on myself or have anyone else do that.
If my parents were ever to ask me where I stand sexually, I would not lie, but until that time comes, I will continue to keep my life my own.
Jase, don't pressure yourself into feeling that you have to make a choice or decide on your sexuality at any time in your life. Just get on with LIFE and continue to take the little used paths, as they are usually the most interesting.

I guess it's because I'm so into men right now. Women aren't really on my radar at all, including those I found attractive in the past. I wonder if I've gone from mildly bi-curious as a youth to full blown gay as a mature adult? It's very confusing.

I guess I knew and accepted it while in the womb... I come from a family with a long gay populace on both sides. It was inevitable for me. No practice necessary.

I just kicked that door open and flew out, and never looked back. I have been lucky in that respect, although at this time in my life, I have no family left. But the gay thing was never an issue for me.

See, this is what I wished would have happened, one way or the other. I think it would have made me more accepting of myself far sooner.

Ugh, I'm still dealing with it, as I can, in stages. Its more of an effort than I will admit to, and that probably has something to do with my reoccuring Lone Wolf status.

P.S. My buddies had Farrah posters on their walls. I didn't want her cluttering up my room.

It IS an effort isn't it? I just wish I knew what I was trying to accept! Maybe I'm just in a deep gay phase right now and it will lessen? What I find interesting is that if Laurie, the first girl I fell in love with, was alive right now, I'd still want her just as I did before -- even sexually. I'm not sure what that means.

When I turned 13 I took down all my posters in one day. I never replaced them.

 

[2322]

I think I always knew that I was different. I didn't really stop struggling with it until my mid-teens. I grew up in a strongly religious Mormon household, so dealing with that took a lot of emotional energy. The family was not very supportive at first, but they have come around a lot, and really, in the big picture, I was lucky. They never kicked me out, or pushed me too much on the issue. These days, I am completely content being who I am. All the coming out occured in the mid 90's for me though, so maybe it was easier for me?

I think it would be easier in the 90s, yes. The 80s were still fairly closeted and the guys I hung out with weren't accepting of it at all. I don't think my parents would have any issues with it. They're both educated professionals and I know my mother has no problem with gay people. In fact, she thinks I'm actually homophobic because I once said, "Bag it," when waiting for a doorman to open the door and she thought I said, "faggot," and scolded me for it. Gay and Mormon is a scary proposition in my book, if Latter Days is anything to go by.

hmm..hard question.

I always knew i was a bit different, and then with being a teenager, the feelings for other guys started to develop, but also the same with girls.

I think i finally accepted myself as bi when i was 18, which was a pretty recent development. It was easier than trying to convince myself that i was straight or telling myself that i was exclusively gay. It was sort of a load off of my back because i truly know how to define myself instead of wallowing in confusion. I've never "come out" as a bisexual to anyone i know, and right now, i still don't have any plans to. Once i know who i am, i'm content.

I thought it was easier too. Now I'm not so sure. I'm really happy for you though. Maybe I'm just being goofy, but I've never felt quite so gay before (no, I don't yearn to worship Liza Minelli or anything like that).

I was never 'in' to come out. When you have 2 older brothers and a neighborhood, albeit small-town, full of boys, you learn about sex very early. I knew what I liked and what sucking a dick got me. Since it was a very small and Italian-Catholic (I'm neither) town, it was a bit rough growing up. Left the Monday after my HS graduation on Friday and never went back -- cept to visit family.

That's a familiar story. It's so sad it is still repeated. I hope you're happy now, where ever you've made your home.

I was 34 or 35. That's how confused I was.

Hehe, I'm 42!

 

[2322]

I was 23 and my 2nd LTR with a woman had just broken up. It was a time when I did a lot of soul searching and decided that to feel truly happy I had to be honest to myself as a starting point to moving forward.

And look what you've got! Paul and paradise! I consistently find that men who just, "get on with it," are happier in the long run. It's difficult for me not to agonize about every little thing. Every 'i' has to be dotted, every 't' crossed.

Accepted? There are days when I still can't quite pull that one together-I'm closing in on 49 and have known my sexuality for some 30 years, I may never get to full 100% acceptance and peace within.

I hear you Northland and wish you peace.

I think a great deal of this issue depends on your age, age of parents and family structure. I did all the things that teens normally do in sexual exploration. I also went on into heterosexual adventures to begin with because in my era it was simply what you did. The problem was that I never was able to make an emotional connection with a member of the opposite sex. I was never able to develop deep feelings of attachment for a female and as such I had to explore what else life had to offer.

I was living near Los Angeles at that time so I spent a great deal of time in West Hollywood looking for what was missing. I found that right off the bat men were better sex. I guess I was always a "top" by nature and with the improvement in quality of sex, came more interest. My turning points really did not happen until I was 29 years old and it was at that time I met and fell absolutely in love with a wonderful person on every level that was taken from me by HIV. For a period of about 5 years I had a hard time functioning on that level and dated consistently trying to accept the loss and deal with it. My next relationship was with a police officer and that lasted about two years. We never fell out of love with each other but both of us were in a state of career at the time that we simply both had to go different directions. About six months after that I met relationship number 3. That fellow worked for the studios and was a great person with the exception of acute alcoholism. In no case was there ever an ugly breakup and if I encountered either of these men at this time we would still be the best of friends. I ended up finally in the Palm Springs area of California and that became to me a big mistake.

I have been with my life-partner for 10 years now. I met him via the internet and we surprisingly did make the right connection.

When it came to raising kids I found myself in that situation too. I did not plan on being a parent but found that I just stepped up to the plate and went at it. I knew well that I would make some mistakes along the way, and the kid and I worked most of all on communication. He is now an aspiring bodybuilder and is headed for his first competition.

I only came out to people that I cared about and have always felt that my love-life is something personal. Those that have a need to know do, those that don't do not.

The main thing you need to remember is that your orientation or anyone elses is only a small part of who you are as a human being. All in all it is not that important in the scope of life unless you make it a big issue.

I am 55 now and I look back at the life I have had. All in all I have taken many paths that I never would have considered when I was very young.

The best advice I can give about coming out or telling people is to simply forget it completely. If they have a need to know or you have romantic designs on them fine, if their lives will not be enriched by your openness then why bother.

My other half and I have over the years grown to love our privacy. We are not ashamed in any manner of who we are, it is just that we have grown too old to care what anyone else thinks. If they do not like it, that is their problem not ours. We retired from California and are now on a horse ranch in the Southwest.

The way I now view this is that orientation issues are only a small part of what our lives are in total. I would rather focus on the big picture than micro-focus on one single part. Too much work.......

Coming out to myself was in fact a process of self-acceptance. I had to take the time to foster understanding in who I really was. I knew that I could not go on at age 29 leading a rediculous life of denial. There was not only potential for long term damage to me, there was potential for other people to get hurt if my feelings or actions were not interpreted correctly. It did not happen overnight, but in so many ways I was incredibly lucky in that life gave me the cream of the crop in people to share that time.

This full of great stuff. I agree about men being better sex, but then I've never had sex with a woman I've been really into so I don't know. Maybe I've just had a string of bad apples?

I've been living under, "don't ask, don't tell," kind of a thing. Nobody really asks me about my love life at all, even family. I think that's a bit odd, but meh.

You're right about the damage denial causes. I'm pondering that about now. I hope this is just a phase.

Thank you for taking time to write all that. I've read it all a few times and likely will at least a few more.

 

[kalipygian]

I was never not out to myself, or my family.

 

[2322]

Agree with Northland on this one
I also am not 100% sure,and dont believe i ever will be
Changes constantly,altho i would say its pretty well established now i have accepted the Gay lifestyle as of the last 20 years and probably forever now.
Usual Teen Play M/F as a Kid
Mixed up and confused thru Mid Teens to age 29??
8 years full on Gay relationship
5 Years living with a Woman and Kids
Balance-Solo
So to me there is a lot of truth in that we all have a little bit of everything,and dont really know what our sexuality is for real
enz

That's really refreshing to see something like that. It's so rare I hear of relationships like that. Most men say they experimented a little, knew which was right, and that's the way it is. Long-term relationships like you describe are either very rare or just completely underreported. That gives me a lot of hope.

I want to know that I can have long term relationships with whomever I want.

I didn't have any sexual experiences with guys until I was a junior in college. I never had any urges for women. It didn't help that women really didn't like me in high school. I wasn't losing sleep over it then.

I didn't have access to any gay men in high school. I didn't know any gay men. I was in love with the straight guys but I didn't know any better then. I had a lot of unrequited crushes. I thought that I was the only one.

Women didn't like me in high school either. This one girl really did but I wasn't remotely attracted to her at all. We were just fuckbuds. I know a great deal about unrequited love. Far too much.

 

[Axcess]

That's really refreshing to see something like that. It's so rare I hear of relationships like that. Most men say they experimented a little, knew which was right, and that's the way it is. Long-term relationships like you describe are either very rare or just completely underreported. That gives me a lot of hope.

I want to know that I can have long term relationships with whomever I want.



Women didn't like me in high school either. This one girl really did but I wasn't remotely attracted to her at all. We were just fuckbuds. I know a great deal about unrequited love. Far too much.

Women don't liked me in high school either . I really change in my late teens .